Happy New Year!

 I would be grossly underestimating if I were to say the last year hasn't been emotionally chaotic. It's been tough, really tough. It has been overwhelmingly sad. It has been yet another painstakingly slow journey down another path full of roadblocks and unexpected detours, but it has also been good.

My chest is heavy sometimes, I suppose because your heart and brain can only handle so much before they need some time to recuperate, in this case we call it grief.  We grieve for those we love and lose and though that doesn't stop us from staying up all night making empty wishes, it does give a form of explanation and comfort where there is so little.

I used to wish so strongly it would cause my heart to beat with enough force to push out the tears. In the beginning they come out noisily, accompanied with violent bursts of air my lungs couldn't hold in any longer. After my body was tired and worn they would come out silently, sneaking through closed eyelids. Maybe the worst part of all is the end, when you have cried so much the tears become invisible like a sticky film of grief brushed over the entire body. The last few years has been nonstop, as soon as Heather and I free ourselves from one grief there is another incident waiting to deliver another devastating blow to our dwindling family numbers.  It is physically and mentally taxing.

I am still searching for the pieces of me grief has hidden, still trying to put myself back together.  It is a process, like trying to put together the remnants of a stained glass window, some of the fragments dissolving into particles of glass. The fact is, you can't make the same window again. It is broken beyond repair.  I don't have a desire to fix my shattered glass of life because I would rather pick up all of the significant pieces and rebuild a structure more beautiful than the first.

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”   ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I could cry tears of joy in the comfort that through all of the grief and suffering my sister and I have endured and through the waged wars we have encountered in sorrow and pain our struggle has been worthwhile. Here, at the end of all we've been through, we have managed to salvage our light and it is the most exquisite radiance I have ever known. 

Although this post is later than I had originally anticipated I must thank my sister, Ryan, and Nick for making it happen. Our birthday celebration visit was incredibly amazing, and I still may try to recreate it on here one of these days. It has been hard to write, hard to weed out emotions and sort through everything in my brain. It was on Ryan's birthday that I realized size makes no difference in a family. Even through the hardships, hormones, and heartache, Heather and I have had support. We have cried together and we have sought and received comfort from others and this is what fuels us to pursue our goals and achieve our dreams. I am just lucky enough to be achieving them alongside my sister. We are unstoppable. 

And together we shall conquer the new year, we're ready for you 2014! 

P.S. We WILL write more this year. We have a plan.