Double trouble

It's almost that time, again! We weren't sure if we were going to be able to do it, but tickets are bought and time off of work is arranged!

I'm so excited to have a weekend of Heather and I just hanging out and being our crazy sister selves.  It seems like it has been a decade since we've done this, and in truth it has been roughly 5 years since it's happened.  That is far too much time, though you have to make-do with what you've got and we just haven't had the resources to have weekends such as this as often as we'd like.

It makes this weekend that much more special.

One of my most fond memories is when we used to line up a bazillion movies and pick from a hat to see which one we'd watch first. We only ever got through one or two but my fondness grows from the fact that it was a decision we'd come to together.

They may have been silly movies, but we'd go through our large movie collection together and decide if we wanted to maybe watch it, definitely watch it, or definitely not watch it. Next, we'd take the movies we maybe wanted to watch and either put them in the watch or don't watch pile. Finally, we'd make little slips of paper and write down the number or name of the movie, put them in my dad's cowboy hat and pick the slips of paper, making a list of what order we would watch the movies.  It seems like such a silly childhood memory, but it's so much more in depth.

Memories such as this bring so much warmth to my sometimes frozen (pun definitely intended) heart.  It's hard to explain...our family has changed so much over the last years it sometimes seems as if that is all it will ever be, a memory, but those feeling were and are still very real.  I still feel just as much love and even more as our lives have changed. I have learned to love in a different way, respect my sister in a different way, and I have learned to adapt to the situations Heather and I have had to overcome.

We haven't completely overcome them yet, but I have an inkling that we are at the end of what has been a very long, emotional, and beautiful odyssey.  It's been full of sorrow, tears, and questions, but there have also been laughs along the way.

I'm just really excited to see her. Sometimes I lose who I was, who I am, and who I want to be, but when I'm with my sister, I just seem to know. I just am who I am and she loves me without judgement and I love her the same. It's different with different people, a lot of people I associate with now didn't know me before mom and dad passed. They have no clue who I was before all of this. I don't want to live in the past, I just want it to be a part of my future in a healthy, fulfilling way.

In two weeks she will be here for four days, and these two weeks just can't go by quick enough!

Well, it's almost time to see Heather again, and I'm not even sure I've written since the last time I saw her...bad me.  I need to step up my game! In only one short (but incredibly long feeling) week, Nick and I will be in Wisconsin, drinking beer, listening to country music, and enjoying an atmosphere full of fun and life. Sadly, it is also an atmosphere filled with the deep presence of dad's death.

I wish I could say it isn't going to be this way, but it is neither healthy nor productive to act like being in Wisconsin doesn't remind me of both the good times and the bad. I've never really felt the need to recognize these feelings before because I've always known that no matter what, Heather and I can and will make it through anything life throws our way, it's who we are- survivors.

There is no unique way to define the relationship I have with my sister.  I could use the stereotypical "special" relationship reference, or how we're "best friends" but that doesn't even begin to describe the horrific events we have been through together, the truly sorrowful moments we have shared. Above the memories of those sorrowful events are memories of laughter, laughter we share in our times of grief and trouble, and that is a medicine from the heart.

http://elitedaily.com/women/big-sister-made-for-you/698206/

It has been far too long since I've made a post, been crazy busy at work, though that I'd no excuse!

But I have....I'm even going to start training for bar tending on Saturday,  hopefully the money is at least a smidgen better.

The weather has been nice, went to the pool one day and grilled out with some people from work, it was yummy.

Next weekend we will be going to Chicago and I will be reunited with my sister! Soooooooooo excited! Haven't seen her since she ran her half marathon and I haven't seen Ryan since he graduated, time goes by so quickly these days.

Trying to teach myself not to be so negative again. Work seems to bring out the worst in me sometimes, the customer service industry will do that to you.  Just gotta keep a positive attitude.

Unfortunately duty calls and I must get ready for work, at least I got a little something on here. I am ready to have a good day! :)

Random Thoughts

This last Sunday I ran 10 miles with no knee pain! My left knee has been giving me trouble the last couple months so I have been trying to take it easy training while still getting ready for my upcoming first ever half marathon. It felt good to make it 10 miles. I plan to get in a 2, 4, and 6 mile run this week on Wed/Fri/Sun. Then next week Sunday is the race!

Easter weekend was overall very nice. Last week my boyfriend brought home Easter lilies and Frozen which I may have already watched 3 times, but who's counting?


I love the soundtrack to Frozen. Maybe it also just feels like the story resonates - so nice to see a Disney movie where there are two heroines, and sisters who are friends. For sisters who are semi-close in age I think it really resonates. I remember how close my sister were when we were young, and then as we grew up the 2 year age difference started to feel more like a distance, but then as we made it through high school somehow that distance seemed to shrink again.

The movie also feels like such a great metaphor for grief/depression - the danger of shutting people out and trying to hide your fear/anxiety/sadness/loneliness, and how sometimes it causes you to lash out at the people around you. Particularly those who care about you the most. So often over the years I have tried to explain to people what it feels like to suffer from depression, and often people think they understand, but then when they are met with it face to face they actually don't understand as much as they'd like to believe. It's hard because even though I consider myself to be introspective and self-aware it doesn't always mean that I feel totally in control of the irritability or anxiety. Then when you do hurt someone you feel awful, and the person feels awful, and it just makes you want to go inside your shell even more. Sometimes it has even felt like my depression might seep into the people around me - like the only way to protect the people I love is to stay away.

It's interesting because I do understand how difficult it can be on either end of mental illness. I have gone through some really dark times, but I have also experienced the helplessness of watching a loved one struggle with depression/anxiety/bipolar. I know how difficult it can be to distinguish the illness from the person. Sometimes it becomes so much a part of a person that it's hard to separate them at all. It's also difficult to find a balance between accepting the illness, but not necessarily accepting that there is no way to manage or ease the pain. I'm not sure it's great to just give up and say well that's just how she is - she'll always be a 'Debbie Downer.'

After my mom died I had a couple of friends who insisted and pushed me to open up and talk about the pain (and got quite upset and angry) because they felt I wasn't sharing my burden. Then when I tried to explain or share what my feelings were they got frustrated about those feelings. I had a friend who I confided in, and I said I was really trying, and was starting to feel better. She essentially told me she thought I was letting the dark side take over. I remember feeling really hurt, and really angry. Rather than trying to understand my life situation and experience at the time I felt she was putting a lot of pressure on me when what I really needed was space and understanding and empathy. At that time in my life it was hard just getting up and out of bed every day.

People who haven't lost someone may not realize it, but generally grief lasts much longer than just the 3 days or 2 weeks a person takes off of work. When it's a major person in your life that dies - I really didn't start to feel more stable until about 3 years after she died. It took that long for our family to kind of rebuild and for me to get back on my feet. There really aren't magical words to say to someone who has suffered a great loss. Honestly the words I have been most thankful for are just for people to admit that they haven't got a clue what to say or do, but that they do care.

Feeling cared for and loved does make a difference when grief is making you feel isolated or alone.

Another new day!

Yesterday was Easter and today is mother's birthday.

Happy  birthday, mom!

Easter was nice, we had dinner with Nick's family and then came home to hang out, watch some t.v. and have a lazy Sunday.  We got an Easter basket and now, of course, have way too much candy for our own good, but it is delicious and I will eat it if I must. ;)

I'm feeling pretty good today, probably because I don't know what my schedule at work is for the rest of the week. I'll find out when I go in today. Regardless, it's been really sunny and warm here lately, and that just changes my entire mood.  Who doesn't love when it's 70 and sunny?! Dare I say it is finally spring? :)

I've been a busy little bee lately, which is nice considering I've been busy in a positive way and not a negative one.  I can't say I'm not feeling a little nostalgic today, but that's always to be expected. It doesn't matter how long she's been gone, it's still her birthday. 

Today will start and end just like every other day, and I am in control of what today will become! (With some exceptions, of course)

Now I must get ready for work!

Curiouser and Curiouser

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

-The Walrus and the Carpenter (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There) by Lewis Carroll
  

I was so very excited to finish a first draft of my poetry collection, but now of course the last few weeks I have found it very difficult to sit back down and edit it.

Why is it so easy to get distracted from writing, even if I know I want to write? 

There are several poems in my collection that I have already edited numerous times, and yet I can read through one and still put a comma back in where I have taken it out several times before. The poems that were still very rough I now read through and as I edit I am essentially rewriting them. 

It's also daunting to dive into writing about things that are still difficult to fully face - grief and loss and depression and all that.

On the bright side it is still a different kind of torment then denying a dream. It's a more rewarding torture than working at a job just for a paycheck. 

I do enjoy my 'day' job so much more now because I have more control over what I do. I like who I work for and that makes a difference. So I'm willing to work harder and work even when I don't feel like it. It's always good to remind ourselves that we do have choices in how we live our lives. When we make sacrifices we have to remember why we are making them. 

I am missing my little sister a lot too. So that is hard sometimes. 

Life goes on though! I am excited that spring is here and it has been so nice out.




 

April showers bring May flowers!

Not too much time to post today but here are some thoughts:

1. Got to take a bath yesterday and chat for awhile, it always feels good to touch base. Taking a bath always relieves stress for me, must be something about the warm water (or the Lush luxuries) 

2. It's been raining cats and dogs lately, not literally (although that would be super sweet)

3. I work a ton this week, so hopefully that means a lot of money (but it doesn't necessarily) 

The rain feels good, it symbolizes the coming of spring and renewal, and I that is exactly what I need!

I will let those little raindrops wash away my worries, fears, and pains!

Off to work I go!