This last Sunday I ran 10 miles with no knee pain! My left knee has been giving me trouble the last couple months so I have been trying to take it easy training while still getting ready for my upcoming first ever half marathon. It felt good to make it 10 miles. I plan to get in a 2, 4, and 6 mile run this week on Wed/Fri/Sun. Then next week Sunday is the race!
Easter weekend was overall very nice. Last week my boyfriend brought home Easter lilies and Frozen which I may have already watched 3 times, but who's counting?
I love the soundtrack to Frozen. Maybe it also just feels like the story resonates - so nice to see a Disney movie where there are two heroines, and sisters who are friends. For sisters who are semi-close in age I think it really resonates. I remember how close my sister were when we were young, and then as we grew up the 2 year age difference started to feel more like a distance, but then as we made it through high school somehow that distance seemed to shrink again.
The movie also feels like such a great metaphor for grief/depression - the danger of shutting people out and trying to hide your fear/anxiety/sadness/loneliness, and how sometimes it causes you to lash out at the people around you. Particularly those who care about you the most. So often over the years I have tried to explain to people what it feels like to suffer from depression, and often people think they understand, but then when they are met with it face to face they actually don't understand as much as they'd like to believe. It's hard because even though I consider myself to be introspective and self-aware it doesn't always mean that I feel totally in control of the irritability or anxiety. Then when you do hurt someone you feel awful, and the person feels awful, and it just makes you want to go inside your shell even more. Sometimes it has even felt like my depression might seep into the people around me - like the only way to protect the people I love is to stay away.
It's interesting because I do understand how difficult it can be on either end of mental illness. I have gone through some really dark times, but I have also experienced the helplessness of watching a loved one struggle with depression/anxiety/bipolar. I know how difficult it can be to distinguish the illness from the person. Sometimes it becomes so much a part of a person that it's hard to separate them at all. It's also difficult to find a balance between accepting the illness, but not necessarily accepting that there is no way to manage or ease the pain. I'm not sure it's great to just give up and say well that's just how she is - she'll always be a 'Debbie Downer.'
After my mom died I had a couple of friends who insisted and pushed me to open up and talk about the pain (and got quite upset and angry) because they felt I wasn't sharing my burden. Then when I tried to explain or share what my feelings were they got frustrated about those feelings. I had a friend who I confided in, and I said I was really trying, and was starting to feel better. She essentially told me she thought I was letting the dark side take over. I remember feeling really hurt, and really angry. Rather than trying to understand my life situation and experience at the time I felt she was putting a lot of pressure on me when what I really needed was space and understanding and empathy. At that time in my life it was hard just getting up and out of bed every day.
People who haven't lost someone may not realize it, but generally grief lasts much longer than just the 3 days or 2 weeks a person takes off of work. When it's a major person in your life that dies - I really didn't start to feel more stable until about 3 years after she died. It took that long for our family to kind of rebuild and for me to get back on my feet. There really aren't magical words to say to someone who has suffered a great loss. Honestly the words I have been most thankful for are just for people to admit that they haven't got a clue what to say or do, but that they do care.
Feeling cared for and loved does make a difference when grief is making you feel isolated or alone.
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