This last Sunday I ran 10 miles with no knee pain! My left knee has been giving me trouble the last couple months so I have been trying to take it easy training while still getting ready for my upcoming first ever half marathon. It felt good to make it 10 miles. I plan to get in a 2, 4, and 6 mile run this week on Wed/Fri/Sun. Then next week Sunday is the race!
Easter weekend was overall very nice. Last week my boyfriend brought home Easter lilies and Frozen which I may have already watched 3 times, but who's counting?
I love the soundtrack to Frozen. Maybe it also just feels like the story resonates - so nice to see a Disney movie where there are two heroines, and sisters who are friends. For sisters who are semi-close in age I think it really resonates. I remember how close my sister were when we were young, and then as we grew up the 2 year age difference started to feel more like a distance, but then as we made it through high school somehow that distance seemed to shrink again.
The movie also feels like such a great metaphor for grief/depression - the danger of shutting people out and trying to hide your fear/anxiety/sadness/loneliness, and how sometimes it causes you to lash out at the people around you. Particularly those who care about you the most. So often over the years I have tried to explain to people what it feels like to suffer from depression, and often people think they understand, but then when they are met with it face to face they actually don't understand as much as they'd like to believe. It's hard because even though I consider myself to be introspective and self-aware it doesn't always mean that I feel totally in control of the irritability or anxiety. Then when you do hurt someone you feel awful, and the person feels awful, and it just makes you want to go inside your shell even more. Sometimes it has even felt like my depression might seep into the people around me - like the only way to protect the people I love is to stay away.
It's interesting because I do understand how difficult it can be on either end of mental illness. I have gone through some really dark times, but I have also experienced the helplessness of watching a loved one struggle with depression/anxiety/bipolar. I know how difficult it can be to distinguish the illness from the person. Sometimes it becomes so much a part of a person that it's hard to separate them at all. It's also difficult to find a balance between accepting the illness, but not necessarily accepting that there is no way to manage or ease the pain. I'm not sure it's great to just give up and say well that's just how she is - she'll always be a 'Debbie Downer.'
After my mom died I had a couple of friends who insisted and pushed me to open up and talk about the pain (and got quite upset and angry) because they felt I wasn't sharing my burden. Then when I tried to explain or share what my feelings were they got frustrated about those feelings. I had a friend who I confided in, and I said I was really trying, and was starting to feel better. She essentially told me she thought I was letting the dark side take over. I remember feeling really hurt, and really angry. Rather than trying to understand my life situation and experience at the time I felt she was putting a lot of pressure on me when what I really needed was space and understanding and empathy. At that time in my life it was hard just getting up and out of bed every day.
People who haven't lost someone may not realize it, but generally grief lasts much longer than just the 3 days or 2 weeks a person takes off of work. When it's a major person in your life that dies - I really didn't start to feel more stable until about 3 years after she died. It took that long for our family to kind of rebuild and for me to get back on my feet. There really aren't magical words to say to someone who has suffered a great loss. Honestly the words I have been most thankful for are just for people to admit that they haven't got a clue what to say or do, but that they do care.
Feeling cared for and loved does make a difference when grief is making you feel isolated or alone.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Another new day!
Yesterday was Easter and today is mother's birthday.
Happy birthday, mom!
Easter was nice, we had dinner with Nick's family and then came home to hang out, watch some t.v. and have a lazy Sunday. We got an Easter basket and now, of course, have way too much candy for our own good, but it is delicious and I will eat it if I must. ;)
I'm feeling pretty good today, probably because I don't know what my schedule at work is for the rest of the week. I'll find out when I go in today. Regardless, it's been really sunny and warm here lately, and that just changes my entire mood. Who doesn't love when it's 70 and sunny?! Dare I say it is finally spring? :)
I've been a busy little bee lately, which is nice considering I've been busy in a positive way and not a negative one. I can't say I'm not feeling a little nostalgic today, but that's always to be expected. It doesn't matter how long she's been gone, it's still her birthday.
Today will start and end just like every other day, and I am in control of what today will become! (With some exceptions, of course)
Now I must get ready for work!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Curiouser and Curiouser
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
-The Walrus and the Carpenter (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There) by Lewis Carroll
I was so very excited to finish a first draft of my poetry collection, but now of course the last few weeks I have found it very difficult to sit back down and edit it.
Why is it so easy to get distracted from writing, even if I know I want to write?
There are several poems in my collection that I have already edited numerous times, and yet I can read through one and still put a comma back in where I have taken it out several times before. The poems that were still very rough I now read through and as I edit I am essentially rewriting them.
It's also daunting to dive into writing about things that are still difficult to fully face - grief and loss and depression and all that.
On the bright side it is still a different kind of torment then denying a dream. It's a more rewarding torture than working at a job just for a paycheck.
I do enjoy my 'day' job so much more now because I have more control over what I do. I like who I work for and that makes a difference. So I'm willing to work harder and work even when I don't feel like it. It's always good to remind ourselves that we do have choices in how we live our lives. When we make sacrifices we have to remember why we are making them.
I am missing my little sister a lot too. So that is hard sometimes.
Life goes on though! I am excited that spring is here and it has been so nice out.
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
-The Walrus and the Carpenter (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There) by Lewis Carroll
I was so very excited to finish a first draft of my poetry collection, but now of course the last few weeks I have found it very difficult to sit back down and edit it.
Why is it so easy to get distracted from writing, even if I know I want to write?
There are several poems in my collection that I have already edited numerous times, and yet I can read through one and still put a comma back in where I have taken it out several times before. The poems that were still very rough I now read through and as I edit I am essentially rewriting them.
It's also daunting to dive into writing about things that are still difficult to fully face - grief and loss and depression and all that.
On the bright side it is still a different kind of torment then denying a dream. It's a more rewarding torture than working at a job just for a paycheck.
I do enjoy my 'day' job so much more now because I have more control over what I do. I like who I work for and that makes a difference. So I'm willing to work harder and work even when I don't feel like it. It's always good to remind ourselves that we do have choices in how we live our lives. When we make sacrifices we have to remember why we are making them.
I am missing my little sister a lot too. So that is hard sometimes.
Life goes on though! I am excited that spring is here and it has been so nice out.
Monday, April 7, 2014
April showers bring May flowers!
Not too much time to post today but here are some thoughts:
1. Got to take a bath yesterday and chat for awhile, it always feels good to touch base. Taking a bath always relieves stress for me, must be something about the warm water (or the Lush luxuries)
2. It's been raining cats and dogs lately, not literally (although that would be super sweet)
3. I work a ton this week, so hopefully that means a lot of money (but it doesn't necessarily)
The rain feels good, it symbolizes the coming of spring and renewal, and I that is exactly what I need!
I will let those little raindrops wash away my worries, fears, and pains!
Off to work I go!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Winter Skin
It feels like I have been shedding my winter skin. I have been worried that it might stay with me, but I can feel myself letting go a bit. I feel a bit lighter, and a bit brighter.
On Sunday, it was around 60 degrees outside, and the sun came out. A friend and I ran together to get in our long slow distance miles. We ran a little over 9 miles! It felt really good to get in that distance because the half marathon is only five weeks away. My troublesome knee only acted up towards the end, but I was still able to finish the run.
All winter being on treadmills it felt like my legs were lead. I tried to push myself, but I always felt so off kilter on them. One of the best mental pep talks I give myself while running is to think "This isn't so bad. This is just running. You can run. You've been through hell, and you couldn't do anything about it, but you can do this. Just run." Unfortunately for anyone who loves to run outside a treadmill actually does feel like hell. So then I'd pretend that the treadmill was my prison, and I'd tell myself that I couldn't stop running because otherwise I might be shot.
Training through the winter did make a difference though, and now that I am back to training outside I can feel the benefits. Yesterday I ran outside for my speed workout. I did timed miles, and the times were 10:09, 8:33, and 8:47. For me that is really good!
I like to consider myself a self-motivated person, but maybe it's just because I'm good at playing mental games and tricking myself into being productive. It's a different kind of challenge than just surviving something or getting through something. When someone dies you don't have much control over them dying, but you still have to control your own actions. Honestly I think most people do this quite well. In truth many around us are grieving in one way or another, and isn't it miraculous that they are doing so and still going about their lives?
I suppose you just put one foot in front of the other and somehow end up on the other side. I've been trying to get myself in that mindset in day to day life. If I know what I want, and if I know the steps to take, then I just have to put one foot in front of the other.
Grief. Depression. Anxiety. I have tried to explain these things to other people, and it can be difficult to do so when a person hasn't had much experience with those states of mind. They aren't tangible so even though a person may feel surrounded by a dark cloud no one else can see it. They might feel like someone is holding their heart in a vice. Their heart may be racing for no reason at all.
So when someone says that they are suffering from these things it's important to remember that for that person even though they might still look like the same person on the outside, on the inside they are struggling. Be kind. It might just be that getting out of bed that day was a major accomplishment.
On Sunday, it was around 60 degrees outside, and the sun came out. A friend and I ran together to get in our long slow distance miles. We ran a little over 9 miles! It felt really good to get in that distance because the half marathon is only five weeks away. My troublesome knee only acted up towards the end, but I was still able to finish the run.
All winter being on treadmills it felt like my legs were lead. I tried to push myself, but I always felt so off kilter on them. One of the best mental pep talks I give myself while running is to think "This isn't so bad. This is just running. You can run. You've been through hell, and you couldn't do anything about it, but you can do this. Just run." Unfortunately for anyone who loves to run outside a treadmill actually does feel like hell. So then I'd pretend that the treadmill was my prison, and I'd tell myself that I couldn't stop running because otherwise I might be shot.
Training through the winter did make a difference though, and now that I am back to training outside I can feel the benefits. Yesterday I ran outside for my speed workout. I did timed miles, and the times were 10:09, 8:33, and 8:47. For me that is really good!
I like to consider myself a self-motivated person, but maybe it's just because I'm good at playing mental games and tricking myself into being productive. It's a different kind of challenge than just surviving something or getting through something. When someone dies you don't have much control over them dying, but you still have to control your own actions. Honestly I think most people do this quite well. In truth many around us are grieving in one way or another, and isn't it miraculous that they are doing so and still going about their lives?
I suppose you just put one foot in front of the other and somehow end up on the other side. I've been trying to get myself in that mindset in day to day life. If I know what I want, and if I know the steps to take, then I just have to put one foot in front of the other.
Grief. Depression. Anxiety. I have tried to explain these things to other people, and it can be difficult to do so when a person hasn't had much experience with those states of mind. They aren't tangible so even though a person may feel surrounded by a dark cloud no one else can see it. They might feel like someone is holding their heart in a vice. Their heart may be racing for no reason at all.
So when someone says that they are suffering from these things it's important to remember that for that person even though they might still look like the same person on the outside, on the inside they are struggling. Be kind. It might just be that getting out of bed that day was a major accomplishment.
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