Happy Birthday, Heather! Whoo hoo!!!!!! I love you :)

Heather- Happy birthday to the most inspirational and encouraging woman in my life. I am so proud of you!

Do you remember playing restaurant when we were little? I was probably five- you always wanted to be the hostess and I always wanted to be the waitress (which has probably helped me considering that has been my profession for quite some time now).  We used to stress ourselves out, at such a young age, because the “restaurant” in the basement was always ridiculously slammed. We had no tangible customers yet we helped each other.... taking drink orders when I couldn’t get to a table by the fireplace, helping me deliver food, and answering the constantly ringing telephone to take reservations (as well as the many people who were waiting in line to be seated already). 

We ran a very busy and successful establishment (with no real customers).

This is how we had fun…how much pretend stress can we endure?

“Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.”
― Barbara Alpert

My sister and I have been all of these things for each other, especially the shrink part. Although we are past the wishing we were only children stage there were plenty of moments that wish crossed our minds when we were growing up.

My sister is my mirror, shining back at me with a world of possibilities, but she is more than that…She and I make possibilities.  I don’t have to wait for opportunities to come knocking at my door, I open the door and venture out to greet them. While I can do this on my own, it is always more fun with my sister.  Everything is more fun with my sister.

“We hug, but there are no tears. For every awful thing that's been said and done, she is my sister. Parents die, daughters grow up and marry out, but sisters are for life. She is the only person left in the world who shares my memories of our childhood, our parents, our Shanghai, our struggles, our sorrows, and, yes, even our moments of happiness and triumph. My sister is the one person who truly knows me, as I know her. The last thing May says to me is 'When our hair is white, we'll still have our sister love.”
― Lisa See, Shanghai Girls

“The anguish I always feel when she's in pain wells up in my chest and threatens to register on my face.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

I’m excited for your birthday, I am happy for your birthday, a little sad for your birthday (since our family members have dwindled), but most of all I am thankful for your birthday, because it is the start of your existence, one of which I would be completely lost without.

This is a time for celebration, but we are still sad, sometimes sad sisters.  You can’t stop grief, you can’t make it disappear, and you certainly can’t put it on hold. You CAN look at it from different perspectives and positions in your life, and that’s how I feel about the following two:

Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.

(MU Article, 2010)”
― Shannon L. Alder

“You can not die of grief, though it feels as if you can. A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor. How dare I feel happy. How dare I be glad in a world where my father is no more. And then you cry fresh tears, because you do not miss him as much as you once did, and giving up your grief is another kind of death.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton

I don’t think that it is necessarily missing them less, it’s just allowing yourself to grieve less….to go on with your life, to allow yourself the opportunity to be truly happy. My sister and I will find this opportunity together as well…with help along the way from Ryan, Nick, family, and friends.  We will get there and learn along the way.

Also, yesterday was mom and dad’s anniversary. I was sad, but also I had this thought.

Until death did they part and in death they are reunited. I would say I think they had a nice party but I know it would have been a completely crazy party instead.  Probably full of beer, laughter, storytelling, and love, the way parties are supposed to be. 

I love you, Heather! I hope that this year offers fewer obstacles.  I don’t necessarily need more of anything; less obstacles and devastation would be greatly appreciated though, eh?

Perhaps we could start planning our trip to Disneyworld? Who knows!

So many exciting options, can’t wait to get started :)

Lastly,

I GET TO SEE YOU IN LESS THAN A WEEK. ERMAGERD I CAN’T WAIT. I AM SO EXCITED!!! EEEEEEEEEEP!

"Insist on yourself; never imitate." Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

I am feeling good this morning. The weekend was nice. I am loving the fall weather! The in between seasons are my favorite. I am also getting used to waking up early again which is wonderful, especially when it means I get to start the day with writing or planning or something for me. These days since I  enjoy my job so much and have direction for my life path I actually feel like I get to feel that way most mornings.

My life is feeling more connected again.

It is still challenging to set your own path to follow. In fact, in many ways it is more challenging. When I was allowing myself to feel trapped at work I was also allowing myself to blame outside forces for a lot of the issues that stressed me out, and the driving force behind feeling trapped was good old fashioned FEAR.

We expect to feel fear when we lose a loved one or when something traumatic happens. In those instances though the fear is so great that our adrenaline kicks in and honestly you react and handle it without having to give it much thought.

Dangerous fear is the anxiety that attacks slowly over a long period of time. It's the fear that clings to you after a traumatic incident has passed. It's the fear that sits in the back of your mind, and it can be quite confusing after awhile trying to decipher if your fears are founded or not. Often the fear and anxiety is not equal to the 'danger.'

The key for me is that I am learning how to be more proactive. Rather than just wait for problems to 'get me' I try to face them head on or prepare for potential problems before they occur.

It requires faith in yourself, which is not always easy. I struggle with self doubt and worrying that I am not good enough or smart enough or talented enough to make it in the world, but I think most people have those doubts from time to time.

Now that I am technically self-employed it is up to me and me alone to stay motivated and focused. Whether at my current position as an executive assistant, or as I am working on writing projects in the hopes of becoming a published (and paid!) writer. So it's a challenge to make sure that I am setting goals and achieving them. Setting a path and actually following it.

It's a much more rewarding challenge though, and it also makes me feel less cranky with the world. I guess because I know that ultimately if I have control over my life then I also only have myself to blame if I don't stay on track. It also gives me the freedom to jump tracks though if they don't work anymore.

Self-reliance is a great thing.

Look to this day!

"Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life, 
In its brief course 
Lie all the verities and realities of your 
existence:
The bliss of growth, 
The glory of action,
The splendor of beauty,
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow only a vision,
But today well lived makes every yesterday 
a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day!
Such is the salutation of the dawn."
-Kalidasa (Sanskrit)

I am taking real ownership over my life. I do believe that every day has the potential to be a new beginning. There will always be outside forces that influence my decisions, but I am realizing how true the concept is that you are always the one who has the ability to control how you react to what life hands you.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Rooselvelt

There are many variations on that quote, but they all have the same idea. We allow ourselves to be valued by others based on how we value ourselves.

After my mom died, I tried to return to 'normal' so quickly. This year in dealing with the grief of losing my dad, I didn't want to force normal. I didn't want to pretend that life could be the same. I didn't want to pretend that I could be the same.

That has been one of the biggest challenges in losing my parents, but I also think that in many ways accepting your past, present, and future selves all at once is hard at any age, in any circumstance.

At the end of 2012, my boyfriend and I felt like we had been running a marathon on a rocky road. It felt like one family emergency after another had hit us. I ended the year feeling ready to take on 2013 because I just knew it was going to be an amazing year after all we had been through in 2012!

Then, my dad died! Some days it still feels unfathomable.

Somehow, it has still been a great year so far in so many ways. It doesn't make me less sad about my dad being gone. In fact, sometimes it makes me more sad because I just wish that he were here to enjoy the positives of this year.

Such is life though. We don't always get what we want. Death is just part of life. It's not that I feel blase about death. I am just more prepared with the feelings that come along with grief. Not only that, but I am accepting myself more. I am also learning what actually helps me when I start mentally slipping.

Quitting my job was a calculated leap of faith. It worked out in my favor because now I work as an independent contractor for one of the executives, and it has reminded me that I actually don't mind the administrative field. Over the summer it helped me realize that I am not ready to commit to an MFA program, at least not yet. I want to invest in the program for the right reasons at the right time. I was starting to feel like the main reason I wanted to go was so that I could fall back on teaching creative writing. I don't want to start a program as a safety net.

Fear of failure is normal. Everyone experiences it at some point, on some scale. I just don't want to let it dictate my choices. I don't need a program for credibility. I don't need to complete a degree right now so that I can teach.

I had a big 'AHA' moment:

How can I expect other people to take me seriously as a writer, if I refuse to take myself seriously? If I don't believe in myself, then how on earth can I ask other people to believe in me? What's more, how dare I even consider teaching if it is only because I am too afraid to put my own ideas into practice?! Someday I may want to teach, but first I want to experience!

Isn't it funny how sometimes you make a 'difficult' decision and it feels so right afterwards that you wonder how it could have been so difficult?

This fall I have given myself permission to be a writer without going back to school. It's still hard some days. I feel like I'm playing a a game. I'm 'pretending' to be a writer like playing pretend as a child. I log my hours, and I've created a 'writing project management spreadsheet' with goals and deadlines through December. I'm not focusing on money yet, but I do plan to submit a few pieces to literary journals or contests.

This week on Tuesday it was World Suicide Prevention Day and on Wednesday it was Patriot Day - remembering 9/11. Both of these days made me realize how lucky I am to be where I am. Life isn't perfect, but above all else, I have the luxury of dreaming. Funny how time and dreams can seem like luxuries, but I think as a nation we take them for granted sometimes.

On top of that I have a sister, and family, and friends who love and support me and accept me. Friends and family whether 'blood' or not who have been willing to let me be me. People who have been interested in me and who have let me into their lives.

On a last note, I have also given myself two fitness challenges to get me through the fall. I have found that exercising regularly really helps with my depression/anxiety and it has been a huge help in grieving.

1) I am going to run a cumulative 100 miles before the end of the year.

 2) I am going to go to LA Fitness an average of 3 times a week or 12 times a month, which will also be enough to receive the wellness reimbursement through my insurance plan.

Of course last week I pulled a calf muscle and had to stop one of my runs short...BUT I am still going to stick with my goals. I was able to make it to Zumba classes this week, and I am hoping that taking yesterday and today off will be the last bit of rest my leg needs in order to run again.

So the next four months will be good. Better than good. The holidays are coming up, and I know they will be hard this year. That's why I am focusing on what's important to me right now. I want to stay active, but I also want to make sure I continue to take care of myself.

Writing. Health & Fitness. Family & Friends.

Visit my sister. Celebrate our birthdays. Enjoy the holidays. Live simply, but fully.

Home is people.

“Home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see is what is not there any more.”
― Robin Hobb, Fool's Fate

 Today I baked some yummy pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting. They turned out really tasty. Made like 100 cupcakes though, what am I gonna do with 100 cupcakes? Oh well.

Home is people.  I miss my sister and Ryan, not to mention mom and dad, but I will see Heather and Ryan in less than a month and that is a reasonable amount of time to wait!

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”
― Erma Bombeck

I try to think like this when I start something new. I've been trying new crochet patterns and sometimes it's hard to not get angry when I get a stitch wrong or miss a loop.  I end up having to undo as many rows as it takes to fix the problem and then I have to go and do them again. It's crazy.  It doesn't feel so bad to make a mistake trying something new though, no matter how annoying it is. 

“Grief is a curious thing, when it happens unexpectedly. It is a Band-aid being ripped away, taking the top layer off a family. And the underbelly of a household is never pretty, ours no exception.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

I can't imagine a relationship more unique than the relationship between my family members.  My sister and Ryan have been there for me without question every single time I have needed them.  They believe in me and I believe in myself.  Despite all of our problems and circumstances in the past my sister and I will always have an amazing family.   We couldn't be more lucky.  As a sister, what more can you really want? I want to know my sister is safe, happy, and healthy.  While I know this can't always be the case, and we must finishing our grieving process to grow from this experience, we are only going to come out stronger and more motivated. This is our true beauty. 


Also, the kitten is suuuuuuuuuuuuper cute. Yeah, it is kitten time! She's sad because she had a rough day...vet trip....other incidents. She will be her crazy self again in the morning!