Two weeks ago was dad's one year 'deathiversary.' I felt o.k. leading up to it I guess. Then the week of I was pretty irritable. Now it's almost two weeks later, and I feel worse instead of better.
I'd rather admit that then pretend though I suppose. It gets tiring to pretend. It's not that people in my life aren't aware that my parents are dead. I have friends who care about me, and a wonderful boyfriend, and of course my little sister. People want me to be happy and healthy and move on.
All last year I kept thinking that if I just gave myself time then that would help in the long run. I do still think that it did. It's just I forgot that the one year mark actually doesn't make it feel magically better. Maybe that's why I've felt low this last week. Not constantly low, but just...
I'm so tired. I suppose my last post touched on that as I was discussing wanting to go to sleep for a hundred years.
I feel like my sister and I have not had a chance to breathe. Suicide, house foreclosure, grandma's death, dad's death. That's just been in the last 5 years...the actual 'big' events. My depression started long before that without 'reason.' I know there are factors that increase your risk, and maybe being around my mom's depression influenced me. I don't know.
Anyways in truth it has just been incredibly hard since the holidays. Maybe it would be different if it was a choice not to go home. I mean I missed holidays in college, not many, but some. It's just that there were also times where I got homesick and I could just drive home. I'd surprise my parents and they'd be so glad to see me. I could always tell my mom if things were really 'bad' for me mentally and know that she truly understood. After she was gone I still had my dad. I suppose it is still hard after a year or two. It wasn't until a year and a half after my mom died that my dad and I had a real cry together. We got drunk and ended up on Gloria's couch (she later become his fiancee). Up until then I was just trying to be strong I guess. So was he.
I did video chat with my sister over the weekend and that did help. I know I still have her. I know I still have people who care about me.
Still though, sometimes I just long so much for a hug from my mom. Now I miss hugs from my dad too. So it's just hard.
I read my mom's journals and it makes me sad to know how much pain she was in, but it also makes me want to be strong. Some people believe that someone who 'commits' suicide is weak. They think that person is selfish and just 'gave up.' I even felt like that sometimes after my mom died when I was angry at her for leaving me behind, but do we think that if someone dies from cancer or some other terminal disease? Mental illnesses are diseases that people battle.
On November 14th, 2004 she wrote, "(Dear diary) Saw Candice yesterday and she saw I was in a crisis state of depression. She offered hope and I'm trying to cling to the fact that this can be fixed. Even though I don't see how it can be fixed. I know my medications are not working at all. I feel like I'm enveloped in this shroud of despair and pain. It's like sometimes I can keep it at bay & other times it just chokes me. I feel like I'm drowning & my head comes above water just enough that I get some air but then I"m pulled back under and i have to fight and search to find a way to the surface. The only thing is I'm exhausted..."
The entry goes on, but mostly I just thought that was a good way of explaining what depression can feel like at times.
The point is that someone who takes their own life is not selfish. I believe when my mom ended her life she really was just that desperate to end the pain. I mean that entry was from 2004, and she made it another 5 years, and reading through her journals it wasn't as if she got some magic medicine or treatment that fixed her for those 5 years. She had to push forward every day.
Just a few weeks until I see my sister!!!!
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