Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. -Buddha

The Boston bombings have concerned me on so many different levels, and I have acquired quite the amount of life-knowledge out of this tragic event.

I am so desperately saddened for the families who have suffered because of the cruelness of strangers and with no explanation. These families were offered no compassion or humanity and instantaneously became victims left to travel the lonely roads of grief because someone chose to end their family member’s life during an act of violence.  Is there no humanity left?

I am, of course, referring to the Boston bombings, but also to the many other shootings, bombings, and attacks this country has endured since it was born.  We are attacked by acts full of hate and violence and carry a heavy sorrowful and oppressive poison. 

This poison has spread like wildfire.

I cannot pretend to understand what these families are going through; every individual must walk his/her personal path, no path is the same.  Unfortunately, people often believe they must walk this path alone.  You do not have to walk the path alone, but there are trails that you should walk alone; be brave, be honest, be courageous and will yourself to progress as a human and as an individual.  Family and friends help to keep your head above water but in the end it’s a personal and spiritual journey.

The poison is taking its toll.

We don’t care about achieving our personal best as humans. We care only to be better than others, knocking them down for personal gain when necessary, never accepting that we have faults and are capable of change.  I understand there is no way to rid evil in this world but we can and should be more proactive in appreciating life and pain for what its worth.

I have encountered too many atrocious comments to go unnoticed.  People openly suggesting torture tactics as revenge for a violent crime.  It disgusts me to my core, equally as badly as those responsible for the crimes.

“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.” Mahatma Gandhi

One person’s actions do NOT give you an excuse to be inhumane.  This is not a gray area. This is black and white, it is wrong.  I’m not saying it isn’t natural to have these thoughts, the urge to hurt those who have hurt so many others, but it this is not the answer. We are teaching our children that violence can solve problems. 

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”  Martin Luther King Jr.

I’m not disagreeing that these people do not need to take responsibility for their actions, or that people should not defend themselves or their families, there are situations that call for good people to do bad things in the name of justice.  If you are a good person you will heavily weigh life in every sense, every action has a consequence, good and bad. 

A man who kills someone to protect his family isn’t a bad person.

A police officer who kills someone who is planning on intentionally harming someone else isn’t a bad person.

I won’t even argue that there is no basis for the death penalty; people should be punished accordingly for their crimes.

As far as judgments go, another life is not for me to judge, I will politely leave that for whatever God they believe in to decide.

We need to work together to build a society focused more on progress, and less on negativity and hate, but we can only do this together. We will get there. I have had role models who have helped mold me into who I am today, and together we will continue to encourage peace and love in place of hate and violence. 

 “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

We don't want to face the worst, but we do it anyway.

Today it is April 13, and it is Saturday. I returned a few books to the library. I feel a bit like a jerk because Code Name Verity was very overdue, but I couldn't bring myself to take it back to the library until I had read it through. I am glad I did. My boyfriend and I went to the gym this morning, and then got groceries. Then I sunk myself into the couch for awhile, but thought better of it. I forced myself to get up and do something.

Lately I have been afraid. All the usual stereotypical fears. I am afraid to leave my job, and afraid of what will happen to my confidence if I don't. I am afraid to put myself out there and open myself up to criticism, but again if I don't, then I am afraid of what I will think of myself. I am afraid to fail, and am also afraid to succeed. These are just the vague fears that plague us all. 

I am sure some of my anxiety stems from post traumatic stress. Grief. The fear of bad things happening to the people I love, and also from losing those I love. 

I suppose what it all comes down to is fear of the unknown. Essentially that is what fear is, isn't it? I have already survived the heartache of loss, so why do I fear it again? I fear being unsure of how I will act in a given situation, whether I will come across the way I intend. I am afraid of others misinterpreting me. I fear how other people will behave in situations, but what difference does it make? 

"Do I dare

Disturb the universe?

In a minute there is time

For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse."

-From "The Love song of J Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot

Sometimes I wonder if I am also not just afraid of what I or others may be incapable of surviving, but also afraid of the endurance of the human heart. How can it be that people can undergo so much suffering, and still survive? Live even? Sometimes it makes me sad that with so much suffering and hardship, people can still be cruel. Why do we bother to be cruel if it is not necessary? Lately I have had a harder time shrugging off negative people, rude people, people who just seem oblivious to how their negative energy impacts those around them. I understand maybe it's not healthy for everyone to internalize their frustrations like I do, and I certainly am not always able to do so, but at least I try to be conscious of who is on the receiving end of my wrath. Yet there are also so many people who survive atrocious experiences and manage to maintain a compassionate nature.

I just got interrupted from my writing. "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash just came on the radio as I am sitting here at Starbucks. 

To explain why this struck me, I will explain that my dad was a big fan of Johnny Cash. He also had a very deep voice like him. When my dad met Gloria, his fiance, it kind of became a song that they shared because at a family Halloween party one year, Gloria was dancing around the fire and actually tripped and fell in. Luckily, even though she got burned, she was not permanently damaged by the incident. 

Over the last year as Holly, Dad, Gloria and I all became a family, when we visited we would ALWAYS listen to his song at least once (usually many more times). We would all dance and sing along. 

We played Johnny Cash at dad's funeral. 

So last weekend, my boyfriend and I drove down to Wisconsin to visit Gloria and dad's friends. We made it down Thursday night and it was a nice night with just a few of us hanging out at the local bar. The next morning, Gloria went to work. I woke up and took a shower. I just felt so sad. It felt so weird to be there without dad, now that the shock has worn off a bit. Gloria's house felt so quiet. Most of dad's stuff was boxed up so that Gloria could start functioning again (and I am so glad that she was blessed with sisters too so she didn't have to do that alone). 

Anyways, I just kept waiting to hear my dad's voice ask us whether we were going to breakfast. Tell us we were burning daylight. Instead it was just quiet. So I got out of the shower, feeling a bit hollow on the inside, and very sad. And all of a sudden I hear a woman's voice on the t.v. in their bedroom start singing "Ring of Fire." I don't know the name of the artist, but it is a newer version of the song. I went in and sat on the bed and listened, and maybe it was a coincidence that the song came on, but I felt considerably more peaceful hearing it. 

So now, to hear it again at a time when I am struggling a bit internally, it is soothing. 

Our bodies are magical things. When we think we have reached the end of our strength, somewhere there are hidden reserves. When we think we cannot take another step, somehow our bodies do not fail us even when our will is faint. The weekend my dad was dying, we barely slept. I remember sitting next to my sister, both of us in uncomfortable, hard chairs. Both of us with our heads on the bed, holding dad's hand, and half holding each other. Waiting. Somehow we were able to go through it. 

You don't want to watch a part of you die, but you do it anyway. The human heart is roughly the size of a human fist, but it is also infinite. 

When great tragedies happen, there are moments where you wonder how you will ever appreciate life again. There have been moments in the last few weeks where I have felt very lonely, and infinitely sad, and dreadfully pessimistic. At the same time, I do appreciate that the heaviness of my grief is due to the loss being great. We cannot live and love to our highest potential without facing our fears and giving ourselves the opportunity to do so. I had lovely, wonderful, loving parents, an adoring grandmother, and I would not miss them nearly so much if they had not been so extraordinary. 

Leaving the Pain Behind

“She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It's easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said.”

― Brian Andreas, Story People: Selected Stories & Drawings of Brian Andreas

It is essential that you leave pieces behind, a legacy; otherwise you would be so full of sorrow. There are dark hours in every life…death in every life.  You cannot appreciate one without appreciating the other, it is a law of nature, and nature does not answer to the demands of mortals. 

We, however, are so stuck in our ways, refusing to change or embrace other cultures.  We appreciate culture as a society but we don’t place ourselves in other cultures to learn, not like we could at least. 

How sad for those who don’t want to experience other culture, people who don’t appreciate traveling, enjoy different kinds of food? How much life are they missing out on, purposefully extracting themselves from educating themselves on how other people live so they can be grateful. Not that you can’t be grateful without experiencing these cultures but to stay stagnant for so long… how terrible. 

Change must be embraced.  Change is not always easy, but it can be exciting, it can be unpredictable and relentless, but change is inevitable.  If you can’t accept it, you will be left in the past, wondering what little part of you is missing, and asking why you don’t feel complete. 

I suppose it’s more important that you accept yourself for who you are…if you can do that then you can pretty much do whatever you want…although to be a good person you should always try to better yourself, because it is always possible.

Sometimes you leave pieces behind because they are too painful to hold onto…and eventually, sometimes, you will reach a point where picking them back up doesn’t seem so dark and dreary, but they will turn into the light you were so desperately holding onto when you let them go in the first place.

The hardest part of grief is the brief moments where you lose a part of yourself, one that you know in your heart of hearts cannot be retrieved. Those moments when you ask yourself,  "Can I really do this? Am I capable of recovering?" 

Sometimes I think I won't, and then I remember that my strength doesn't come from fighting the pain, it comes from embracing pain, and allowing it a little space in my soul, that I will guard just as closely as my happiness. It makes me who I am. 

When I am really unsure, I resort to my books.  Tricks and advice I have learned from reading. One of my favorites is from good ole' Katniss... My name is Holly Mueller. My mother committed suicide after surviving breast cancer. My grandmother died, not from lung cancer, but from old age.  My father....my dad, too, is dead.  I live in Kentucky. I have a sister named Heather who means more to me than life itself.  My life is not over.  Troy loves me. 

Whatever I need to do to get through those dark moments...I am willing to do whatever it takes, and it is this very uncommon character trait that reminds me I don't need to linger in the shadows... I just need to walk towards the light...and if I can't see it, I'll just have to find a candle, or some wood, a lighter or matches. Anything. Whatever it takes. For me, for her (my sister), and for my mom and dad, to honor them because that is what they deserve.