It's almost that time, again! We weren't sure if we were going to be able to do it, but tickets are bought and time off of work is arranged!
I'm so excited to have a weekend of Heather and I just hanging out and being our crazy sister selves. It seems like it has been a decade since we've done this, and in truth it has been roughly 5 years since it's happened. That is far too much time, though you have to make-do with what you've got and we just haven't had the resources to have weekends such as this as often as we'd like.
It makes this weekend that much more special.
One of my most fond memories is when we used to line up a bazillion movies and pick from a hat to see which one we'd watch first. We only ever got through one or two but my fondness grows from the fact that it was a decision we'd come to together.
They may have been silly movies, but we'd go through our large movie collection together and decide if we wanted to maybe watch it, definitely watch it, or definitely not watch it. Next, we'd take the movies we maybe wanted to watch and either put them in the watch or don't watch pile. Finally, we'd make little slips of paper and write down the number or name of the movie, put them in my dad's cowboy hat and pick the slips of paper, making a list of what order we would watch the movies. It seems like such a silly childhood memory, but it's so much more in depth.
Memories such as this bring so much warmth to my sometimes frozen (pun definitely intended) heart. It's hard to explain...our family has changed so much over the last years it sometimes seems as if that is all it will ever be, a memory, but those feeling were and are still very real. I still feel just as much love and even more as our lives have changed. I have learned to love in a different way, respect my sister in a different way, and I have learned to adapt to the situations Heather and I have had to overcome.
We haven't completely overcome them yet, but I have an inkling that we are at the end of what has been a very long, emotional, and beautiful odyssey. It's been full of sorrow, tears, and questions, but there have also been laughs along the way.
I'm just really excited to see her. Sometimes I lose who I was, who I am, and who I want to be, but when I'm with my sister, I just seem to know. I just am who I am and she loves me without judgement and I love her the same. It's different with different people, a lot of people I associate with now didn't know me before mom and dad passed. They have no clue who I was before all of this. I don't want to live in the past, I just want it to be a part of my future in a healthy, fulfilling way.
In two weeks she will be here for four days, and these two weeks just can't go by quick enough!
Friday, September 19, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Well, it's almost time to see Heather again, and I'm not even sure I've written since the last time I saw her...bad me. I need to step up my game! In only one short (but incredibly long feeling) week, Nick and I will be in Wisconsin, drinking beer, listening to country music, and enjoying an atmosphere full of fun and life. Sadly, it is also an atmosphere filled with the deep presence of dad's death.
I wish I could say it isn't going to be this way, but it is neither healthy nor productive to act like being in Wisconsin doesn't remind me of both the good times and the bad. I've never really felt the need to recognize these feelings before because I've always known that no matter what, Heather and I can and will make it through anything life throws our way, it's who we are- survivors.
There is no unique way to define the relationship I have with my sister. I could use the stereotypical "special" relationship reference, or how we're "best friends" but that doesn't even begin to describe the horrific events we have been through together, the truly sorrowful moments we have shared. Above the memories of those sorrowful events are memories of laughter, laughter we share in our times of grief and trouble, and that is a medicine from the heart.
http://elitedaily.com/women/big-sister-made-for-you/698206/
I wish I could say it isn't going to be this way, but it is neither healthy nor productive to act like being in Wisconsin doesn't remind me of both the good times and the bad. I've never really felt the need to recognize these feelings before because I've always known that no matter what, Heather and I can and will make it through anything life throws our way, it's who we are- survivors.
There is no unique way to define the relationship I have with my sister. I could use the stereotypical "special" relationship reference, or how we're "best friends" but that doesn't even begin to describe the horrific events we have been through together, the truly sorrowful moments we have shared. Above the memories of those sorrowful events are memories of laughter, laughter we share in our times of grief and trouble, and that is a medicine from the heart.
http://elitedaily.com/women/big-sister-made-for-you/698206/
Thursday, June 5, 2014
It has been far too long since I've made a post, been crazy busy at work, though that I'd no excuse!
But I have....I'm even going to start training for bar tending on Saturday, hopefully the money is at least a smidgen better.
The weather has been nice, went to the pool one day and grilled out with some people from work, it was yummy.
Next weekend we will be going to Chicago and I will be reunited with my sister! Soooooooooo excited! Haven't seen her since she ran her half marathon and I haven't seen Ryan since he graduated, time goes by so quickly these days.
Trying to teach myself not to be so negative again. Work seems to bring out the worst in me sometimes, the customer service industry will do that to you. Just gotta keep a positive attitude.
Unfortunately duty calls and I must get ready for work, at least I got a little something on here. I am ready to have a good day! :)
But I have....I'm even going to start training for bar tending on Saturday, hopefully the money is at least a smidgen better.
The weather has been nice, went to the pool one day and grilled out with some people from work, it was yummy.
Next weekend we will be going to Chicago and I will be reunited with my sister! Soooooooooo excited! Haven't seen her since she ran her half marathon and I haven't seen Ryan since he graduated, time goes by so quickly these days.
Trying to teach myself not to be so negative again. Work seems to bring out the worst in me sometimes, the customer service industry will do that to you. Just gotta keep a positive attitude.
Unfortunately duty calls and I must get ready for work, at least I got a little something on here. I am ready to have a good day! :)
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Random Thoughts
This last Sunday I ran 10 miles with no knee pain! My left knee has been giving me trouble the last couple months so I have been trying to take it easy training while still getting ready for my upcoming first ever half marathon. It felt good to make it 10 miles. I plan to get in a 2, 4, and 6 mile run this week on Wed/Fri/Sun. Then next week Sunday is the race!
Easter weekend was overall very nice. Last week my boyfriend brought home Easter lilies and Frozen which I may have already watched 3 times, but who's counting?
I love the soundtrack to Frozen. Maybe it also just feels like the story resonates - so nice to see a Disney movie where there are two heroines, and sisters who are friends. For sisters who are semi-close in age I think it really resonates. I remember how close my sister were when we were young, and then as we grew up the 2 year age difference started to feel more like a distance, but then as we made it through high school somehow that distance seemed to shrink again.
The movie also feels like such a great metaphor for grief/depression - the danger of shutting people out and trying to hide your fear/anxiety/sadness/loneliness, and how sometimes it causes you to lash out at the people around you. Particularly those who care about you the most. So often over the years I have tried to explain to people what it feels like to suffer from depression, and often people think they understand, but then when they are met with it face to face they actually don't understand as much as they'd like to believe. It's hard because even though I consider myself to be introspective and self-aware it doesn't always mean that I feel totally in control of the irritability or anxiety. Then when you do hurt someone you feel awful, and the person feels awful, and it just makes you want to go inside your shell even more. Sometimes it has even felt like my depression might seep into the people around me - like the only way to protect the people I love is to stay away.
It's interesting because I do understand how difficult it can be on either end of mental illness. I have gone through some really dark times, but I have also experienced the helplessness of watching a loved one struggle with depression/anxiety/bipolar. I know how difficult it can be to distinguish the illness from the person. Sometimes it becomes so much a part of a person that it's hard to separate them at all. It's also difficult to find a balance between accepting the illness, but not necessarily accepting that there is no way to manage or ease the pain. I'm not sure it's great to just give up and say well that's just how she is - she'll always be a 'Debbie Downer.'
After my mom died I had a couple of friends who insisted and pushed me to open up and talk about the pain (and got quite upset and angry) because they felt I wasn't sharing my burden. Then when I tried to explain or share what my feelings were they got frustrated about those feelings. I had a friend who I confided in, and I said I was really trying, and was starting to feel better. She essentially told me she thought I was letting the dark side take over. I remember feeling really hurt, and really angry. Rather than trying to understand my life situation and experience at the time I felt she was putting a lot of pressure on me when what I really needed was space and understanding and empathy. At that time in my life it was hard just getting up and out of bed every day.
People who haven't lost someone may not realize it, but generally grief lasts much longer than just the 3 days or 2 weeks a person takes off of work. When it's a major person in your life that dies - I really didn't start to feel more stable until about 3 years after she died. It took that long for our family to kind of rebuild and for me to get back on my feet. There really aren't magical words to say to someone who has suffered a great loss. Honestly the words I have been most thankful for are just for people to admit that they haven't got a clue what to say or do, but that they do care.
Feeling cared for and loved does make a difference when grief is making you feel isolated or alone.
Easter weekend was overall very nice. Last week my boyfriend brought home Easter lilies and Frozen which I may have already watched 3 times, but who's counting?
I love the soundtrack to Frozen. Maybe it also just feels like the story resonates - so nice to see a Disney movie where there are two heroines, and sisters who are friends. For sisters who are semi-close in age I think it really resonates. I remember how close my sister were when we were young, and then as we grew up the 2 year age difference started to feel more like a distance, but then as we made it through high school somehow that distance seemed to shrink again.
The movie also feels like such a great metaphor for grief/depression - the danger of shutting people out and trying to hide your fear/anxiety/sadness/loneliness, and how sometimes it causes you to lash out at the people around you. Particularly those who care about you the most. So often over the years I have tried to explain to people what it feels like to suffer from depression, and often people think they understand, but then when they are met with it face to face they actually don't understand as much as they'd like to believe. It's hard because even though I consider myself to be introspective and self-aware it doesn't always mean that I feel totally in control of the irritability or anxiety. Then when you do hurt someone you feel awful, and the person feels awful, and it just makes you want to go inside your shell even more. Sometimes it has even felt like my depression might seep into the people around me - like the only way to protect the people I love is to stay away.
It's interesting because I do understand how difficult it can be on either end of mental illness. I have gone through some really dark times, but I have also experienced the helplessness of watching a loved one struggle with depression/anxiety/bipolar. I know how difficult it can be to distinguish the illness from the person. Sometimes it becomes so much a part of a person that it's hard to separate them at all. It's also difficult to find a balance between accepting the illness, but not necessarily accepting that there is no way to manage or ease the pain. I'm not sure it's great to just give up and say well that's just how she is - she'll always be a 'Debbie Downer.'
After my mom died I had a couple of friends who insisted and pushed me to open up and talk about the pain (and got quite upset and angry) because they felt I wasn't sharing my burden. Then when I tried to explain or share what my feelings were they got frustrated about those feelings. I had a friend who I confided in, and I said I was really trying, and was starting to feel better. She essentially told me she thought I was letting the dark side take over. I remember feeling really hurt, and really angry. Rather than trying to understand my life situation and experience at the time I felt she was putting a lot of pressure on me when what I really needed was space and understanding and empathy. At that time in my life it was hard just getting up and out of bed every day.
People who haven't lost someone may not realize it, but generally grief lasts much longer than just the 3 days or 2 weeks a person takes off of work. When it's a major person in your life that dies - I really didn't start to feel more stable until about 3 years after she died. It took that long for our family to kind of rebuild and for me to get back on my feet. There really aren't magical words to say to someone who has suffered a great loss. Honestly the words I have been most thankful for are just for people to admit that they haven't got a clue what to say or do, but that they do care.
Feeling cared for and loved does make a difference when grief is making you feel isolated or alone.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Another new day!
Yesterday was Easter and today is mother's birthday.
Happy birthday, mom!
Easter was nice, we had dinner with Nick's family and then came home to hang out, watch some t.v. and have a lazy Sunday. We got an Easter basket and now, of course, have way too much candy for our own good, but it is delicious and I will eat it if I must. ;)
I'm feeling pretty good today, probably because I don't know what my schedule at work is for the rest of the week. I'll find out when I go in today. Regardless, it's been really sunny and warm here lately, and that just changes my entire mood. Who doesn't love when it's 70 and sunny?! Dare I say it is finally spring? :)
I've been a busy little bee lately, which is nice considering I've been busy in a positive way and not a negative one. I can't say I'm not feeling a little nostalgic today, but that's always to be expected. It doesn't matter how long she's been gone, it's still her birthday.
Today will start and end just like every other day, and I am in control of what today will become! (With some exceptions, of course)
Now I must get ready for work!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Curiouser and Curiouser
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
-The Walrus and the Carpenter (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There) by Lewis Carroll
I was so very excited to finish a first draft of my poetry collection, but now of course the last few weeks I have found it very difficult to sit back down and edit it.
Why is it so easy to get distracted from writing, even if I know I want to write?
There are several poems in my collection that I have already edited numerous times, and yet I can read through one and still put a comma back in where I have taken it out several times before. The poems that were still very rough I now read through and as I edit I am essentially rewriting them.
It's also daunting to dive into writing about things that are still difficult to fully face - grief and loss and depression and all that.
On the bright side it is still a different kind of torment then denying a dream. It's a more rewarding torture than working at a job just for a paycheck.
I do enjoy my 'day' job so much more now because I have more control over what I do. I like who I work for and that makes a difference. So I'm willing to work harder and work even when I don't feel like it. It's always good to remind ourselves that we do have choices in how we live our lives. When we make sacrifices we have to remember why we are making them.
I am missing my little sister a lot too. So that is hard sometimes.
Life goes on though! I am excited that spring is here and it has been so nice out.
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
-The Walrus and the Carpenter (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There) by Lewis Carroll
I was so very excited to finish a first draft of my poetry collection, but now of course the last few weeks I have found it very difficult to sit back down and edit it.
Why is it so easy to get distracted from writing, even if I know I want to write?
There are several poems in my collection that I have already edited numerous times, and yet I can read through one and still put a comma back in where I have taken it out several times before. The poems that were still very rough I now read through and as I edit I am essentially rewriting them.
It's also daunting to dive into writing about things that are still difficult to fully face - grief and loss and depression and all that.
On the bright side it is still a different kind of torment then denying a dream. It's a more rewarding torture than working at a job just for a paycheck.
I do enjoy my 'day' job so much more now because I have more control over what I do. I like who I work for and that makes a difference. So I'm willing to work harder and work even when I don't feel like it. It's always good to remind ourselves that we do have choices in how we live our lives. When we make sacrifices we have to remember why we are making them.
I am missing my little sister a lot too. So that is hard sometimes.
Life goes on though! I am excited that spring is here and it has been so nice out.
Monday, April 7, 2014
April showers bring May flowers!
Not too much time to post today but here are some thoughts:
1. Got to take a bath yesterday and chat for awhile, it always feels good to touch base. Taking a bath always relieves stress for me, must be something about the warm water (or the Lush luxuries)
2. It's been raining cats and dogs lately, not literally (although that would be super sweet)
3. I work a ton this week, so hopefully that means a lot of money (but it doesn't necessarily)
The rain feels good, it symbolizes the coming of spring and renewal, and I that is exactly what I need!
I will let those little raindrops wash away my worries, fears, and pains!
Off to work I go!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Winter Skin
It feels like I have been shedding my winter skin. I have been worried that it might stay with me, but I can feel myself letting go a bit. I feel a bit lighter, and a bit brighter.
On Sunday, it was around 60 degrees outside, and the sun came out. A friend and I ran together to get in our long slow distance miles. We ran a little over 9 miles! It felt really good to get in that distance because the half marathon is only five weeks away. My troublesome knee only acted up towards the end, but I was still able to finish the run.
All winter being on treadmills it felt like my legs were lead. I tried to push myself, but I always felt so off kilter on them. One of the best mental pep talks I give myself while running is to think "This isn't so bad. This is just running. You can run. You've been through hell, and you couldn't do anything about it, but you can do this. Just run." Unfortunately for anyone who loves to run outside a treadmill actually does feel like hell. So then I'd pretend that the treadmill was my prison, and I'd tell myself that I couldn't stop running because otherwise I might be shot.
Training through the winter did make a difference though, and now that I am back to training outside I can feel the benefits. Yesterday I ran outside for my speed workout. I did timed miles, and the times were 10:09, 8:33, and 8:47. For me that is really good!
I like to consider myself a self-motivated person, but maybe it's just because I'm good at playing mental games and tricking myself into being productive. It's a different kind of challenge than just surviving something or getting through something. When someone dies you don't have much control over them dying, but you still have to control your own actions. Honestly I think most people do this quite well. In truth many around us are grieving in one way or another, and isn't it miraculous that they are doing so and still going about their lives?
I suppose you just put one foot in front of the other and somehow end up on the other side. I've been trying to get myself in that mindset in day to day life. If I know what I want, and if I know the steps to take, then I just have to put one foot in front of the other.
Grief. Depression. Anxiety. I have tried to explain these things to other people, and it can be difficult to do so when a person hasn't had much experience with those states of mind. They aren't tangible so even though a person may feel surrounded by a dark cloud no one else can see it. They might feel like someone is holding their heart in a vice. Their heart may be racing for no reason at all.
So when someone says that they are suffering from these things it's important to remember that for that person even though they might still look like the same person on the outside, on the inside they are struggling. Be kind. It might just be that getting out of bed that day was a major accomplishment.
On Sunday, it was around 60 degrees outside, and the sun came out. A friend and I ran together to get in our long slow distance miles. We ran a little over 9 miles! It felt really good to get in that distance because the half marathon is only five weeks away. My troublesome knee only acted up towards the end, but I was still able to finish the run.
All winter being on treadmills it felt like my legs were lead. I tried to push myself, but I always felt so off kilter on them. One of the best mental pep talks I give myself while running is to think "This isn't so bad. This is just running. You can run. You've been through hell, and you couldn't do anything about it, but you can do this. Just run." Unfortunately for anyone who loves to run outside a treadmill actually does feel like hell. So then I'd pretend that the treadmill was my prison, and I'd tell myself that I couldn't stop running because otherwise I might be shot.
Training through the winter did make a difference though, and now that I am back to training outside I can feel the benefits. Yesterday I ran outside for my speed workout. I did timed miles, and the times were 10:09, 8:33, and 8:47. For me that is really good!
I like to consider myself a self-motivated person, but maybe it's just because I'm good at playing mental games and tricking myself into being productive. It's a different kind of challenge than just surviving something or getting through something. When someone dies you don't have much control over them dying, but you still have to control your own actions. Honestly I think most people do this quite well. In truth many around us are grieving in one way or another, and isn't it miraculous that they are doing so and still going about their lives?
I suppose you just put one foot in front of the other and somehow end up on the other side. I've been trying to get myself in that mindset in day to day life. If I know what I want, and if I know the steps to take, then I just have to put one foot in front of the other.
Grief. Depression. Anxiety. I have tried to explain these things to other people, and it can be difficult to do so when a person hasn't had much experience with those states of mind. They aren't tangible so even though a person may feel surrounded by a dark cloud no one else can see it. They might feel like someone is holding their heart in a vice. Their heart may be racing for no reason at all.
So when someone says that they are suffering from these things it's important to remember that for that person even though they might still look like the same person on the outside, on the inside they are struggling. Be kind. It might just be that getting out of bed that day was a major accomplishment.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Spring is here!
Minneapolis was a much needed trip. I have felt really good since Nick and I got back and I think it felt really good to see Heather again. It is tough being so far away all the time and not being able to just call and say 'hey, I'm coming over!' I mean.... I could, but it may seem a little weird seeing as 12 hours isn't just a hop, skip, and jump away.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life.
That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant
Sometimes all it takes is a little bravery to get through the everyday struggles, and it is necessary to grow as a person.
I think Heather and I have taken advantage of our opportunities to grow and that is another reason why I am proud of us!
I miss the little things about my sister. I miss being able to raid her closet when I couldn't find something to fit me just right, being able to get her insight on the little problems of life, and I miss being silly with her. We are slowly learning a new way of life, a life without parents, but it is a process and I'm afraid we are at the tip of the iceberg.
Then again, icebergs are beautiful structures when you think about it. So are we.
I have made a plan for the rest of the year. It might not be a fully detailed list but I have a plan. I have a plan. I have not been able to say that for sooooo long.
I am so proud of Heather and I, for so many reasons. Heather finished college and was a good student from the first step she took in to the last step she took out, has always had a good sense of who she was (even if she hasn't always felt that way), and has an amazing passion for life.
It has not been easy and it will not be easy but we are survivors. We will start new traditions, take adventures together, and continue to grow and change.
I have another post in the works, but here is a little preview -
"There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.
But sometimes it doesn't.Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life.
That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant
Sometimes all it takes is a little bravery to get through the everyday struggles, and it is necessary to grow as a person.
I think Heather and I have taken advantage of our opportunities to grow and that is another reason why I am proud of us!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Springing Along
This winter was a long one here in Minnesota. I am hoping now that we are through the worst of it. After so many days of temperatures below zero even 30 degrees feels like a nice day. Everyone seems to be in better spirits. People at work, people at the bus stop, and cashiers everywhere are all a bit chattier. And they smile.
It was a hurdle to get through February, but I had Holly's visit to keep me looking forward. After her visit I was feeling a bit down and lost again throughout March. It has felt like winter has had a hard time letting go. I have also been having a hard time fully letting go.
Even knowing that it's important to move forward it is still just plain hard. I know my parents are dead. I know things are going to have to be different now. It just doesn't make it any easier to get your mind/body/soul on board with really forging a new life. I suppose that's human fickleness for you. For so long I longed to be free, and wanted to move away, and start my own life. Then I did, and now a big part of me longs for life before all this 'freedom.'
It was really good to spend a week with my sister and her boyfriend. We got to do a lot of fun things, and it felt especially good because we have now had two visits together that weren't due to someone being in the hospital or dying, and while we are both still grieving we are also doing o.k.
It's wonderful to have a sister. It's hard trying to figure out my place in the world, and our place in the world now that we are so far apart. It does make me sad sometimes because I wish we could spend more than just a few visits together here and there. It's only a physical distance though. I still feel closer than ever to my sister. Deep down we both know that moving forward we do have control over how we shape our future family life.
Losing both parents can make it very difficult when it comes to traditions or rather the loss of all of our traditions. After talking with Holly about how that feels kind of sad we both agree that we are going to try to make the best of it. We will make new traditions. Maybe we aren't living near each other, but then that will give us an excuse to travel. We can make it an adventure!
Life is moving along. I've been training for my first half marathon, and that is going pretty well. It will be even better now that I can run outside. I'm officially done with the dreaded treadmill. I ran a 5k recently. Exercise is definitely one of the best remedies for keeping my moods in check.
There's something very free feeling about running. On the last especially nice day I ran outside to Minnehaha Creek and around Lake Harriet, and it was so beautiful outside. Running makes me feel so very alive, and the 'runner's high' is such a wonderful feeling. When I hit my stride after a few miles, and then get into that perfect rhythm it feels like I'm flying.
When I joined the gym last year after dad died sometimes it felt like I was exercising and running away from the pain or toward the pain. Like I wanted to match the pain of grief with physical pain. Now it feels like running is helping me run towards a new future. Training is making me feel strong so rather than thinking about pain I am thinking about strength. Maybe I really am as strong as everyone has wanted me to be. Maybe I am able to get through all this grief and hardship and come out a person who can help others.
I feel hopeful, and I hope it lasts!
It was a hurdle to get through February, but I had Holly's visit to keep me looking forward. After her visit I was feeling a bit down and lost again throughout March. It has felt like winter has had a hard time letting go. I have also been having a hard time fully letting go.
Even knowing that it's important to move forward it is still just plain hard. I know my parents are dead. I know things are going to have to be different now. It just doesn't make it any easier to get your mind/body/soul on board with really forging a new life. I suppose that's human fickleness for you. For so long I longed to be free, and wanted to move away, and start my own life. Then I did, and now a big part of me longs for life before all this 'freedom.'
It was really good to spend a week with my sister and her boyfriend. We got to do a lot of fun things, and it felt especially good because we have now had two visits together that weren't due to someone being in the hospital or dying, and while we are both still grieving we are also doing o.k.
It's wonderful to have a sister. It's hard trying to figure out my place in the world, and our place in the world now that we are so far apart. It does make me sad sometimes because I wish we could spend more than just a few visits together here and there. It's only a physical distance though. I still feel closer than ever to my sister. Deep down we both know that moving forward we do have control over how we shape our future family life.
Losing both parents can make it very difficult when it comes to traditions or rather the loss of all of our traditions. After talking with Holly about how that feels kind of sad we both agree that we are going to try to make the best of it. We will make new traditions. Maybe we aren't living near each other, but then that will give us an excuse to travel. We can make it an adventure!
Life is moving along. I've been training for my first half marathon, and that is going pretty well. It will be even better now that I can run outside. I'm officially done with the dreaded treadmill. I ran a 5k recently. Exercise is definitely one of the best remedies for keeping my moods in check.
There's something very free feeling about running. On the last especially nice day I ran outside to Minnehaha Creek and around Lake Harriet, and it was so beautiful outside. Running makes me feel so very alive, and the 'runner's high' is such a wonderful feeling. When I hit my stride after a few miles, and then get into that perfect rhythm it feels like I'm flying.
When I joined the gym last year after dad died sometimes it felt like I was exercising and running away from the pain or toward the pain. Like I wanted to match the pain of grief with physical pain. Now it feels like running is helping me run towards a new future. Training is making me feel strong so rather than thinking about pain I am thinking about strength. Maybe I really am as strong as everyone has wanted me to be. Maybe I am able to get through all this grief and hardship and come out a person who can help others.
I feel hopeful, and I hope it lasts!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Soooooon!!
Finally over the flu, though I still have a little cough. That flu really kicked my ass. I also gave it to Nick, which I'm sure he appreciated immensely, (note the sarcasm). Anyway, I'm feeling better and I am very grateful to have had it before we are going up to Minneapolis as being in the car for extended periods of time while sick is no fun.
On that note...
ONLY 8 DAYS UNTIL WE VISIT HEATHER AND RYAN! YAAAAYYYYY!!!
I'm really very excited to see my sister. It's also Nick's birthday so that is an extra plus.
Heather and I haven't had enough time to just hang out the last few years. It started to feel like every time we planned to get together turned into a tragic event. There was the time she was supposed to come down to Winona and dad went into the hospital, then the other time when we were supposed to go to the dells and grandma was in the hospital and ended up passing. We still made it (and dad even came up to see us) so it wasn't all bad, glad to have those memories after his passing, yet it doesn't make it easier.
The last time I saw Heather in the flesh was when they visited for our birthdays, which was super duper fun, and now we'll have another long vacation with plenty of fun activities planned! Nick has never seen Minneapolis so that will be an entirely new experience of its own. I just can't wait!
We are even going to stay in a hotel for a night with a pool and hot tub, AHHHHHH!!!
Soon my sister, soon!
Now hopefully I will make lots of monies before we go. Still stressed about some stuff, some I can change, some that I can't, but I am so looking forward to this trip that I have officially put worries and stress on the back burner (cross my heart nothing happens between now and then). YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!
On that note...
ONLY 8 DAYS UNTIL WE VISIT HEATHER AND RYAN! YAAAAYYYYY!!!
I'm really very excited to see my sister. It's also Nick's birthday so that is an extra plus.
Heather and I haven't had enough time to just hang out the last few years. It started to feel like every time we planned to get together turned into a tragic event. There was the time she was supposed to come down to Winona and dad went into the hospital, then the other time when we were supposed to go to the dells and grandma was in the hospital and ended up passing. We still made it (and dad even came up to see us) so it wasn't all bad, glad to have those memories after his passing, yet it doesn't make it easier.
The last time I saw Heather in the flesh was when they visited for our birthdays, which was super duper fun, and now we'll have another long vacation with plenty of fun activities planned! Nick has never seen Minneapolis so that will be an entirely new experience of its own. I just can't wait!
We are even going to stay in a hotel for a night with a pool and hot tub, AHHHHHH!!!
Soon my sister, soon!
Now hopefully I will make lots of monies before we go. Still stressed about some stuff, some I can change, some that I can't, but I am so looking forward to this trip that I have officially put worries and stress on the back burner (cross my heart nothing happens between now and then). YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!
Friday, February 14, 2014
Love List
Random Things I Love
1. Lists
2. Libraries
3. Blankets
4. Chocolate
5. Music
6. Running
7. Dancing
8. Deep blue
9. Bodies of water
10. Books
11. Juicy glide-y pens
12. Horses
13. Unicorns
14. Magical anything
15. Sisters
16. Girls in red coats
17. Good coffee
18. Good beer
19. Going out to eat
20. Narwhals (unicorns of the sea)
1. Lists
2. Libraries
3. Blankets
4. Chocolate
5. Music
6. Running
7. Dancing
8. Deep blue
9. Bodies of water
10. Books
11. Juicy glide-y pens
12. Horses
13. Unicorns
14. Magical anything
15. Sisters
16. Girls in red coats
17. Good coffee
18. Good beer
19. Going out to eat
20. Narwhals (unicorns of the sea)
Love YOU on Valentines Day
I have been single on Valentines Day, and I have been in a relationship. I've gotten gifts and flowers, and I've given them. Regardless of whether you are single or committed there is a significant person that deserves to be loved. YOU!
Growing up I didn't really 'date' much. I went on dates, and I 'fell in love' or more accurately 'crushed' easily. I didn't usually have a boyfriend, but I still enjoyed Valentines Day. I liked getting my friends flowers, and my dad always brought home flowers or treats for all us girls in the house.
Sometimes I still 'hated' Valentines Day since it seemed like a day to point out that you are alone. I struggle with being alone and being lonely even though I actually very much enjoy my own company. I don't mind doing most things on my own. That being said, it can feel a bit weird when I spend great amounts of time in my own head. Worse though is how much I struggle sometimes feeling alone when I'm actually with other people. When I'm actually alone it feels natural. It's harder when you're with a significant other or with a group of friends and start to feel lonely or apart from everyone.
Anyways, the point of this isn't so much to muse about loneliness. What I'm really thinking about is how difficult it can be to make sure you're giving yourself enough love.
I consider myself to be fairly confident. I believe I love myself, and yet I am also very often my own worst critic, and there are times where I am quite cruel to myself, and hateful. I think that's the case for many people. It's especially hard sometimes when it comes to depression, anxiety, or even grief. Sometimes I feel very angry at myself for not feeling more energetic or happier or more content.
After my mom's suicide I couldn't help but think, why wasn't I enough? I know that my mom loved me. I know she was proud of me. I know she cared about me. But... Why? Why did she take her own life? Then I get angry at myself and think I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her, how special she was, and how much I needed her.
I am struggling with that sometimes with my dad's death now too. What if? What if I had figured out a way to help him more with keeping the house from being foreclosed on or if I had come home more after my mom died. What if he hadn't started drinking again? Would he still have tripped that night and fallen and hit his head? Could I have prevented it?
That's where I have to make myself stop because you can't go back and change the past. There's no way of knowing the end to 'what ifs' so it's better to think about 'what now.' It's a terrible circle of thinking to get stuck in because in the end it's just not fruitful.
I suppose that's why acceptance is such a difficult part of the grieving process. It's hard to accept things for how they happened, and it's hard to accept our own power or lack thereof in any circumstance.
Which brings me back to self love and how it's important to remember that ultimately our own self reliance is what gives us true power to love ourselves and love other people. If you give all that power away and only let your self worth be dictated by other people then you are doomed to doubt yourself and others. In truth we may never be able to fully or truly know every thought another person has, but when you can rely on yourself then you don't have to worry as much about it. You always have YOU.
YOU have the power to show yourself love, to stay in a relationship or leave a relationship, to buy yourself flowers, or chocolate, or go to the movies. YOU can read a favorite book or take a nap or order in your favorite food or cook your favorite meal.
It's lovely to be in love and to enjoy things with another person. It's lovely to spend time with friends. It's also lovely when you learn to develop a 'relationship' with yourself. Trust yourself, get to know yourself. What do you actually want/need/like/dislike? Be kind to yourself. Listen to yourself.
It's not selfish to treat yourself well. It sets you free to give love unconditionally because you don't 'need' another person. Of course it's easier said than done, but it's worth working on. It also makes it easier for the other person.
Many times, and this still happens, I'll find myself 'picking a fight' with my boyfriend only to realize I have no idea what I'm actually upset about. Often in the end it seems to have more to do with me not knowing what I actually want or need. How can we ask other people to give us something when we don't even know what that something might be? The more I learn to depend on myself, the more I'm also able to let other people know the best way to give me what I need.
Growing up I didn't really 'date' much. I went on dates, and I 'fell in love' or more accurately 'crushed' easily. I didn't usually have a boyfriend, but I still enjoyed Valentines Day. I liked getting my friends flowers, and my dad always brought home flowers or treats for all us girls in the house.
Sometimes I still 'hated' Valentines Day since it seemed like a day to point out that you are alone. I struggle with being alone and being lonely even though I actually very much enjoy my own company. I don't mind doing most things on my own. That being said, it can feel a bit weird when I spend great amounts of time in my own head. Worse though is how much I struggle sometimes feeling alone when I'm actually with other people. When I'm actually alone it feels natural. It's harder when you're with a significant other or with a group of friends and start to feel lonely or apart from everyone.
Anyways, the point of this isn't so much to muse about loneliness. What I'm really thinking about is how difficult it can be to make sure you're giving yourself enough love.
I consider myself to be fairly confident. I believe I love myself, and yet I am also very often my own worst critic, and there are times where I am quite cruel to myself, and hateful. I think that's the case for many people. It's especially hard sometimes when it comes to depression, anxiety, or even grief. Sometimes I feel very angry at myself for not feeling more energetic or happier or more content.
After my mom's suicide I couldn't help but think, why wasn't I enough? I know that my mom loved me. I know she was proud of me. I know she cared about me. But... Why? Why did she take her own life? Then I get angry at myself and think I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her, how special she was, and how much I needed her.
I am struggling with that sometimes with my dad's death now too. What if? What if I had figured out a way to help him more with keeping the house from being foreclosed on or if I had come home more after my mom died. What if he hadn't started drinking again? Would he still have tripped that night and fallen and hit his head? Could I have prevented it?
That's where I have to make myself stop because you can't go back and change the past. There's no way of knowing the end to 'what ifs' so it's better to think about 'what now.' It's a terrible circle of thinking to get stuck in because in the end it's just not fruitful.
I suppose that's why acceptance is such a difficult part of the grieving process. It's hard to accept things for how they happened, and it's hard to accept our own power or lack thereof in any circumstance.
Which brings me back to self love and how it's important to remember that ultimately our own self reliance is what gives us true power to love ourselves and love other people. If you give all that power away and only let your self worth be dictated by other people then you are doomed to doubt yourself and others. In truth we may never be able to fully or truly know every thought another person has, but when you can rely on yourself then you don't have to worry as much about it. You always have YOU.
YOU have the power to show yourself love, to stay in a relationship or leave a relationship, to buy yourself flowers, or chocolate, or go to the movies. YOU can read a favorite book or take a nap or order in your favorite food or cook your favorite meal.
It's lovely to be in love and to enjoy things with another person. It's lovely to spend time with friends. It's also lovely when you learn to develop a 'relationship' with yourself. Trust yourself, get to know yourself. What do you actually want/need/like/dislike? Be kind to yourself. Listen to yourself.
It's not selfish to treat yourself well. It sets you free to give love unconditionally because you don't 'need' another person. Of course it's easier said than done, but it's worth working on. It also makes it easier for the other person.
Many times, and this still happens, I'll find myself 'picking a fight' with my boyfriend only to realize I have no idea what I'm actually upset about. Often in the end it seems to have more to do with me not knowing what I actually want or need. How can we ask other people to give us something when we don't even know what that something might be? The more I learn to depend on myself, the more I'm also able to let other people know the best way to give me what I need.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Meh. Trudging Onward...
Two weeks ago was dad's one year 'deathiversary.' I felt o.k. leading up to it I guess. Then the week of I was pretty irritable. Now it's almost two weeks later, and I feel worse instead of better.
I'd rather admit that then pretend though I suppose. It gets tiring to pretend. It's not that people in my life aren't aware that my parents are dead. I have friends who care about me, and a wonderful boyfriend, and of course my little sister. People want me to be happy and healthy and move on.
All last year I kept thinking that if I just gave myself time then that would help in the long run. I do still think that it did. It's just I forgot that the one year mark actually doesn't make it feel magically better. Maybe that's why I've felt low this last week. Not constantly low, but just...
I'm so tired. I suppose my last post touched on that as I was discussing wanting to go to sleep for a hundred years.
I feel like my sister and I have not had a chance to breathe. Suicide, house foreclosure, grandma's death, dad's death. That's just been in the last 5 years...the actual 'big' events. My depression started long before that without 'reason.' I know there are factors that increase your risk, and maybe being around my mom's depression influenced me. I don't know.
Anyways in truth it has just been incredibly hard since the holidays. Maybe it would be different if it was a choice not to go home. I mean I missed holidays in college, not many, but some. It's just that there were also times where I got homesick and I could just drive home. I'd surprise my parents and they'd be so glad to see me. I could always tell my mom if things were really 'bad' for me mentally and know that she truly understood. After she was gone I still had my dad. I suppose it is still hard after a year or two. It wasn't until a year and a half after my mom died that my dad and I had a real cry together. We got drunk and ended up on Gloria's couch (she later become his fiancee). Up until then I was just trying to be strong I guess. So was he.
I did video chat with my sister over the weekend and that did help. I know I still have her. I know I still have people who care about me.
Still though, sometimes I just long so much for a hug from my mom. Now I miss hugs from my dad too. So it's just hard.
I read my mom's journals and it makes me sad to know how much pain she was in, but it also makes me want to be strong. Some people believe that someone who 'commits' suicide is weak. They think that person is selfish and just 'gave up.' I even felt like that sometimes after my mom died when I was angry at her for leaving me behind, but do we think that if someone dies from cancer or some other terminal disease? Mental illnesses are diseases that people battle.
On November 14th, 2004 she wrote, "(Dear diary) Saw Candice yesterday and she saw I was in a crisis state of depression. She offered hope and I'm trying to cling to the fact that this can be fixed. Even though I don't see how it can be fixed. I know my medications are not working at all. I feel like I'm enveloped in this shroud of despair and pain. It's like sometimes I can keep it at bay & other times it just chokes me. I feel like I'm drowning & my head comes above water just enough that I get some air but then I"m pulled back under and i have to fight and search to find a way to the surface. The only thing is I'm exhausted..."
The entry goes on, but mostly I just thought that was a good way of explaining what depression can feel like at times.
The point is that someone who takes their own life is not selfish. I believe when my mom ended her life she really was just that desperate to end the pain. I mean that entry was from 2004, and she made it another 5 years, and reading through her journals it wasn't as if she got some magic medicine or treatment that fixed her for those 5 years. She had to push forward every day.
Just a few weeks until I see my sister!!!!
I'd rather admit that then pretend though I suppose. It gets tiring to pretend. It's not that people in my life aren't aware that my parents are dead. I have friends who care about me, and a wonderful boyfriend, and of course my little sister. People want me to be happy and healthy and move on.
All last year I kept thinking that if I just gave myself time then that would help in the long run. I do still think that it did. It's just I forgot that the one year mark actually doesn't make it feel magically better. Maybe that's why I've felt low this last week. Not constantly low, but just...
I'm so tired. I suppose my last post touched on that as I was discussing wanting to go to sleep for a hundred years.
I feel like my sister and I have not had a chance to breathe. Suicide, house foreclosure, grandma's death, dad's death. That's just been in the last 5 years...the actual 'big' events. My depression started long before that without 'reason.' I know there are factors that increase your risk, and maybe being around my mom's depression influenced me. I don't know.
Anyways in truth it has just been incredibly hard since the holidays. Maybe it would be different if it was a choice not to go home. I mean I missed holidays in college, not many, but some. It's just that there were also times where I got homesick and I could just drive home. I'd surprise my parents and they'd be so glad to see me. I could always tell my mom if things were really 'bad' for me mentally and know that she truly understood. After she was gone I still had my dad. I suppose it is still hard after a year or two. It wasn't until a year and a half after my mom died that my dad and I had a real cry together. We got drunk and ended up on Gloria's couch (she later become his fiancee). Up until then I was just trying to be strong I guess. So was he.
I did video chat with my sister over the weekend and that did help. I know I still have her. I know I still have people who care about me.
Still though, sometimes I just long so much for a hug from my mom. Now I miss hugs from my dad too. So it's just hard.
I read my mom's journals and it makes me sad to know how much pain she was in, but it also makes me want to be strong. Some people believe that someone who 'commits' suicide is weak. They think that person is selfish and just 'gave up.' I even felt like that sometimes after my mom died when I was angry at her for leaving me behind, but do we think that if someone dies from cancer or some other terminal disease? Mental illnesses are diseases that people battle.
On November 14th, 2004 she wrote, "(Dear diary) Saw Candice yesterday and she saw I was in a crisis state of depression. She offered hope and I'm trying to cling to the fact that this can be fixed. Even though I don't see how it can be fixed. I know my medications are not working at all. I feel like I'm enveloped in this shroud of despair and pain. It's like sometimes I can keep it at bay & other times it just chokes me. I feel like I'm drowning & my head comes above water just enough that I get some air but then I"m pulled back under and i have to fight and search to find a way to the surface. The only thing is I'm exhausted..."
The entry goes on, but mostly I just thought that was a good way of explaining what depression can feel like at times.
The point is that someone who takes their own life is not selfish. I believe when my mom ended her life she really was just that desperate to end the pain. I mean that entry was from 2004, and she made it another 5 years, and reading through her journals it wasn't as if she got some magic medicine or treatment that fixed her for those 5 years. She had to push forward every day.
Just a few weeks until I see my sister!!!!
Sunday, February 9, 2014
sister time
Sometimes all you need is a chat with your sister, always helps to see her face at the same time (even if there is alien interference). Less than a month and I'll see her in the flesh, can't wait!!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Sickly!
Woke up today with a fever of 101.1, oh the joys of being sick. At least it has gone down now and I should at least be decent enough to work tomorrow, should be a short shift anyway (as long as my nose and throat can handle it). That's the tricky part about being in the restaurant business. You can't really call in, you should because you don't want to get people sick, but there also needs to be enough servers to handle the amount of guests that arrive on any particular day so what can you do? Guess I'll wash my hands verrrry often! At any rate, I hope I'm not too contagious and the time passes quickly, then I'll have at least another full day of recovery before I need to be back.
While I was sick today I missed my mom and dad. I missed the way they used to take care of me, the way my mom used to notice my cough before I did. Parents are people who really know you and notice you, the way only family can. There's something special about being babied when you aren't feeling well, as if it is one of the only times it is acceptable to be unacceptable. I don't care how my hair looks, if I'm wearing make-up, or if I sniffle only because I don't feel like getting up for a 100th time to blow my nose. It isn't the same without them, but that doesn't mean I don't still have my moments of being babied. I have my sister, I have Nick, and I have myself.
Nick got out of bed a little early this morning to make sure he could run to the store and get me medicine before he went to work, which helped immensely as I felt like I was on the verge of death when I got out of bed. I took the medicine immediately and fell asleep for a few hours (with Athena on my chest of course) and by the time I woke up I was able to breath again, yay me!
I spent the rest of the day babying myself. I got some old fashioned chicken and stars soup, and watched Pocahontas. When we were younger and my sister and I didn't feel good we would watch movies. We watched a lot of movies in general but would usually get bored pretty quickly. This is where my organization skills began (though they aren't nearly as developed as Heather's).
We used to go through all of the movies we owned and we would each pick out the ones we wanted to watch. Then we would usually pick out the ones each of us wanted to watch first, starting with ones we both really wanted to watch. Then we would take one of my dads cowboy hats, write down the names of all the movies on little slips of paper, and pick them out of the hat. Sometimes we had as many as nine or ten movies to watch, as if we could watch all of the movies in one day. We would eventually get bored halfway through the first or second movie and move onto another activity and I wouldn't be surprised if we spent more time picking out the movies than we did watching them.
Still makes me feel good watching what some may consider 'childish' movies... I believe that a lot of the lessons are just as significant in adult life as they were in childhood. It made me feel better anyway, perhaps Sunday I'll have a Harry Potter marathon or something, we'll see.
Anyway, not a long post today, but at least it's something. Gotta kick this bug before our trip to Tinysota! (Minnesota, hahahaha I crack myself up).
This also cracks me up. He truly is hilarious....yet philosophical. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, maybe I'll have to write more to let you know! For now it is off to drink some tea!
While I was sick today I missed my mom and dad. I missed the way they used to take care of me, the way my mom used to notice my cough before I did. Parents are people who really know you and notice you, the way only family can. There's something special about being babied when you aren't feeling well, as if it is one of the only times it is acceptable to be unacceptable. I don't care how my hair looks, if I'm wearing make-up, or if I sniffle only because I don't feel like getting up for a 100th time to blow my nose. It isn't the same without them, but that doesn't mean I don't still have my moments of being babied. I have my sister, I have Nick, and I have myself.
Nick got out of bed a little early this morning to make sure he could run to the store and get me medicine before he went to work, which helped immensely as I felt like I was on the verge of death when I got out of bed. I took the medicine immediately and fell asleep for a few hours (with Athena on my chest of course) and by the time I woke up I was able to breath again, yay me!
I spent the rest of the day babying myself. I got some old fashioned chicken and stars soup, and watched Pocahontas. When we were younger and my sister and I didn't feel good we would watch movies. We watched a lot of movies in general but would usually get bored pretty quickly. This is where my organization skills began (though they aren't nearly as developed as Heather's).
We used to go through all of the movies we owned and we would each pick out the ones we wanted to watch. Then we would usually pick out the ones each of us wanted to watch first, starting with ones we both really wanted to watch. Then we would take one of my dads cowboy hats, write down the names of all the movies on little slips of paper, and pick them out of the hat. Sometimes we had as many as nine or ten movies to watch, as if we could watch all of the movies in one day. We would eventually get bored halfway through the first or second movie and move onto another activity and I wouldn't be surprised if we spent more time picking out the movies than we did watching them.
Still makes me feel good watching what some may consider 'childish' movies... I believe that a lot of the lessons are just as significant in adult life as they were in childhood. It made me feel better anyway, perhaps Sunday I'll have a Harry Potter marathon or something, we'll see.
Anyway, not a long post today, but at least it's something. Gotta kick this bug before our trip to Tinysota! (Minnesota, hahahaha I crack myself up).
This also cracks me up. He truly is hilarious....yet philosophical. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, maybe I'll have to write more to let you know! For now it is off to drink some tea!
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Book Lover Reminiscing / Eternal Sleep
I have been feeling grumbly about the sub zero temperatures here in the Midwest.
I wish I had a cabin up north. Specifically equipped with a library, a fireplace, and a big picture window for watching snow fall. I am learning to appreciate winter these days. I just know I'd appreciate this season even more if I could migrate to that dream cabin for the duration of February. Maybe in another five years it will be possible since writing can be done remotely.
That's a lovely thought. Me, hot coffee, pen, paper, and a mountain of good books next to me.
I have enjoyed reading since I can remember. I can thank my mom for that because she took my sister and I to the local public library quite often.
Two books that stand out in my memory are The Girl Who Loved Wild Horses by Paul Goble and Wacky Wednesday by Dr. Seuss. I loved the first, and my sister the second. It never failed that either of us would run to see if those books were available to check out. They were our favorites before we even learned to read properly, and if you are familiar with them you know that the illustrations were reason enough to love them.
The first chapter book I read was Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, a Great Illustrated Classic. I remember it being the first book that I was able to read and actually put my own vision to the words.
One of my best friends in high school loved The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton which is why I ended up reading it. It was also how I fell in love with the poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" By Robert Frost (Poets.org).
One of my favorite English teachers in High School was Mr. Ridout. On the first day of one of the classes I had with him he wrote several questions on the board, and one was whether or not you could quote a couple of lines from a Robert Frost poem. I had memorized "Nothing Gold Can Stay" so I was one of the few who could answer any of them. I suppose I knew then that there was something wrong with me. I the kind of kid who actually enjoyed assigned reading and memorized poetry...for fun.
I have more thoughts on that for another post, but I digress...
During that year we read more Robert Frost, including this poem:
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost : Poetry Foundation
One of the many great things about Robert Frost is that his poems have a lovely cadence and paint a lovely picture. They also can have a deeper meaning for you, but it's no so deep that you get a headache trying to figure it out.
For me, the last lines of the poem in particular come to mind anytime I'm feeling the winter blues.
This year I am feeling the February blues a bit. I'm sleeping deeply which is nice, but the days are still feeling short even if they are getting longer. It's been one of the coldest winters in years. Then again, I can't remember much of February last year. I suppose it's because of the grief effect. The first month after a significant person dies it's like your body reacts with a 'safe mode' where everything is a little numb, and you're operating, but not fully there.
Anyways. When I think 'I have miles to go before I sleep' I think maybe that's how my mom felt. Battling depression for so long, and just wishing she could give in and go to sleep. Sometimes I feel that way too. It's miraculous really, that people are able to keep moving. Life can be so hard. Every living thing has to struggle just to survive. We think humanity is past that, but since we have secondary consciousness it's not necessarily enough just to have our basic needs met. We want more.
Of course that longing for 'eternal sleep' is also found in Shakespeare's Hamlet.
If you prefer music, then a good song to go with the theme is 'Asleep' by the Smiths from Louder Than Bombs.
It may seem like if you're feeling low that reading pieces with undertones about 'eternal sleep' might be counter intuitive. It's not that I equate 'eternal sleep' with 'suicide' exactly either. It's more about how living can be so tiring and draining. We don't always 'recharge' our batteries enough. I know when I don't then sometimes I think maybe sleeping beauty had the right idea. Just 100 year nap and then I'll be good to go again.
For now, I am just trying to keep my energy up by exercising regularly, eating healthy-ish, let myself sleep as much as I need, and indulge in plenty of reading.
I wish I had a cabin up north. Specifically equipped with a library, a fireplace, and a big picture window for watching snow fall. I am learning to appreciate winter these days. I just know I'd appreciate this season even more if I could migrate to that dream cabin for the duration of February. Maybe in another five years it will be possible since writing can be done remotely.
That's a lovely thought. Me, hot coffee, pen, paper, and a mountain of good books next to me.
I have enjoyed reading since I can remember. I can thank my mom for that because she took my sister and I to the local public library quite often.
Two books that stand out in my memory are The Girl Who Loved Wild Horses by Paul Goble and Wacky Wednesday by Dr. Seuss. I loved the first, and my sister the second. It never failed that either of us would run to see if those books were available to check out. They were our favorites before we even learned to read properly, and if you are familiar with them you know that the illustrations were reason enough to love them.
The first chapter book I read was Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, a Great Illustrated Classic. I remember it being the first book that I was able to read and actually put my own vision to the words.
One of my best friends in high school loved The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton which is why I ended up reading it. It was also how I fell in love with the poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" By Robert Frost (Poets.org).
One of my favorite English teachers in High School was Mr. Ridout. On the first day of one of the classes I had with him he wrote several questions on the board, and one was whether or not you could quote a couple of lines from a Robert Frost poem. I had memorized "Nothing Gold Can Stay" so I was one of the few who could answer any of them. I suppose I knew then that there was something wrong with me. I the kind of kid who actually enjoyed assigned reading and memorized poetry...for fun.
I have more thoughts on that for another post, but I digress...
During that year we read more Robert Frost, including this poem:
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost : Poetry Foundation
One of the many great things about Robert Frost is that his poems have a lovely cadence and paint a lovely picture. They also can have a deeper meaning for you, but it's no so deep that you get a headache trying to figure it out.
For me, the last lines of the poem in particular come to mind anytime I'm feeling the winter blues.
This year I am feeling the February blues a bit. I'm sleeping deeply which is nice, but the days are still feeling short even if they are getting longer. It's been one of the coldest winters in years. Then again, I can't remember much of February last year. I suppose it's because of the grief effect. The first month after a significant person dies it's like your body reacts with a 'safe mode' where everything is a little numb, and you're operating, but not fully there.
Anyways. When I think 'I have miles to go before I sleep' I think maybe that's how my mom felt. Battling depression for so long, and just wishing she could give in and go to sleep. Sometimes I feel that way too. It's miraculous really, that people are able to keep moving. Life can be so hard. Every living thing has to struggle just to survive. We think humanity is past that, but since we have secondary consciousness it's not necessarily enough just to have our basic needs met. We want more.
Of course that longing for 'eternal sleep' is also found in Shakespeare's Hamlet.
If you prefer music, then a good song to go with the theme is 'Asleep' by the Smiths from Louder Than Bombs.
It may seem like if you're feeling low that reading pieces with undertones about 'eternal sleep' might be counter intuitive. It's not that I equate 'eternal sleep' with 'suicide' exactly either. It's more about how living can be so tiring and draining. We don't always 'recharge' our batteries enough. I know when I don't then sometimes I think maybe sleeping beauty had the right idea. Just 100 year nap and then I'll be good to go again.
For now, I am just trying to keep my energy up by exercising regularly, eating healthy-ish, let myself sleep as much as I need, and indulge in plenty of reading.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Thoughts on growing up...
It is very cold here in Minneapolis today. Even the University of Minnesota is closed! It's hard to believe that the first month of the year is nearly over. I am getting more and more practiced at living in the present though. I haven't been feeling as 'freaked out' about my 5 or 10 year plan. I thought I'd be more nervous since I'm getting closer to 30, but I like being 27. I know what I want, and life seems open ended again...in a good way.
In a way it's funny because there's still somewhat of a stigma about women turning 30 or about getting older in general. I suppose because unmarried women past 30 at one time were seen as 'old maids.' Thankfully many of the 'rules' seem to have changed, and I hope they continue to do so. More importantly I hope women continue to see age and wisdom as empowerment. Ten years ago I was 17, and I enjoyed being 17, but today I feel like I am truly 'coming into my own.'
It's as if all the past versions of me are finally finding a way to merge and coexist.
It makes me think of the idea of 'country' mouse vs. 'city' mouse. I grew up in a small town, but moved to a city. For awhile it seemed like I was definitely more of a 'city' person. All through high school I had the stereotypical "gotta get outta this town" attitude.
Now I realize that I am part of both, or both are part of me.
Ultimately maybe it comes down to acceptance. I am who I am.
It's a seemingly simple concept that can actually be very complex in practice.
I used to be very hard on myself about every little mistake or conceived mistake. Now it is a bit easier for me to realize that all those stumbles led me to where I am today. Of course since I'm in a good place today it is easy to feel that way.
Why am I in a good place when life is still hard?
It will be a year this week since my dad died. It's not like I haven't been grieving or dealing with it. I guess overall I just know myself more and more each day. Knowledge and experience does make a difference. I've read a lot of great books that have helped me gain perspective, and there are some things you can only learn through experience. I'm just taking it a day at a time.
I'm accepting the bad with the good. I get to see my sister soon, and she just got a new job! I'm still loving my job, and writing regularly. I've been exercising regularly, and will be starting a more serious training schedule soon so that I can get fit for running a half marathon. I'm already registered, and it will be my first one! My boyfriend is in his last semester of school, and that is something we have been working on since we first started dating.
I hope to write more blog posts on how I am coping and managing and how it is possible to live with depression and grieve and handle difficult times and still have hope and find happiness.
In a way it's funny because there's still somewhat of a stigma about women turning 30 or about getting older in general. I suppose because unmarried women past 30 at one time were seen as 'old maids.' Thankfully many of the 'rules' seem to have changed, and I hope they continue to do so. More importantly I hope women continue to see age and wisdom as empowerment. Ten years ago I was 17, and I enjoyed being 17, but today I feel like I am truly 'coming into my own.'
It's as if all the past versions of me are finally finding a way to merge and coexist.
It makes me think of the idea of 'country' mouse vs. 'city' mouse. I grew up in a small town, but moved to a city. For awhile it seemed like I was definitely more of a 'city' person. All through high school I had the stereotypical "gotta get outta this town" attitude.
Now I realize that I am part of both, or both are part of me.
Ultimately maybe it comes down to acceptance. I am who I am.
It's a seemingly simple concept that can actually be very complex in practice.
I used to be very hard on myself about every little mistake or conceived mistake. Now it is a bit easier for me to realize that all those stumbles led me to where I am today. Of course since I'm in a good place today it is easy to feel that way.
Why am I in a good place when life is still hard?
It will be a year this week since my dad died. It's not like I haven't been grieving or dealing with it. I guess overall I just know myself more and more each day. Knowledge and experience does make a difference. I've read a lot of great books that have helped me gain perspective, and there are some things you can only learn through experience. I'm just taking it a day at a time.
I'm accepting the bad with the good. I get to see my sister soon, and she just got a new job! I'm still loving my job, and writing regularly. I've been exercising regularly, and will be starting a more serious training schedule soon so that I can get fit for running a half marathon. I'm already registered, and it will be my first one! My boyfriend is in his last semester of school, and that is something we have been working on since we first started dating.
I hope to write more blog posts on how I am coping and managing and how it is possible to live with depression and grieve and handle difficult times and still have hope and find happiness.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Best of 2013
I have been working for what feels like forever trying to find the words to express 2013, but ultimately all I can think of to do is make a list. I was grieving throughout the year, but I still feel like it was a good year overall. I spent time with my boyfriend, friends, and stayed in touch with my little sister. Best memories/events/favorites of 2013 in no particular order:
...ran the Run or Dye 5k in St. Paul
...biked around NE Minneapolis on the Traveling Tap
...celebrated the weddings of several dear friends
...visited my sister and her boyfriend in Kentucky
...vacationed with my boyfriend's family at Half Moon Trail resort
...spent time in Wisconsin with my dad's fiancee and his wonderful friends at the Honey Lake Inn
...spent lots of time at my favorite libraries
...joined LA Fitness and started going to Zumba classes
...ran around Minnehaha Creek and Lake Harriet
...saw my first St. Paul Saints game with a group of friends in the 'Taco Bell Box'
...celebrated my 27th 'Golden' Birthday
...fell in love with a boy band (1D)
...wrote 125 pages in my 2013 journal (and realized I've been keeping a journal for over 10 years)
...developed a more serious writing practice
...saw The Postal Service live
...discovered some truly wonderful Youtube bloggers like Zoella and SprinkleofGlitter
...'quit' my job / started working part time as an independent contractor
...discovered new favorite restaurants: George and the Dragon & Sea Salt Eatery
...read...A LOT...
There were many more good memories, but the point is that yes, my dad died. I felt sad and disconnected and lonely throughout the year, but I also felt loved and supported. I learned how to rely on myself, and going into 2014 I feel healthy both mentally and physically.
...ran the Run or Dye 5k in St. Paul
...biked around NE Minneapolis on the Traveling Tap
...celebrated the weddings of several dear friends
...visited my sister and her boyfriend in Kentucky
...vacationed with my boyfriend's family at Half Moon Trail resort
...spent time in Wisconsin with my dad's fiancee and his wonderful friends at the Honey Lake Inn
...spent lots of time at my favorite libraries
...joined LA Fitness and started going to Zumba classes
...ran around Minnehaha Creek and Lake Harriet
...saw my first St. Paul Saints game with a group of friends in the 'Taco Bell Box'
...celebrated my 27th 'Golden' Birthday
...fell in love with a boy band (1D)
...wrote 125 pages in my 2013 journal (and realized I've been keeping a journal for over 10 years)
...developed a more serious writing practice
...saw The Postal Service live
...discovered some truly wonderful Youtube bloggers like Zoella and SprinkleofGlitter
...'quit' my job / started working part time as an independent contractor
...discovered new favorite restaurants: George and the Dragon & Sea Salt Eatery
...read...A LOT...
There were many more good memories, but the point is that yes, my dad died. I felt sad and disconnected and lonely throughout the year, but I also felt loved and supported. I learned how to rely on myself, and going into 2014 I feel healthy both mentally and physically.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Happy New Year!
I would be grossly underestimating if I were to say the last year hasn't been emotionally chaotic. It's been tough, really tough. It has been overwhelmingly sad. It has been yet another painstakingly slow journey down another path full of roadblocks and unexpected detours, but it has also been good.
My chest is heavy sometimes, I suppose because your heart and brain can only handle so much before they need some time to recuperate, in this case we call it grief. We grieve for those we love and lose and though that doesn't stop us from staying up all night making empty wishes, it does give a form of explanation and comfort where there is so little.
I used to wish so strongly it would cause my heart to beat with enough force to push out the tears. In the beginning they come out noisily, accompanied with violent bursts of air my lungs couldn't hold in any longer. After my body was tired and worn they would come out silently, sneaking through closed eyelids. Maybe the worst part of all is the end, when you have cried so much the tears become invisible like a sticky film of grief brushed over the entire body. The last few years has been nonstop, as soon as Heather and I free ourselves from one grief there is another incident waiting to deliver another devastating blow to our dwindling family numbers. It is physically and mentally taxing.
I am still searching for the pieces of me grief has hidden, still trying to put myself back together. It is a process, like trying to put together the remnants of a stained glass window, some of the fragments dissolving into particles of glass. The fact is, you can't make the same window again. It is broken beyond repair. I don't have a desire to fix my shattered glass of life because I would rather pick up all of the significant pieces and rebuild a structure more beautiful than the first.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I could cry tears of joy in the comfort that through all of the grief and suffering my sister and I have endured and through the waged wars we have encountered in sorrow and pain our struggle has been worthwhile. Here, at the end of all we've been through, we have managed to salvage our light and it is the most exquisite radiance I have ever known.
My chest is heavy sometimes, I suppose because your heart and brain can only handle so much before they need some time to recuperate, in this case we call it grief. We grieve for those we love and lose and though that doesn't stop us from staying up all night making empty wishes, it does give a form of explanation and comfort where there is so little.
I used to wish so strongly it would cause my heart to beat with enough force to push out the tears. In the beginning they come out noisily, accompanied with violent bursts of air my lungs couldn't hold in any longer. After my body was tired and worn they would come out silently, sneaking through closed eyelids. Maybe the worst part of all is the end, when you have cried so much the tears become invisible like a sticky film of grief brushed over the entire body. The last few years has been nonstop, as soon as Heather and I free ourselves from one grief there is another incident waiting to deliver another devastating blow to our dwindling family numbers. It is physically and mentally taxing.
I am still searching for the pieces of me grief has hidden, still trying to put myself back together. It is a process, like trying to put together the remnants of a stained glass window, some of the fragments dissolving into particles of glass. The fact is, you can't make the same window again. It is broken beyond repair. I don't have a desire to fix my shattered glass of life because I would rather pick up all of the significant pieces and rebuild a structure more beautiful than the first.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I could cry tears of joy in the comfort that through all of the grief and suffering my sister and I have endured and through the waged wars we have encountered in sorrow and pain our struggle has been worthwhile. Here, at the end of all we've been through, we have managed to salvage our light and it is the most exquisite radiance I have ever known.
Although this post is later than I had originally anticipated I must thank my sister, Ryan, and Nick for making it happen. Our birthday celebration visit was incredibly amazing, and I still may try to recreate it on here one of these days. It has been hard to write, hard to weed out emotions and sort through everything in my brain. It was on Ryan's birthday that I realized size makes no difference in a family. Even through the hardships, hormones, and heartache, Heather and I have had support. We have cried together and we have sought and received comfort from others and this is what fuels us to pursue our goals and achieve our dreams. I am just lucky enough to be achieving them alongside my sister. We are unstoppable.
And together we shall conquer the new year, we're ready for you 2014!
P.S. We WILL write more this year. We have a plan.
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