Soooooon!!

Finally over the flu, though I still have a little cough. That flu really kicked my ass.  I also gave it to Nick, which I'm sure he appreciated immensely, (note the sarcasm).  Anyway, I'm feeling better and I am very grateful to have had it before we are going up to Minneapolis as being in the car for extended periods of time while sick is no fun.

On that note...

ONLY 8 DAYS UNTIL WE VISIT HEATHER AND RYAN! YAAAAYYYYY!!!

I'm really very excited to see my sister. It's also Nick's birthday so that is an extra plus.

Heather and I haven't had enough time to just hang out the last few years.  It started to feel like every time we planned to get together turned into a tragic event. There was the time she was supposed to come down to Winona and dad went into the hospital, then the other time when we were supposed to go to the dells and grandma was in the hospital and ended up passing.  We still made it (and dad even came up to see us) so it wasn't all bad, glad to have those memories after his passing, yet it doesn't make it easier.

The last time I saw Heather in the flesh was when they visited for our birthdays, which was super duper fun, and now we'll have another long vacation with plenty of fun activities planned! Nick has never seen Minneapolis so that will be an entirely new experience of its own. I just can't wait!

We are even going to stay in a hotel for a night with a pool and hot tub, AHHHHHH!!!


Soon my sister, soon!

Now hopefully I will make lots of monies before we go. Still stressed about some stuff, some I can change, some that I can't, but I am so looking forward to this trip that I have officially put worries and stress on the back burner (cross my heart nothing happens between now and then). YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!

Love List

Random Things I Love

1. Lists
2. Libraries
3. Blankets
4. Chocolate
5. Music
6. Running
7. Dancing
8. Deep blue
9. Bodies of water
10. Books
11. Juicy glide-y pens
12. Horses
13. Unicorns
14. Magical anything
15. Sisters
16. Girls in red coats
17. Good coffee
18. Good beer
19. Going out to eat
20. Narwhals (unicorns of the sea)

Love YOU on Valentines Day

I have been single on Valentines Day, and I have been in a relationship. I've gotten gifts and flowers, and I've given them. Regardless of whether you are single or committed there is a significant person that deserves to be loved. YOU!

Growing up I didn't really 'date' much. I went on dates, and I 'fell in love' or more accurately 'crushed' easily. I didn't usually have a boyfriend, but I still enjoyed Valentines Day. I liked getting my friends flowers, and my dad always brought home flowers or treats for all us girls in the house.

Sometimes I still 'hated' Valentines Day since it seemed like a day to point out that you are alone. I struggle with being alone and being lonely even though I actually very much enjoy my own company. I don't mind doing most things on my own. That being said, it can feel a bit weird when I spend great amounts of time in my own head. Worse though is how much I struggle sometimes feeling alone when I'm actually with other people. When I'm actually alone it feels natural. It's harder when you're with a significant other or with a group of friends and start to feel lonely or apart from everyone.

Anyways, the point of this isn't so much to muse about loneliness. What I'm really thinking about is how difficult it can be to make sure you're giving yourself enough love.

I consider myself to be fairly confident. I believe I love myself, and yet I am also very often my own worst critic, and there are times where I am quite cruel to myself, and hateful. I think that's the case for many people. It's especially hard sometimes when it comes to depression, anxiety, or even grief. Sometimes I feel very angry at myself for not feeling more energetic or happier or more content.

After my mom's suicide I couldn't help but think, why wasn't I enough? I know that my mom loved me. I know she was proud of me. I know she cared about me. But... Why? Why did she take her own life? Then I get angry at myself and think I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her, how special she was, and how much I needed her.

I am struggling with that sometimes with my dad's death now too. What if? What if I had figured out a way to help him more with keeping the house from being foreclosed on or if I had come home more after my mom died. What if he hadn't started drinking again? Would he still have tripped that night and fallen and hit his head? Could I have prevented it?


That's where I have to make myself stop because you can't go back and change the past. There's no way of knowing the end to 'what ifs' so it's better to think about 'what now.' It's a terrible circle of thinking to get stuck in because in the end it's just not fruitful.

I suppose that's why acceptance is such a difficult part of the grieving process. It's hard to accept things for how they happened, and it's hard to accept our own power or lack thereof in any circumstance.

Which brings me back to self love and how it's important to remember that ultimately our own self reliance is what gives us true power to love ourselves and love other people. If you give all that power away and only let your self worth be dictated by other people then you are doomed to doubt yourself and others. In truth we may never be able to fully or truly know every thought another person has, but when you can rely on yourself then you don't have to worry as much about it. You always have YOU.

YOU have the power to show yourself love, to stay in a relationship or leave a relationship, to buy yourself flowers, or chocolate, or go to the movies. YOU can read a favorite book or take a nap or order in your favorite food or cook your favorite meal.

It's lovely to be in love and to enjoy things with another person. It's lovely to spend time with friends. It's also lovely when you learn to develop a 'relationship' with yourself. Trust yourself, get to know yourself. What do you actually want/need/like/dislike? Be kind to yourself. Listen to yourself.

It's not selfish to treat yourself well. It sets you free to give love unconditionally because you don't 'need' another person. Of course it's easier said than done, but it's worth working on. It also makes it easier for the other person.

Many times, and this still happens, I'll find myself 'picking a fight' with my boyfriend only to realize I have no idea what I'm actually upset about. Often in the end it seems to have more to do with me not knowing what I actually want or need. How can we ask other people to give us something when we don't even know what that something might be? The more I learn to depend on myself, the more I'm also able to let other people know the best way to give me what I need.

Meh. Trudging Onward...

Two weeks ago was dad's one year 'deathiversary.' I felt o.k. leading up to it I guess. Then the week of I was pretty irritable. Now it's almost two weeks later, and I feel worse instead of better.
I'd rather admit that then pretend though I suppose. It gets tiring to pretend. It's not that people in my life aren't aware that my parents are dead. I have friends who care about me, and a wonderful boyfriend, and of course my little sister. People want me to be happy and healthy and move on.

All last year I kept thinking that if I just gave myself time then that would help in the long run. I do still think that it did. It's just I forgot that the one year mark actually doesn't make it feel magically better. Maybe that's why I've felt low this last week. Not constantly low, but just...

I'm so tired. I suppose my last post touched on that as I was discussing wanting to go to sleep for a hundred years.

I feel like my sister and I have not had a chance to breathe. Suicide, house foreclosure, grandma's death, dad's death. That's just been in the last 5 years...the actual 'big' events. My depression started long before that without 'reason.' I know there are factors that increase your risk, and maybe being around my mom's depression influenced me. I don't know.

Anyways in truth it has just been incredibly hard since the holidays. Maybe it would be different if it was a choice not to go home. I mean I missed holidays in college, not many, but some. It's just that there were also times where I got homesick and I could just drive home. I'd surprise my parents and they'd be so glad to see me. I could always tell my mom if things were really 'bad' for me mentally and know that she truly understood. After she was gone I still had my dad. I suppose it is still hard after a year or two. It wasn't until a year and a half after my mom died that my dad and I had a real cry together. We got drunk and ended up on Gloria's couch (she later become his fiancee). Up until then I was just trying to be strong I guess. So was he.

I did video chat with my sister over the weekend and that did help. I know I still have her. I know I still have people who care about me.

Still though, sometimes I just long so much for a hug from my mom. Now I miss hugs from my dad too. So it's just hard. 

I read my mom's journals and it makes me sad to know how much pain she was in, but it also makes me want to be strong. Some people believe that someone who 'commits' suicide is weak. They think that person is selfish and just 'gave up.' I even felt like that sometimes after my mom died when I was angry at her for leaving me behind, but do we think that if someone dies from cancer or some other terminal disease? Mental illnesses are diseases that people battle.

On November 14th, 2004 she wrote, "(Dear diary) Saw Candice yesterday and she saw I was in a crisis state of depression. She offered hope and I'm trying to cling to the fact that this can be fixed. Even though I don't see how it can be fixed. I know my medications are not working at all. I feel like I'm enveloped in this shroud of despair and pain. It's like sometimes I can keep it at bay & other times it just chokes me. I feel like I'm drowning & my head comes above water just enough that I get some air but then I"m pulled back under and i have to fight and search to find a way to the surface. The only thing is I'm exhausted..." 

The entry goes on, but mostly I just thought that was a good way of explaining what depression can feel like at times.

The point is that someone who takes their own life is not selfish. I believe when my mom ended her life she really was just that desperate to end the pain. I mean that entry was from 2004, and she made it another 5 years, and reading through her journals it wasn't as if she got some magic medicine or treatment that fixed her for those 5 years. She had to push forward every day.

Just a few weeks until I see my sister!!!!

sister time

Sometimes all you need is a chat with your sister, always helps to see her face at the same time (even if there is alien interference). Less than a month and I'll see her in the flesh, can't wait!!

Sickly!

Woke up today with a fever of 101.1, oh the joys of being sick.  At least it has gone down now and I should at least be decent enough to work tomorrow, should be a short shift anyway (as long as my nose and throat can handle it). That's the tricky part about being in the restaurant business. You can't really call in, you should because you don't want to get people sick, but there also needs to be enough servers to handle the amount of guests that arrive on any particular day so what can you do? Guess I'll wash my hands verrrry often!  At any rate, I hope I'm not too contagious and the time passes quickly, then I'll have at least another full day of recovery before I need to be back.

While I was sick today I missed my mom and dad. I missed the way they used to take care of me, the way my mom used to notice my cough before I did. Parents are people who really know you and notice you, the way only family can.  There's something special about being babied when you aren't feeling well, as if it is one of the only times it is acceptable to be unacceptable. I don't care how my hair looks, if I'm wearing make-up, or if I sniffle only because I don't feel like getting up for a 100th time to blow my nose.  It isn't the same without them, but that doesn't mean I don't still have my moments of being babied. I have my sister, I have Nick, and I have myself.

Nick got out of bed a little early this morning to make sure he could run to the store and get me medicine before he went to work, which helped immensely as I felt like I was on the verge of death when I got out of bed.  I took the medicine immediately and fell asleep for a few hours (with Athena on my chest of course) and by the time I woke up I was able to breath again, yay me!

I spent the rest of the day babying myself.  I got some old fashioned chicken and stars soup, and watched Pocahontas.  When we were younger and my sister and I didn't feel good we would watch movies. We watched a lot of movies in general but would usually get bored pretty quickly. This is where my organization skills began (though they aren't nearly as developed as Heather's).

We used to go through all of the movies we owned and we would each pick out the ones we wanted to watch.  Then we would usually pick out the ones each of us wanted to watch first, starting with ones we both really wanted to watch.  Then we would take one of my dads cowboy hats, write down the names of all the movies on little slips of paper, and pick them out of the hat. Sometimes we had as many as nine or ten movies to watch, as if we could watch all of the movies in one day.  We would eventually get bored halfway through the first or second movie and move onto another activity and I wouldn't be surprised if we spent more time picking out the movies than we did watching them.

Still makes me feel good watching what some may consider 'childish' movies... I believe that a lot of the lessons are just as significant in adult life as they were in childhood.  It made me feel better anyway, perhaps Sunday I'll have a Harry Potter marathon or something, we'll see.

Anyway, not a long post today, but at least it's something. Gotta kick this bug before our trip to Tinysota! (Minnesota, hahahaha I crack myself up).

This also cracks me up. He truly is hilarious....yet philosophical. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, maybe I'll have to write more to let you know! For now it is off to drink some tea!

Book Lover Reminiscing / Eternal Sleep

I have been feeling grumbly about the sub zero temperatures here in the Midwest. 

I wish I had a cabin up north. Specifically equipped with a library, a fireplace, and a big picture window for watching snow fall. I am learning to appreciate winter these days. I just know I'd appreciate this season even more if I could migrate to that dream cabin for the duration of February. Maybe in another five years it will be possible since writing can be done remotely.

That's a lovely thought. Me, hot coffee, pen, paper, and a mountain of good books next to me.

I have enjoyed reading since I can remember. I can thank my mom for that because she took my sister and I to the local public library quite often.

Two books that stand out in my memory are The Girl Who Loved Wild Horses by Paul Goble and Wacky Wednesday by Dr. Seuss. I loved the first, and my sister the second. It never failed that either of us would run to see if those books were available to check out. They were our favorites before we even learned to read properly, and if you are familiar with them you know that the illustrations were reason enough to love them.

The first chapter book I read was Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, a Great Illustrated Classic. I remember it being the first book that I was able to read and actually put my own vision to the words.  

One of my best friends in high school loved The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton which is why I ended up reading it. It was also how I fell in love with the poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" By Robert Frost (Poets.org).

One of my favorite English teachers in High School was Mr. Ridout. On the first day of one of the classes I had with him he wrote several questions on the board, and one was whether or not you could quote a couple of lines from a Robert Frost poem. I had memorized "Nothing Gold Can Stay" so I was one of the few who could answer any of them. I suppose I knew then that there was something wrong with me. I the kind of kid who actually enjoyed assigned reading and memorized poetry...for fun.

 I have more thoughts on that for another post, but I digress...

 During that year we read more Robert Frost, including this poem:

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost : Poetry Foundation

One of the many great things about Robert Frost is that his poems have a lovely cadence and paint a lovely picture. They also can have a deeper meaning for you, but it's no so deep that you get a headache trying to figure it out.

For me, the last lines of the poem in particular come to mind anytime I'm feeling the winter blues.

This year I am feeling the February blues a bit. I'm sleeping deeply which is nice, but the days are still feeling short even if they are getting longer. It's been one of the coldest winters in years. Then again, I can't remember much of February last year. I suppose it's because of the grief effect. The first month after a significant person dies it's like your body reacts with a 'safe mode' where everything is a little numb, and you're operating, but not fully there.

Anyways. When I think 'I have miles to go before I sleep' I think maybe that's how my mom felt. Battling depression for so long, and just wishing she could give in and go to sleep. Sometimes I feel that way too. It's miraculous really, that people are able to keep moving. Life can be so hard. Every living thing has to struggle just to survive. We think humanity is past that, but since we have secondary consciousness it's not necessarily enough just to have our basic needs met. We want more. 

Of course that longing for 'eternal sleep' is also found in Shakespeare's Hamlet. 

If you prefer music, then a good song to go with the theme is 'Asleep' by the Smiths from Louder Than Bombs.

It may seem like if you're feeling low that reading pieces with undertones about 'eternal sleep' might be counter intuitive. It's not that I equate 'eternal sleep' with 'suicide' exactly either. It's more about how living can be so tiring and draining. We don't always 'recharge' our batteries enough. I know when I don't then sometimes I think maybe sleeping beauty had the right idea. Just 100 year nap and then I'll be good to go again.

For now, I am just trying to keep my energy up by exercising regularly, eating healthy-ish, let myself sleep as much as I need, and indulge in plenty of reading.