This winter was a long one here in Minnesota. I am hoping now that we are through the worst of it. After so many days of temperatures below zero even 30 degrees feels like a nice day. Everyone seems to be in better spirits. People at work, people at the bus stop, and cashiers everywhere are all a bit chattier. And they smile.
It was a hurdle to get through February, but I had Holly's visit to keep me looking forward. After her visit I was feeling a bit down and lost again throughout March. It has felt like winter has had a hard time letting go. I have also been having a hard time fully letting go.
Even knowing that it's important to move forward it is still just plain hard. I know my parents are dead. I know things are going to have to be different now. It just doesn't make it any easier to get your mind/body/soul on board with really forging a new life. I suppose that's human fickleness for you. For so long I longed to be free, and wanted to move away, and start my own life. Then I did, and now a big part of me longs for life before all this 'freedom.'
It was really good to spend a week with my sister and her boyfriend. We got to do a lot of fun things, and it felt especially good because we have now had two visits together that weren't due to someone being in the hospital or dying, and while we are both still grieving we are also doing o.k.
It's wonderful to have a sister. It's hard trying to figure out my place in the world, and our place in the world now that we are so far apart. It does make me sad sometimes because I wish we could spend more than just a few visits together here and there. It's only a physical distance though. I still feel closer than ever to my sister. Deep down we both know that moving forward we do have control over how we shape our future family life.
Losing both parents can make it very difficult when it comes to traditions or rather the loss of all of our traditions. After talking with Holly about how that feels kind of sad we both agree that we are going to try to make the best of it. We will make new traditions. Maybe we aren't living near each other, but then that will give us an excuse to travel. We can make it an adventure!
Life is moving along. I've been training for my first half marathon, and that is going pretty well. It will be even better now that I can run outside. I'm officially done with the dreaded treadmill. I ran a 5k recently. Exercise is definitely one of the best remedies for keeping my moods in check.
There's something very free feeling about running. On the last especially nice day I ran outside to Minnehaha Creek and around Lake Harriet, and it was so beautiful outside. Running makes me feel so very alive, and the 'runner's high' is such a wonderful feeling. When I hit my stride after a few miles, and then get into that perfect rhythm it feels like I'm flying.
When I joined the gym last year after dad died sometimes it felt like I was exercising and running away from the pain or toward the pain. Like I wanted to match the pain of grief with physical pain. Now it feels like running is helping me run towards a new future. Training is making me feel strong so rather than thinking about pain I am thinking about strength. Maybe I really am as strong as everyone has wanted me to be. Maybe I am able to get through all this grief and hardship and come out a person who can help others.
I feel hopeful, and I hope it lasts!
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