It is very cold here in Minneapolis today. Even the University of Minnesota is closed! It's hard to believe that the first month of the year is nearly over. I am getting more and more practiced at living in the present though. I haven't been feeling as 'freaked out' about my 5 or 10 year plan. I thought I'd be more nervous since I'm getting closer to 30, but I like being 27. I know what I want, and life seems open ended again...in a good way.
In a way it's funny because there's still somewhat of a stigma about women turning 30 or about getting older in general. I suppose because unmarried women past 30 at one time were seen as 'old maids.' Thankfully many of the 'rules' seem to have changed, and I hope they continue to do so. More importantly I hope women continue to see age and wisdom as empowerment. Ten years ago I was 17, and I enjoyed being 17, but today I feel like I am truly 'coming into my own.'
It's as if all the past versions of me are finally finding a way to merge and coexist.
It makes me think of the idea of 'country' mouse vs. 'city' mouse. I grew up in a small town, but moved to a city. For awhile it seemed like I was definitely more of a 'city' person. All through high school I had the stereotypical "gotta get outta this town" attitude.
Now I realize that I am part of both, or both are part of me.
Ultimately maybe it comes down to acceptance. I am who I am.
It's a seemingly simple concept that can actually be very complex in practice.
I used to be very hard on myself about every little mistake or conceived mistake. Now it is a bit easier for me to realize that all those stumbles led me to where I am today. Of course since I'm in a good place today it is easy to feel that way.
Why am I in a good place when life is still hard?
It will be a year this week since my dad died. It's not like I haven't been grieving or dealing with it. I guess overall I just know myself more and more each day. Knowledge and experience does make a difference. I've read a lot of great books that have helped me gain perspective, and there are some things you can only learn through experience. I'm just taking it a day at a time.
I'm accepting the bad with the good. I get to see my sister soon, and she just got a new job! I'm still loving my job, and writing regularly. I've been exercising regularly, and will be starting a more serious training schedule soon so that I can get fit for running a half marathon. I'm already registered, and it will be my first one! My boyfriend is in his last semester of school, and that is something we have been working on since we first started dating.
I hope to write more blog posts on how I am coping and managing and how it is possible to live with depression and grieve and handle difficult times and still have hope and find happiness.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Best of 2013
I have been working for what feels like forever trying to find the words to express 2013, but ultimately all I can think of to do is make a list. I was grieving throughout the year, but I still feel like it was a good year overall. I spent time with my boyfriend, friends, and stayed in touch with my little sister. Best memories/events/favorites of 2013 in no particular order:
...ran the Run or Dye 5k in St. Paul
...biked around NE Minneapolis on the Traveling Tap
...celebrated the weddings of several dear friends
...visited my sister and her boyfriend in Kentucky
...vacationed with my boyfriend's family at Half Moon Trail resort
...spent time in Wisconsin with my dad's fiancee and his wonderful friends at the Honey Lake Inn
...spent lots of time at my favorite libraries
...joined LA Fitness and started going to Zumba classes
...ran around Minnehaha Creek and Lake Harriet
...saw my first St. Paul Saints game with a group of friends in the 'Taco Bell Box'
...celebrated my 27th 'Golden' Birthday
...fell in love with a boy band (1D)
...wrote 125 pages in my 2013 journal (and realized I've been keeping a journal for over 10 years)
...developed a more serious writing practice
...saw The Postal Service live
...discovered some truly wonderful Youtube bloggers like Zoella and SprinkleofGlitter
...'quit' my job / started working part time as an independent contractor
...discovered new favorite restaurants: George and the Dragon & Sea Salt Eatery
...read...A LOT...
There were many more good memories, but the point is that yes, my dad died. I felt sad and disconnected and lonely throughout the year, but I also felt loved and supported. I learned how to rely on myself, and going into 2014 I feel healthy both mentally and physically.
...ran the Run or Dye 5k in St. Paul
...biked around NE Minneapolis on the Traveling Tap
...celebrated the weddings of several dear friends
...visited my sister and her boyfriend in Kentucky
...vacationed with my boyfriend's family at Half Moon Trail resort
...spent time in Wisconsin with my dad's fiancee and his wonderful friends at the Honey Lake Inn
...spent lots of time at my favorite libraries
...joined LA Fitness and started going to Zumba classes
...ran around Minnehaha Creek and Lake Harriet
...saw my first St. Paul Saints game with a group of friends in the 'Taco Bell Box'
...celebrated my 27th 'Golden' Birthday
...fell in love with a boy band (1D)
...wrote 125 pages in my 2013 journal (and realized I've been keeping a journal for over 10 years)
...developed a more serious writing practice
...saw The Postal Service live
...discovered some truly wonderful Youtube bloggers like Zoella and SprinkleofGlitter
...'quit' my job / started working part time as an independent contractor
...discovered new favorite restaurants: George and the Dragon & Sea Salt Eatery
...read...A LOT...
There were many more good memories, but the point is that yes, my dad died. I felt sad and disconnected and lonely throughout the year, but I also felt loved and supported. I learned how to rely on myself, and going into 2014 I feel healthy both mentally and physically.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Happy New Year!
I would be grossly underestimating if I were to say the last year hasn't been emotionally chaotic. It's been tough, really tough. It has been overwhelmingly sad. It has been yet another painstakingly slow journey down another path full of roadblocks and unexpected detours, but it has also been good.
My chest is heavy sometimes, I suppose because your heart and brain can only handle so much before they need some time to recuperate, in this case we call it grief. We grieve for those we love and lose and though that doesn't stop us from staying up all night making empty wishes, it does give a form of explanation and comfort where there is so little.
I used to wish so strongly it would cause my heart to beat with enough force to push out the tears. In the beginning they come out noisily, accompanied with violent bursts of air my lungs couldn't hold in any longer. After my body was tired and worn they would come out silently, sneaking through closed eyelids. Maybe the worst part of all is the end, when you have cried so much the tears become invisible like a sticky film of grief brushed over the entire body. The last few years has been nonstop, as soon as Heather and I free ourselves from one grief there is another incident waiting to deliver another devastating blow to our dwindling family numbers. It is physically and mentally taxing.
I am still searching for the pieces of me grief has hidden, still trying to put myself back together. It is a process, like trying to put together the remnants of a stained glass window, some of the fragments dissolving into particles of glass. The fact is, you can't make the same window again. It is broken beyond repair. I don't have a desire to fix my shattered glass of life because I would rather pick up all of the significant pieces and rebuild a structure more beautiful than the first.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I could cry tears of joy in the comfort that through all of the grief and suffering my sister and I have endured and through the waged wars we have encountered in sorrow and pain our struggle has been worthwhile. Here, at the end of all we've been through, we have managed to salvage our light and it is the most exquisite radiance I have ever known.
My chest is heavy sometimes, I suppose because your heart and brain can only handle so much before they need some time to recuperate, in this case we call it grief. We grieve for those we love and lose and though that doesn't stop us from staying up all night making empty wishes, it does give a form of explanation and comfort where there is so little.
I used to wish so strongly it would cause my heart to beat with enough force to push out the tears. In the beginning they come out noisily, accompanied with violent bursts of air my lungs couldn't hold in any longer. After my body was tired and worn they would come out silently, sneaking through closed eyelids. Maybe the worst part of all is the end, when you have cried so much the tears become invisible like a sticky film of grief brushed over the entire body. The last few years has been nonstop, as soon as Heather and I free ourselves from one grief there is another incident waiting to deliver another devastating blow to our dwindling family numbers. It is physically and mentally taxing.
I am still searching for the pieces of me grief has hidden, still trying to put myself back together. It is a process, like trying to put together the remnants of a stained glass window, some of the fragments dissolving into particles of glass. The fact is, you can't make the same window again. It is broken beyond repair. I don't have a desire to fix my shattered glass of life because I would rather pick up all of the significant pieces and rebuild a structure more beautiful than the first.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I could cry tears of joy in the comfort that through all of the grief and suffering my sister and I have endured and through the waged wars we have encountered in sorrow and pain our struggle has been worthwhile. Here, at the end of all we've been through, we have managed to salvage our light and it is the most exquisite radiance I have ever known.
Although this post is later than I had originally anticipated I must thank my sister, Ryan, and Nick for making it happen. Our birthday celebration visit was incredibly amazing, and I still may try to recreate it on here one of these days. It has been hard to write, hard to weed out emotions and sort through everything in my brain. It was on Ryan's birthday that I realized size makes no difference in a family. Even through the hardships, hormones, and heartache, Heather and I have had support. We have cried together and we have sought and received comfort from others and this is what fuels us to pursue our goals and achieve our dreams. I am just lucky enough to be achieving them alongside my sister. We are unstoppable.
And together we shall conquer the new year, we're ready for you 2014!
P.S. We WILL write more this year. We have a plan.
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