Golden Birthday & Goals

I am 27 years old now.

We measure time in a steady rhythm, but it feels like the older I get the more it speeds up. Each year moves ahead more rapidly than the last. At least that's what my perception of time has been over my lifetime thus far.

I had a very nice birthday. I celebrated with my friends, and I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Sometimes I get very sad about the state of humanity. Seeing all the pain people cause each other on both small and grand scales, I think, "Is this it?" After all our years of evolution and development as a self-aware species, this is where we are? There are people still struggling for basic necessities and people still dying of diseases even if we already have a cure. Still destroying, still hating, and often still petty.

The people I love are what redeems the world for me. Each one extra ordinary, but also extraordinary.

In just two short days I will see my sister again. I am so excited. Words can't express the joy of knowing I get to see my sister so soon. My boyfriend and I will be visiting her in Kentucky, and we will get to see and experience where she lives. I am also excited to be able to celebrate her birthday with her, and mine too. It's pretty cool that our birthdays are only a week apart.

September is over. I did not accomplish my zealous goals, but it was a good effort and learning experience.

I wrote for 56 hours in September. Not quite the 20 a week average I was going for, but considering only 6 months ago my writing was sporadic at best, this still feels like an accomplishment. Each day and week I am developing my writing habits and practice and getting to know what works best for me. I do feel that my writing time is becoming more productive. There are still times where I sit down to write and can't seem to get the words flowing, but it is happening less.

I ran a cumulative 15 miles. It's only half of the amount I was hoping to reach by the end of the first month. I pulled a muscle the very first week in September, so I had to take a week off of running completely. I am proud that I didn't just give up right away. It also reminded me how important it is to take care of myself by properly warming up and stretching before exercising. I am back up to where I can run a solid three miles at least, and each time I run a timed mile I am shaving 5 to 10 seconds off the time. I still have three more months to run a total of 100 miles before 2014.

I went to LA Fitness 10 times. I was only 2 away from my goal of 12. I don't think it qualifies me for my insurance reimbursement, but I still feel good about it. This last week of the month I went to the gym 5 days in a row because I was mad at myself for skipping so much early on in the month.

Overall, it was just nice to have goals to work towards. It helps keep my priorities in focus, and it keeps me growing as a person. In some ways it's also good to practice failing. I can be very hard on myself, but these three goals are specifically for me, and whether or not I achieve them really only affects me. Of course they are important to me, but they are a reminder that goals are often as much about the process and journey of trying to achieve them. The experience is what helps you grow rather than the end itself.

That's a good lesson for a Type A 'cross it off your to do list' personality like me. It is helping me to find balance between my creative side and my task master side.

I am 27, and this year is going to be special. I was determined to have a better year in 2013, and as it is winding down into winter, I feel it has been. Oddly. Even though dad died. I guess because life is unfair, but it's all relative to our perspectives. If I were looking at my life from the outside, from someone else's view, I would say that there are some parts that seem sad, or unfortunate. Yet, there are also many things in my life that are lucky and quite fortunate.

Being in the present is so important. There's no use in dwelling on the past because it can't be changed, but you also can't anticipate the future, because much of what happens to us is not within our immediate control. Shaping the future is a slow process because it requires shaping our own character. Wonderful things could happen to me or more tragic things, but how I react and handle them is what will define the life I live.

Happy Birthday, Heather! Whoo hoo!!!!!! I love you :)

Heather- Happy birthday to the most inspirational and encouraging woman in my life. I am so proud of you!

Do you remember playing restaurant when we were little? I was probably five- you always wanted to be the hostess and I always wanted to be the waitress (which has probably helped me considering that has been my profession for quite some time now).  We used to stress ourselves out, at such a young age, because the “restaurant” in the basement was always ridiculously slammed. We had no tangible customers yet we helped each other.... taking drink orders when I couldn’t get to a table by the fireplace, helping me deliver food, and answering the constantly ringing telephone to take reservations (as well as the many people who were waiting in line to be seated already). 

We ran a very busy and successful establishment (with no real customers).

This is how we had fun…how much pretend stress can we endure?

“Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.”
― Barbara Alpert

My sister and I have been all of these things for each other, especially the shrink part. Although we are past the wishing we were only children stage there were plenty of moments that wish crossed our minds when we were growing up.

My sister is my mirror, shining back at me with a world of possibilities, but she is more than that…She and I make possibilities.  I don’t have to wait for opportunities to come knocking at my door, I open the door and venture out to greet them. While I can do this on my own, it is always more fun with my sister.  Everything is more fun with my sister.

“We hug, but there are no tears. For every awful thing that's been said and done, she is my sister. Parents die, daughters grow up and marry out, but sisters are for life. She is the only person left in the world who shares my memories of our childhood, our parents, our Shanghai, our struggles, our sorrows, and, yes, even our moments of happiness and triumph. My sister is the one person who truly knows me, as I know her. The last thing May says to me is 'When our hair is white, we'll still have our sister love.”
― Lisa See, Shanghai Girls

“The anguish I always feel when she's in pain wells up in my chest and threatens to register on my face.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

I’m excited for your birthday, I am happy for your birthday, a little sad for your birthday (since our family members have dwindled), but most of all I am thankful for your birthday, because it is the start of your existence, one of which I would be completely lost without.

This is a time for celebration, but we are still sad, sometimes sad sisters.  You can’t stop grief, you can’t make it disappear, and you certainly can’t put it on hold. You CAN look at it from different perspectives and positions in your life, and that’s how I feel about the following two:

Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.

(MU Article, 2010)”
― Shannon L. Alder

“You can not die of grief, though it feels as if you can. A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor. How dare I feel happy. How dare I be glad in a world where my father is no more. And then you cry fresh tears, because you do not miss him as much as you once did, and giving up your grief is another kind of death.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton

I don’t think that it is necessarily missing them less, it’s just allowing yourself to grieve less….to go on with your life, to allow yourself the opportunity to be truly happy. My sister and I will find this opportunity together as well…with help along the way from Ryan, Nick, family, and friends.  We will get there and learn along the way.

Also, yesterday was mom and dad’s anniversary. I was sad, but also I had this thought.

Until death did they part and in death they are reunited. I would say I think they had a nice party but I know it would have been a completely crazy party instead.  Probably full of beer, laughter, storytelling, and love, the way parties are supposed to be. 

I love you, Heather! I hope that this year offers fewer obstacles.  I don’t necessarily need more of anything; less obstacles and devastation would be greatly appreciated though, eh?

Perhaps we could start planning our trip to Disneyworld? Who knows!

So many exciting options, can’t wait to get started :)

Lastly,

I GET TO SEE YOU IN LESS THAN A WEEK. ERMAGERD I CAN’T WAIT. I AM SO EXCITED!!! EEEEEEEEEEP!

"Insist on yourself; never imitate." Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

I am feeling good this morning. The weekend was nice. I am loving the fall weather! The in between seasons are my favorite. I am also getting used to waking up early again which is wonderful, especially when it means I get to start the day with writing or planning or something for me. These days since I  enjoy my job so much and have direction for my life path I actually feel like I get to feel that way most mornings.

My life is feeling more connected again.

It is still challenging to set your own path to follow. In fact, in many ways it is more challenging. When I was allowing myself to feel trapped at work I was also allowing myself to blame outside forces for a lot of the issues that stressed me out, and the driving force behind feeling trapped was good old fashioned FEAR.

We expect to feel fear when we lose a loved one or when something traumatic happens. In those instances though the fear is so great that our adrenaline kicks in and honestly you react and handle it without having to give it much thought.

Dangerous fear is the anxiety that attacks slowly over a long period of time. It's the fear that clings to you after a traumatic incident has passed. It's the fear that sits in the back of your mind, and it can be quite confusing after awhile trying to decipher if your fears are founded or not. Often the fear and anxiety is not equal to the 'danger.'

The key for me is that I am learning how to be more proactive. Rather than just wait for problems to 'get me' I try to face them head on or prepare for potential problems before they occur.

It requires faith in yourself, which is not always easy. I struggle with self doubt and worrying that I am not good enough or smart enough or talented enough to make it in the world, but I think most people have those doubts from time to time.

Now that I am technically self-employed it is up to me and me alone to stay motivated and focused. Whether at my current position as an executive assistant, or as I am working on writing projects in the hopes of becoming a published (and paid!) writer. So it's a challenge to make sure that I am setting goals and achieving them. Setting a path and actually following it.

It's a much more rewarding challenge though, and it also makes me feel less cranky with the world. I guess because I know that ultimately if I have control over my life then I also only have myself to blame if I don't stay on track. It also gives me the freedom to jump tracks though if they don't work anymore.

Self-reliance is a great thing.

Look to this day!

"Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life, 
In its brief course 
Lie all the verities and realities of your 
existence:
The bliss of growth, 
The glory of action,
The splendor of beauty,
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow only a vision,
But today well lived makes every yesterday 
a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day!
Such is the salutation of the dawn."
-Kalidasa (Sanskrit)

I am taking real ownership over my life. I do believe that every day has the potential to be a new beginning. There will always be outside forces that influence my decisions, but I am realizing how true the concept is that you are always the one who has the ability to control how you react to what life hands you.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Rooselvelt

There are many variations on that quote, but they all have the same idea. We allow ourselves to be valued by others based on how we value ourselves.

After my mom died, I tried to return to 'normal' so quickly. This year in dealing with the grief of losing my dad, I didn't want to force normal. I didn't want to pretend that life could be the same. I didn't want to pretend that I could be the same.

That has been one of the biggest challenges in losing my parents, but I also think that in many ways accepting your past, present, and future selves all at once is hard at any age, in any circumstance.

At the end of 2012, my boyfriend and I felt like we had been running a marathon on a rocky road. It felt like one family emergency after another had hit us. I ended the year feeling ready to take on 2013 because I just knew it was going to be an amazing year after all we had been through in 2012!

Then, my dad died! Some days it still feels unfathomable.

Somehow, it has still been a great year so far in so many ways. It doesn't make me less sad about my dad being gone. In fact, sometimes it makes me more sad because I just wish that he were here to enjoy the positives of this year.

Such is life though. We don't always get what we want. Death is just part of life. It's not that I feel blase about death. I am just more prepared with the feelings that come along with grief. Not only that, but I am accepting myself more. I am also learning what actually helps me when I start mentally slipping.

Quitting my job was a calculated leap of faith. It worked out in my favor because now I work as an independent contractor for one of the executives, and it has reminded me that I actually don't mind the administrative field. Over the summer it helped me realize that I am not ready to commit to an MFA program, at least not yet. I want to invest in the program for the right reasons at the right time. I was starting to feel like the main reason I wanted to go was so that I could fall back on teaching creative writing. I don't want to start a program as a safety net.

Fear of failure is normal. Everyone experiences it at some point, on some scale. I just don't want to let it dictate my choices. I don't need a program for credibility. I don't need to complete a degree right now so that I can teach.

I had a big 'AHA' moment:

How can I expect other people to take me seriously as a writer, if I refuse to take myself seriously? If I don't believe in myself, then how on earth can I ask other people to believe in me? What's more, how dare I even consider teaching if it is only because I am too afraid to put my own ideas into practice?! Someday I may want to teach, but first I want to experience!

Isn't it funny how sometimes you make a 'difficult' decision and it feels so right afterwards that you wonder how it could have been so difficult?

This fall I have given myself permission to be a writer without going back to school. It's still hard some days. I feel like I'm playing a a game. I'm 'pretending' to be a writer like playing pretend as a child. I log my hours, and I've created a 'writing project management spreadsheet' with goals and deadlines through December. I'm not focusing on money yet, but I do plan to submit a few pieces to literary journals or contests.

This week on Tuesday it was World Suicide Prevention Day and on Wednesday it was Patriot Day - remembering 9/11. Both of these days made me realize how lucky I am to be where I am. Life isn't perfect, but above all else, I have the luxury of dreaming. Funny how time and dreams can seem like luxuries, but I think as a nation we take them for granted sometimes.

On top of that I have a sister, and family, and friends who love and support me and accept me. Friends and family whether 'blood' or not who have been willing to let me be me. People who have been interested in me and who have let me into their lives.

On a last note, I have also given myself two fitness challenges to get me through the fall. I have found that exercising regularly really helps with my depression/anxiety and it has been a huge help in grieving.

1) I am going to run a cumulative 100 miles before the end of the year.

 2) I am going to go to LA Fitness an average of 3 times a week or 12 times a month, which will also be enough to receive the wellness reimbursement through my insurance plan.

Of course last week I pulled a calf muscle and had to stop one of my runs short...BUT I am still going to stick with my goals. I was able to make it to Zumba classes this week, and I am hoping that taking yesterday and today off will be the last bit of rest my leg needs in order to run again.

So the next four months will be good. Better than good. The holidays are coming up, and I know they will be hard this year. That's why I am focusing on what's important to me right now. I want to stay active, but I also want to make sure I continue to take care of myself.

Writing. Health & Fitness. Family & Friends.

Visit my sister. Celebrate our birthdays. Enjoy the holidays. Live simply, but fully.

Home is people.

“Home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see is what is not there any more.”
― Robin Hobb, Fool's Fate

 Today I baked some yummy pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting. They turned out really tasty. Made like 100 cupcakes though, what am I gonna do with 100 cupcakes? Oh well.

Home is people.  I miss my sister and Ryan, not to mention mom and dad, but I will see Heather and Ryan in less than a month and that is a reasonable amount of time to wait!

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”
― Erma Bombeck

I try to think like this when I start something new. I've been trying new crochet patterns and sometimes it's hard to not get angry when I get a stitch wrong or miss a loop.  I end up having to undo as many rows as it takes to fix the problem and then I have to go and do them again. It's crazy.  It doesn't feel so bad to make a mistake trying something new though, no matter how annoying it is. 

“Grief is a curious thing, when it happens unexpectedly. It is a Band-aid being ripped away, taking the top layer off a family. And the underbelly of a household is never pretty, ours no exception.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

I can't imagine a relationship more unique than the relationship between my family members.  My sister and Ryan have been there for me without question every single time I have needed them.  They believe in me and I believe in myself.  Despite all of our problems and circumstances in the past my sister and I will always have an amazing family.   We couldn't be more lucky.  As a sister, what more can you really want? I want to know my sister is safe, happy, and healthy.  While I know this can't always be the case, and we must finishing our grieving process to grow from this experience, we are only going to come out stronger and more motivated. This is our true beauty. 


Also, the kitten is suuuuuuuuuuuuper cute. Yeah, it is kitten time! She's sad because she had a rough day...vet trip....other incidents. She will be her crazy self again in the morning!

"Much Madness is Divinest Sense"

Much Madness is Divinest Sense by Emily Dickinson

Much Madness is divinest sense -
To a discerning Eye -
Much Sense - the starkest Madness -
'Tis the Majority
In this, as all, prevail -
Assent - and you are sane -
Demur - you're straightway dangerous - 

And handled with a Chain - 

Meow meow meow!

This is not going to be a long post, but it will at least be a post. 

The last few weeks have been, yet again, a whirlwind of emotions/events.  I refuse to lie to myself.  I don't like to hurt people, but sometimes it is necessary. The right thing isn't always the easy one. 

I think I know how Chuck feels after he flashes...at least that's what I compare my feelings to sometimes.  My brain is overwhelmed.  Doesn't matter if it's good or bad, it gets overheated. 

Still thinking positive though, growing, changing, learning.

Can't wait to see my sister and Ryan and Gloria next weekend, among lots of friends.  People who knew my dad.  Thinking about him a lot lately.  Some people ask "What would Jesus do?" I ask myself what would my father do? 

He always had all the right answers.  I miss him. 

I miss my sister.  So glad I have a set day to see her and even more glad that it is not even an entire week away. 

I do have some cleaning to do, but I'll be trying to write more later, give explanations!

Onward!

The past couple of weeks I have been having a hard time emotionally. I have been anxious and moody. Up and down.

Many things are going wonderfully in my life. My plan to work part time and do some soul searching and write and enjoy summer and let myself grieve for my dad has been a good thing. On days were I feel terribly anxious I know it would be far worse if I had tried to keep my head above water while working full time in a position that wasn't right for me.

The first few months after a significant loss is in many ways the easiest time, at least in my experience.

It was difficult to see my dad die, of course, but we had problems to solve. You take it one problem at a time. I have heart wrenching memories from the week we spent at the hospital and then planning the funeral. I also have heart warming memories from the people who supported us.

So there are things to be done in the beginning. Arrangements to make, and things to plan and coordinate. Errands to run. People to see.

About 3 to 4 months later, things have calmed down. You have time to breathe. And that's when the real difficulty begins, because the rest of the grief path is not so clearly defined. The world starts moving again. In reality the world never stops moving, but at least you are given some level of understanding from people in the first month or so.

I am more prepared for this path of grief because I have been through grief before. This will not be the same path, but there are patterns, and I know myself better this time around.

Some days it is still difficult because grief comes unexpectedly, even when you have experienced it before. Now that it has been almost 6 months since my dad died, all I can do is take it one day at a time. I have never gone this long without visiting my dad or seeing him. So each day I miss him a little more. That's what is hard now. There isn't anything to do except to heal, and find balance between grieving, and remembering, and keeping him in my heart, and also still moving forward in my life.

I have been battling anxiety lately, too. The anxiety that more bad things might happen. My boyfriend had been having symptoms that correlated with his vasculitis, and he had to go to the ER because a nurse was concerned. Luckily it turned out that it was just a severe sinus infection, but all the same I could feel my body go into survival mode until I knew he was going to be o.k.

I haven't seen my sister since the funeral, and I miss her greatly, and I know that has been part of the difficulty and sadness I have been feeling lately, too. But, we now have plans to see each other in less than a month, and visit Wisconsin, and see my dad's fiance, and hopefully many of his friends.

So that warms my heart. I also have a vacation with my boyfriend's family to look forward to in only a couple of weeks, and more summer plans we want to fit in before summer is over.

Yesterday I got to see two of my good friends get married, and share in the joy of their wedding. It is all these little/big joys that make it feel worthwhile to go on.

I have learned a lot about myself in the last 10 years, and that's what being in your 20's is really about. This September I will be turning 27. It is incredible to think about the last 10 years, and how 10 years ago I was 17, and still in high school, not even out on my own yet.

It can be difficult to live in the present, not the past, and not in pining for the future. I am learning to live in the present more and more every day. I still plan for the future, but I have also learned that no amount of planning can fully prepare you for everything. I have also learned the opposite, where procrastinating causes you in many ways to be trapped.

When you know a course of action must be taken, you can delay it or improve your decision by gathering information, but in the end sometimes you still have to leap. I am spending a lot of time learning about the publishing industry, and entrepreneurship, and setting up my writing practice. I am enjoying working as an executive assistant more because it is on my terms, and I am happy to be useful because I believe in what I do.

I am still dreaming of travel plans and possibly going back to school and oh so many things.

I know this grief path will be bumpy, and there will be holes and darkness ahead, and times of great sadness, and pain, and there will be times I cannot move forward at all and must rest. I know that life is really the same, but I am going to keep onward.

Chi lar dura la vince – He that endureth overcomes

I have already been through this hole once and I escaped.  I wish it were a part of my distant past but unfortunately this horrific adventure is a part of my recent events.

It is my intangible enemy- time. 

Regardless, I am much more familiar with which routes lead to dead ends and which are paths that must be confronted head-on, although even I have my mishaps. 

            I joke around about becoming a spy or being chosen to be in some top-secret organization…truth is, it’s probably got something to do with my running away obsession.  Take a spy, for example; they finish a job and start a new one somewhere else.  Unfortunately, I am not a spy, and that is not how to get answers to your questions or learn who you are as a person. 

            I must take my path, no matter how many twists and turns, and I will take it to the very end.

 “One thing: you have to walk, and create the way by your walking; you will not find a ready-made path. It is not so cheap, to reach to the ultimate realization of truth. You will have to create the path by walking yourself; the path is not ready-made, lying there and waiting for you. It is just like the sky: the birds fly, but they don't leave any footprints. You cannot follow them; there are no footprints left behind.”
― Osho

“When you want to share something with another person more than anything, it is one of the most difficult things to realize that you can never have it. Accepting this realization is even more difficult. Loving someone does mean saying goodbye to them in some cases, though we will fight that until the oftentimes bitter end before doing the right thing.”
― Ashly Lorenzana

“We may seem fine, even when the pain remains right there beneath our surface.”
― Ashly Lorenzana

“The parts of me that hurt the worst want me to write something for them, but I can't. I don't know what to say. I'm lost in all this sadness, and so are they.”
― Ashly Lorenzana

            The road that I’m on through this path of grief is similar as the last, but not the same.  I almost feel like my whole life has been a series of unfortunate events…as if the book itself was based off of my sister and I.  There are memories from my past, which paralyze me, only momentarily until I pull myself back up to the surface, gasping for breath. Okay, okay, it isn’t that dramatic all the time, but sometimes it truly does feel that way.

I’ve been feeling good as far as my motivation and goals are concerned…my health isn’t the best but it’s been worse…. I suppose I just need to reacquaint myself with the deepest form of loneliness I know exists.

It is silly to think that this is a personal battle of which I fight on a daily basis, and I’m sure my sister does as well.   I’m just not sure I can find a way around it.  I hate to think of how many complexes I’ve developed over the years,  but I’m still moving along just fine, for the most part!

The sun was very bright and hot today, we played an interesting game called kubb? You really need to play it or look it up to understand what it is, but it is similar to a cross between horseshoes and bowling. Anyway, Britney and I beat Josh and Nick and so I should probably become really good at it….maybe there’s a team somewhere? Totally kidding, but it was fun.

Sooo sleepy!

“Our dreams are luminous, a cast fire upon the world.
Morning arrives and that's it.
Sunlight darkens the earth.”
― Charles Wright

Growth

Today, I feel encouraged. I feel empowered. I feel in control. 

This last feeling, of being in control, is particularly funny to me. I have struggled with feeling out of control for a very long time.

Even before my mom took her own life, I wanted to be able to help fix her, fix our lives. My mom has been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. This last Sunday was Mother's Day, and we are coming up on the 4th anniversary of her death. Since she died only a week after I graduated college, it also marks 4 years since I graduated from the University of Minnesota. 

I graduated college. My mom killed herself. Then I unraveled, and I lost myself. Our family struggled to make sense of it, and we struggled to remember how to be a family. Even still, my family was often the only obstacle for me between this world and the next. For a long time it felt like I had one foot on the other side. Things got left behind, like our house, and all the contents within it, but we endured. 

It is difficult to move on, and to feel like you are leaving something, or someone behind. 

I am learning to let go. Little by little. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't mean you don't care, and it doesn't mean you are "over it." This is true for the death of a family member, or of a relationship, or when you move, or when you decide to move on from something. 

Letting go is now helping me to be in control. It is funny because it seems counter-intuitive in some ways. That is probably why there are so many self-help books out there who try to advocate for letting go, but it is a concept that can be easy to understand, but difficult to practice.

Letting go of my need to control things, to be perfect, it doesn't mean that I am now giving up responsibility of myself. It is realizing that I can't do it all. I can't fix every sorrow in every friend or change the mind of every enemy. I can't solve all of the world's problems, and in all reality I may never solve all of my own. There is not enough time for me to read every book, watch every movie, listen to every song, master every subject...

See, for me, I often let myself get so caught up in planning, and so carried away by all the things I feel like I want to do or SHOULD want to do, that I get overwhelmed. All of a sudden I am very unhappy because I feel a failure because I simply can't do enough. I let that feed into my struggle with just being ENOUGH. I get stuck because I am afraid to move forward without "having all my ducks in a row" which is a funny saying anyways, because even if you spend enormous amounts of time trying to get your "ducks just right" there is still no guarantee that all your little ducks are going to make it.

So I have been working on letting go. I am giving myself a break, metaphorically, and also physically because I have reduced my work hours for the summer. This has been my first week of working part time, and the stress reduction is already amazing.

I am re-evaluating, and readjusting. I still have a plan, but every day I am learning more and more just how flexible plans need to be. I would like to apply to an MFA program in Creative Writing, so I will be setting some rigorous writing goals for myself.  I have started spring cleaning so that my boyfriend and I can finally get 'settled' into our apartment.

My boyfriend and I have been working hard to become financially responsible, and because of the seeds we have been planting, we were able to afford the risk of me quitting my job. As it turns out, one of my supervisors asked me to stay on and continue working part time. It just feels like sometimes when you take a leap, things start to fall into place. Or maybe it just feels that way because I am clinging less and less to any ONE notion of what my life path is SUPPOSED to look like.

In the end it's not the destination anyways, it's the journey, right? So how I get there is half the fun.

Life hasn't been easy the last few months, but I am proud of myself.

In December of 2012, I had high hopes for 2013. I talked about it with everyone. 2013 was going to be different, I could feel it. I just KNEW it was going to be my year.

Then, my dad fell. Literally, he just fell and died. I miss him every day. I miss my mom.

Even though this year started off with a tragedy and a series of unfortunate events, I am proud because I have still already accomplished some of the goals I had set for myself for this year. I have gone to the dentist, we joined a gym, and we ran a 5k. I have reconnected with my friends. My little sister and I have been keeping in touch. I have taken back control of my career path. I got new glasses. My boyfriend got formally re-accepted into his college program. Little or big, these feats were accomplished.

Oh, and Minnesota made marriage equality a reality. It feels good that sometimes equality and goodness do triumph.

Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. -Buddha

The Boston bombings have concerned me on so many different levels, and I have acquired quite the amount of life-knowledge out of this tragic event.

I am so desperately saddened for the families who have suffered because of the cruelness of strangers and with no explanation. These families were offered no compassion or humanity and instantaneously became victims left to travel the lonely roads of grief because someone chose to end their family member’s life during an act of violence.  Is there no humanity left?

I am, of course, referring to the Boston bombings, but also to the many other shootings, bombings, and attacks this country has endured since it was born.  We are attacked by acts full of hate and violence and carry a heavy sorrowful and oppressive poison. 

This poison has spread like wildfire.

I cannot pretend to understand what these families are going through; every individual must walk his/her personal path, no path is the same.  Unfortunately, people often believe they must walk this path alone.  You do not have to walk the path alone, but there are trails that you should walk alone; be brave, be honest, be courageous and will yourself to progress as a human and as an individual.  Family and friends help to keep your head above water but in the end it’s a personal and spiritual journey.

The poison is taking its toll.

We don’t care about achieving our personal best as humans. We care only to be better than others, knocking them down for personal gain when necessary, never accepting that we have faults and are capable of change.  I understand there is no way to rid evil in this world but we can and should be more proactive in appreciating life and pain for what its worth.

I have encountered too many atrocious comments to go unnoticed.  People openly suggesting torture tactics as revenge for a violent crime.  It disgusts me to my core, equally as badly as those responsible for the crimes.

“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.” Mahatma Gandhi

One person’s actions do NOT give you an excuse to be inhumane.  This is not a gray area. This is black and white, it is wrong.  I’m not saying it isn’t natural to have these thoughts, the urge to hurt those who have hurt so many others, but it this is not the answer. We are teaching our children that violence can solve problems. 

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”  Martin Luther King Jr.

I’m not disagreeing that these people do not need to take responsibility for their actions, or that people should not defend themselves or their families, there are situations that call for good people to do bad things in the name of justice.  If you are a good person you will heavily weigh life in every sense, every action has a consequence, good and bad. 

A man who kills someone to protect his family isn’t a bad person.

A police officer who kills someone who is planning on intentionally harming someone else isn’t a bad person.

I won’t even argue that there is no basis for the death penalty; people should be punished accordingly for their crimes.

As far as judgments go, another life is not for me to judge, I will politely leave that for whatever God they believe in to decide.

We need to work together to build a society focused more on progress, and less on negativity and hate, but we can only do this together. We will get there. I have had role models who have helped mold me into who I am today, and together we will continue to encourage peace and love in place of hate and violence. 

 “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

We don't want to face the worst, but we do it anyway.

Today it is April 13, and it is Saturday. I returned a few books to the library. I feel a bit like a jerk because Code Name Verity was very overdue, but I couldn't bring myself to take it back to the library until I had read it through. I am glad I did. My boyfriend and I went to the gym this morning, and then got groceries. Then I sunk myself into the couch for awhile, but thought better of it. I forced myself to get up and do something.

Lately I have been afraid. All the usual stereotypical fears. I am afraid to leave my job, and afraid of what will happen to my confidence if I don't. I am afraid to put myself out there and open myself up to criticism, but again if I don't, then I am afraid of what I will think of myself. I am afraid to fail, and am also afraid to succeed. These are just the vague fears that plague us all. 

I am sure some of my anxiety stems from post traumatic stress. Grief. The fear of bad things happening to the people I love, and also from losing those I love. 

I suppose what it all comes down to is fear of the unknown. Essentially that is what fear is, isn't it? I have already survived the heartache of loss, so why do I fear it again? I fear being unsure of how I will act in a given situation, whether I will come across the way I intend. I am afraid of others misinterpreting me. I fear how other people will behave in situations, but what difference does it make? 

"Do I dare

Disturb the universe?

In a minute there is time

For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse."

-From "The Love song of J Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot

Sometimes I wonder if I am also not just afraid of what I or others may be incapable of surviving, but also afraid of the endurance of the human heart. How can it be that people can undergo so much suffering, and still survive? Live even? Sometimes it makes me sad that with so much suffering and hardship, people can still be cruel. Why do we bother to be cruel if it is not necessary? Lately I have had a harder time shrugging off negative people, rude people, people who just seem oblivious to how their negative energy impacts those around them. I understand maybe it's not healthy for everyone to internalize their frustrations like I do, and I certainly am not always able to do so, but at least I try to be conscious of who is on the receiving end of my wrath. Yet there are also so many people who survive atrocious experiences and manage to maintain a compassionate nature.

I just got interrupted from my writing. "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash just came on the radio as I am sitting here at Starbucks. 

To explain why this struck me, I will explain that my dad was a big fan of Johnny Cash. He also had a very deep voice like him. When my dad met Gloria, his fiance, it kind of became a song that they shared because at a family Halloween party one year, Gloria was dancing around the fire and actually tripped and fell in. Luckily, even though she got burned, she was not permanently damaged by the incident. 

Over the last year as Holly, Dad, Gloria and I all became a family, when we visited we would ALWAYS listen to his song at least once (usually many more times). We would all dance and sing along. 

We played Johnny Cash at dad's funeral. 

So last weekend, my boyfriend and I drove down to Wisconsin to visit Gloria and dad's friends. We made it down Thursday night and it was a nice night with just a few of us hanging out at the local bar. The next morning, Gloria went to work. I woke up and took a shower. I just felt so sad. It felt so weird to be there without dad, now that the shock has worn off a bit. Gloria's house felt so quiet. Most of dad's stuff was boxed up so that Gloria could start functioning again (and I am so glad that she was blessed with sisters too so she didn't have to do that alone). 

Anyways, I just kept waiting to hear my dad's voice ask us whether we were going to breakfast. Tell us we were burning daylight. Instead it was just quiet. So I got out of the shower, feeling a bit hollow on the inside, and very sad. And all of a sudden I hear a woman's voice on the t.v. in their bedroom start singing "Ring of Fire." I don't know the name of the artist, but it is a newer version of the song. I went in and sat on the bed and listened, and maybe it was a coincidence that the song came on, but I felt considerably more peaceful hearing it. 

So now, to hear it again at a time when I am struggling a bit internally, it is soothing. 

Our bodies are magical things. When we think we have reached the end of our strength, somewhere there are hidden reserves. When we think we cannot take another step, somehow our bodies do not fail us even when our will is faint. The weekend my dad was dying, we barely slept. I remember sitting next to my sister, both of us in uncomfortable, hard chairs. Both of us with our heads on the bed, holding dad's hand, and half holding each other. Waiting. Somehow we were able to go through it. 

You don't want to watch a part of you die, but you do it anyway. The human heart is roughly the size of a human fist, but it is also infinite. 

When great tragedies happen, there are moments where you wonder how you will ever appreciate life again. There have been moments in the last few weeks where I have felt very lonely, and infinitely sad, and dreadfully pessimistic. At the same time, I do appreciate that the heaviness of my grief is due to the loss being great. We cannot live and love to our highest potential without facing our fears and giving ourselves the opportunity to do so. I had lovely, wonderful, loving parents, an adoring grandmother, and I would not miss them nearly so much if they had not been so extraordinary. 

Leaving the Pain Behind

“She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It's easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said.”

― Brian Andreas, Story People: Selected Stories & Drawings of Brian Andreas

It is essential that you leave pieces behind, a legacy; otherwise you would be so full of sorrow. There are dark hours in every life…death in every life.  You cannot appreciate one without appreciating the other, it is a law of nature, and nature does not answer to the demands of mortals. 

We, however, are so stuck in our ways, refusing to change or embrace other cultures.  We appreciate culture as a society but we don’t place ourselves in other cultures to learn, not like we could at least. 

How sad for those who don’t want to experience other culture, people who don’t appreciate traveling, enjoy different kinds of food? How much life are they missing out on, purposefully extracting themselves from educating themselves on how other people live so they can be grateful. Not that you can’t be grateful without experiencing these cultures but to stay stagnant for so long… how terrible. 

Change must be embraced.  Change is not always easy, but it can be exciting, it can be unpredictable and relentless, but change is inevitable.  If you can’t accept it, you will be left in the past, wondering what little part of you is missing, and asking why you don’t feel complete. 

I suppose it’s more important that you accept yourself for who you are…if you can do that then you can pretty much do whatever you want…although to be a good person you should always try to better yourself, because it is always possible.

Sometimes you leave pieces behind because they are too painful to hold onto…and eventually, sometimes, you will reach a point where picking them back up doesn’t seem so dark and dreary, but they will turn into the light you were so desperately holding onto when you let them go in the first place.

The hardest part of grief is the brief moments where you lose a part of yourself, one that you know in your heart of hearts cannot be retrieved. Those moments when you ask yourself,  "Can I really do this? Am I capable of recovering?" 

Sometimes I think I won't, and then I remember that my strength doesn't come from fighting the pain, it comes from embracing pain, and allowing it a little space in my soul, that I will guard just as closely as my happiness. It makes me who I am. 

When I am really unsure, I resort to my books.  Tricks and advice I have learned from reading. One of my favorites is from good ole' Katniss... My name is Holly Mueller. My mother committed suicide after surviving breast cancer. My grandmother died, not from lung cancer, but from old age.  My father....my dad, too, is dead.  I live in Kentucky. I have a sister named Heather who means more to me than life itself.  My life is not over.  Troy loves me. 

Whatever I need to do to get through those dark moments...I am willing to do whatever it takes, and it is this very uncommon character trait that reminds me I don't need to linger in the shadows... I just need to walk towards the light...and if I can't see it, I'll just have to find a candle, or some wood, a lighter or matches. Anything. Whatever it takes. For me, for her (my sister), and for my mom and dad, to honor them because that is what they deserve.

Make it count

“Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force but through persistence.”
― Ovid

I will only take the positive aspect of this quote. Let’s just say you need to make yourself the water. The water is the persisting element here; the rock is only hallowed out because it doesn’t move. Humans are a species that have the power to take action, a rock cannot move.

I find J.R.R. Tolkien’s quotes to be overly inspiring on a vast complicated plane of levels.  He gives both hope and the truth, and above all his quotes give hope that as long as you are fighting, and fighting for a cause, you can prevail.  This does not mean you WILL prevail only that you have been given the tools to insure your success, you have to use them, ““There is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for.” -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

I think of my mother when I see this quote. Her pain was too deep. Her wounds could not heal.  This is why I am so unique it differentiates from others who have not seen or felt the horrors I have.  I, too, bear a burden time cannot mend. A burden like mine, you come to understand, cannot be placed in a category. There is no better or worse.  When you know someone who has been in so much pain to take their own life… it is an emotional burden beyond time’s healing powers, no matter how magical.

“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

We can’t change the past, it’s too late to change the present, but we can change the future. Every day is a new day.  If you don’t take action to change your life, then YOU are to blame. I can’t even begin to explain the rocky road I have traveled to be where I am, but I try. I’ve been trying. It’s helped me, it hasn’t healed me, but it’s helped. 

I decide what to do with the time that is given to me, as you choose what to do with yours. Make it count.   :)

Happy Birthday to my dear friend Nick!

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
― William Shakespeare

“Luna had decorated her bedroom ceiling with five beautifully painted faces: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville. They were not moving as the portraits at Hogwarts moved, but there was a certain magic about them all the same: Harry thought they breathed. What appeared to be fine golden chains wove around the pictures, linking them together, but after examining them for a minute or so, Harry realized that the chains were actually one word, repeated a thousand times in golden ink: friends . . . friends . . . friends . . .”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”
― Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life for a Life

“Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero

It has not been an easy year so far as the catastrophes continue to pile on my shoulders laying themselves like bricks on my shoulders, waiting for me to cave under the pressure but I don’t. I won’t.  My strength doesn’t come from an unknown source, I have been given the necessary tools to harness the strength from the love I receive from people around me, and one of those very special people celebrates a birthday today.

Despite everything that has happened within the last year of my life, I am so grateful to be where I am. I don’t have to attempt to explain the crazy process of my thoughts or who I am.  I don’t feel pressured to be someone I’m not and more importantly I don’t feel belittled to be who I am. 

I haven’t always been the person I am today, and I will never be this person again, tomorrow is a new day and I don’t feel fear because if this, I feel comfort.  I don’t think you can feel the euphoric happiness I sometimes have the privilege to feel unless you feel comfortable and secure. 

This might seem obvious to some people, but it is truly a task.  I wage wars with myself on an almost daily basis, but I am never alone.  I am not the only person who suffers from my loss and I feel like the luckiest girl alive to have people in my life who ask me for a chance to take whatever weights I need off my shoulders to ease my pain.

Nick has always been there for my unanswered questions or to help me decide what I should do when I find myself questioning what is happening in my unpredictable life. With barely any knowledge of who I am or whom I was Nick has been someone in my life who supports my decisions and helps me whether I’m stuck in a tree or stuck in a storm I am not afraid. If Nick hadn’t been so open to me moving here, I probably wouldn’t be here in the first place. What a significant difference this has made in my life.

“But it does not seem that I can trust anyone,' said Frodo.
Sam looked at him unhappily. 'It all depends on what you want,' put in Merry. 'You can trust us to stick with you through thick and thin--to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours--closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Happy Birthday Nick, and thank you for being my friend!

Love Knows No Limit

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”―Blaise Pascal

It's Saturday, February 9th, 2013. Two weeks ago, I received a call around 4:30 a.m. telling me that my dad had fallen, and hit his head. He was rushed to Burlington Hospital, and then took flight for life to St. Luke's hospital due to severe brain trauma. As soon as we got the call, my boyfriend and I packed a suitcase and got in the car. We stopped to get air in the tires, and I picked up Starbucks across the street from the BP we were at. It was silent and cold. I couldn't help but think, "Is this it?"

Is this how I will remember my dad's final days? I pushed myself to be optimistic because this wasn't the first time we had gotten a call like this. Less than a year ago my dad had been rushed to the hospital due to a heart complication that led to kidney failure. He made a miraculous recovery. The difference then was that the doctors had a plan. There were options. Lots of options, and many possible outcomes.

Before talking to the doctor my sister and I had agreed that we would give the go ahead for any surgery or procedure necessary to bring my dad back.  This time though, when we talked to the doctor, there weren't multiple options. There weren't numerous treatment plans or procedures. We could either give them permission to start surgery, or we could let him die a natural death. The surgery would relieve the pressure from the blood building up, but because he was bleeding on both sides of the brain, it would be a miracle if my dad survived. If he did survive the surgery, there would be no chance of a meaningful recovery. Either option meant the same outcome. My dad would not be coming back to us this time. 

My sister and her boyfriend began their race from Kentucky, and we from Minnesota. Our drive is roughly 6 hours, theirs 7. We all made it to the hospital a little after noon. My dad's fiance Gloria was there, and so were many of my dad's friends. We had decided to wait on surgery, because my sister and I knew my dad would not want to end up in a coma as a vegetable. We had that conversation many times with him. I think we both knew that this was the end, but neither of us could bear the thought of putting him through surgery and having him pass away before we could get there to see him. 

Once we arrived, the doctors came to talk to us in person, and told us the same thing. Dad was on blood thinners, so the bleeding started easily. The trauma he incurred from the fall was significant. Neither of the doctors we talked to could in good conscientiousness recommend surgery, in fact one had said that if it was his own father, he would not do the surgery. We still took our time with the decision because we didn't want to have any regret. Of course it's impossible not to wonder if he could have been a miracle case, but it was a time where we had to make a decision based off of what we knew my dad would have wanted. My dad always said that when it was his time to go, it was his time to go, and that he would be ready. Of course it never feels like the right time for those of us who are left behind. How could we let go, how could we let him leave us behind? 

In the end we all agreed, family and friends, that my dad would want to go naturally. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. With my mom, she made the decision for us, and that was hard in different ways.

My dad passed peacefully. We had the ventilator taken off on Sunday afternoon, and we stayed with him in his room all night. We slept little and poorly, listening to the steady rhythm of his breaths. In the morning on Monday, we listened to a few slow breaths, and then his heart gave out very peacefully. 

It still doesn't feel entirely real. The outpouring of love and support for our family has been incredible. There were the natural family hiccups and issues, but overall things worked out the best they could. 

So here I am. In less than four years, mom passed away, grandma passed away, and now dad. I feel as positive as I can though. I know it won't be easy. I know in the coming weeks the numbness and feelings of shock will wear off. I know there will be tears, and darkness. Right now though I can feel everyone's positive energy wishing us the best, and I know my sister and I will get through it.

It's hard to let go of what you thought the future would hold. We had plans, and dreams. My dad was supposed to get married to Gloria. We were making new traditions, and our family was finally healing from previous losses. We still have things to look forward to though. We will still visit Gloria and keep in touch with people from where we grew up. We still have so much love in our lives, and a long and brilliant future ahead of us. 

After my mom died, it took a long time before I felt ready to face life again. Only in the last 6 months did I start to truly feel like I was ready to live my best life. I still feel that way. For the sake of both of my parents, and all my loved ones, I am not going to let this send me backward. My dad lived his life to the fullest, he survived unimaginable things, and he always endured. I want to live like that. 

It's corny, but I know that my parents both live on in me. In my sister. We were given a very blessed and happy childhood, we had wonderful relationships with our parents. We were a close family, and we got to experience unconditional love in ways many people never get to experience in their lives. We can pass that on to other people. I don't want to live afraid of what might come. The world is far from perfect, and it can be devastating. Terrible things happen. In the end though, we always have a choice. 

At some of my darkest moments, I have given myself the choice. I can either end my life, or I can choose to live, with conviction. Until I die, I can never know what, if anything comes after death. But for now, I know there is still so much of life left for me. I may not know where it will take me, but it's the unknown I am choosing to see through. 

C.S. Lewis inspired post!

“I hope no one who reads this book has been quite as miserable as Susan and Lucy were that night; but if you have been - if you've been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you - you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing is ever going to happen again.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

The best part of writing is that as long as you are writing you can feel productive.  Being productive wasn’t exactly on my to-do list for today, but I always feel productive when I put some thoughts down on paper, at least I’m documenting my thoughts. That takes quite a bit of work. Most people don’t have any idea who they are yet, and here I am, organizing who I am into words and sentences for the world to see. Pretty productive eh?

Anyway, I found this quote (allowing with more to follow) last night. I was browsing the Internet while the Troy and Nick were raiding. 

I must have read this quote 10 times last night, I seem to get lost in it.  This year I’m learning that a lot of people (including myself at times) are dramatic.  Humans are dramatic.  This type of thing happens when so many people look at different situations in so many different ways, with different opinions about every aspect.  It’s exhausting; really, I’m surprised we can even get along enough to survive as a species.

Not everything sad has to be devastating. There are whole ranges of emotions some people don’t even recognize.  We don’t know how to put anything in perspective anymore, and that makes me sad.  It’s not devastating though. How can you possibly expect to live a happy life if you’re constantly looking at the glass as half empty? 

Unless you have ever been as sad as Susan and Lucy, you wouldn’t understand.  I will never forget how deadly silent my house was after my mother passed.  Three of us sat on the couch in the living room staring blankly out the window to see the sunrise.  We didn’t say word for probably an hour.  It’s a very dark memory. 

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”
― C.S. Lewis

This holds truth too, no?

I know that silence for me was necessary.  The thoughts that I have locked away are there for a reason.  I can accept the things I cannot change; however, I still can’t change them.  I am as at peace with them as I will ever be, and that is enough.  It’s not that I don’t have the words to say, the problem is my mouth won’t let them escape.

“Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.”
― C.S. Lewis

You can find miracles wherever you look if you have the right mentality.  You have to look with the faith that you are going to see something.  If you don’t think you’re going to see anything, you won’t.  There will be a few who will open their eyes for long enough to get a glimpse, but they’ll more than likely shut them immediately upon opening. Some people just can’t handle the truth.

Stories. Stories are always a good tool for learning about someone’s life.  Everyone has a story. Everyone has a story to tell.  Everyone has a story, whether it is dull, dumb, dorky, or incredibly inspiring, it is a story worth hearing. The challenge comes from going out and listening.  Listening is much harder than speaking. And writing is much easier than speaking for some of us, although I suppose I like to think of this as documenting, but that’s not the point.

“Make your choice, adventurous Stranger,
Strike the bell and bide the danger,
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew

I’m grateful that I don’t allow myself to have regrets such as this.  I know, especially now, that I would feel like this if I hadn’t come to Kentucky.  It was my deciding factor. I would have wondered every single day what my life would have been like if I didn’t come here to be with him.  Take a look at my life part 2 already in progress!