It is very cold here in Minneapolis today. Even the University of Minnesota is closed! It's hard to believe that the first month of the year is nearly over. I am getting more and more practiced at living in the present though. I haven't been feeling as 'freaked out' about my 5 or 10 year plan. I thought I'd be more nervous since I'm getting closer to 30, but I like being 27. I know what I want, and life seems open ended again...in a good way.
In a way it's funny because there's still somewhat of a stigma about women turning 30 or about getting older in general. I suppose because unmarried women past 30 at one time were seen as 'old maids.' Thankfully many of the 'rules' seem to have changed, and I hope they continue to do so. More importantly I hope women continue to see age and wisdom as empowerment. Ten years ago I was 17, and I enjoyed being 17, but today I feel like I am truly 'coming into my own.'
It's as if all the past versions of me are finally finding a way to merge and coexist.
It makes me think of the idea of 'country' mouse vs. 'city' mouse. I grew up in a small town, but moved to a city. For awhile it seemed like I was definitely more of a 'city' person. All through high school I had the stereotypical "gotta get outta this town" attitude.
Now I realize that I am part of both, or both are part of me.
Ultimately maybe it comes down to acceptance. I am who I am.
It's a seemingly simple concept that can actually be very complex in practice.
I used to be very hard on myself about every little mistake or conceived mistake. Now it is a bit easier for me to realize that all those stumbles led me to where I am today. Of course since I'm in a good place today it is easy to feel that way.
Why am I in a good place when life is still hard?
It will be a year this week since my dad died. It's not like I haven't been grieving or dealing with it. I guess overall I just know myself more and more each day. Knowledge and experience does make a difference. I've read a lot of great books that have helped me gain perspective, and there are some things you can only learn through experience. I'm just taking it a day at a time.
I'm accepting the bad with the good. I get to see my sister soon, and she just got a new job! I'm still loving my job, and writing regularly. I've been exercising regularly, and will be starting a more serious training schedule soon so that I can get fit for running a half marathon. I'm already registered, and it will be my first one! My boyfriend is in his last semester of school, and that is something we have been working on since we first started dating.
I hope to write more blog posts on how I am coping and managing and how it is possible to live with depression and grieve and handle difficult times and still have hope and find happiness.
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