I have been single on Valentines Day, and I have been in a relationship. I've gotten gifts and flowers, and I've given them. Regardless of whether you are single or committed there is a significant person that deserves to be loved. YOU!
Growing up I didn't really 'date' much. I went on dates, and I 'fell in love' or more accurately 'crushed' easily. I didn't usually have a boyfriend, but I still enjoyed Valentines Day. I liked getting my friends flowers, and my dad always brought home flowers or treats for all us girls in the house.
Sometimes I still 'hated' Valentines Day since it seemed like a day to point out that you are alone. I struggle with being alone and being lonely even though I actually very much enjoy my own company. I don't mind doing most things on my own. That being said, it can feel a bit weird when I spend great amounts of time in my own head. Worse though is how much I struggle sometimes feeling alone when I'm actually with other people. When I'm actually alone it feels natural. It's harder when you're with a significant other or with a group of friends and start to feel lonely or apart from everyone.
Anyways, the point of this isn't so much to muse about loneliness. What I'm really thinking about is how difficult it can be to make sure you're giving yourself enough love.
I consider myself to be fairly confident. I believe I love myself, and yet I am also very often my own worst critic, and there are times where I am quite cruel to myself, and hateful. I think that's the case for many people. It's especially hard sometimes when it comes to depression, anxiety, or even grief. Sometimes I feel very angry at myself for not feeling more energetic or happier or more content.
After my mom's suicide I couldn't help but think, why wasn't I enough? I know that my mom loved me. I know she was proud of me. I know she cared about me. But... Why? Why did she take her own life? Then I get angry at myself and think I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her, how special she was, and how much I needed her.
I am struggling with that sometimes with my dad's death now too. What if? What if I had figured out a way to help him more with keeping the house from being foreclosed on or if I had come home more after my mom died. What if he hadn't started drinking again? Would he still have tripped that night and fallen and hit his head? Could I have prevented it?
That's where I have to make myself stop because you can't go back and change the past. There's no way of knowing the end to 'what ifs' so it's better to think about 'what now.' It's a terrible circle of thinking to get stuck in because in the end it's just not fruitful.
I suppose that's why acceptance is such a difficult part of the grieving process. It's hard to accept things for how they happened, and it's hard to accept our own power or lack thereof in any circumstance.
Which brings me back to self love and how it's important to remember that ultimately our own self reliance is what gives us true power to love ourselves and love other people. If you give all that power away and only let your self worth be dictated by other people then you are doomed to doubt yourself and others. In truth we may never be able to fully or truly know every thought another person has, but when you can rely on yourself then you don't have to worry as much about it. You always have YOU.
YOU have the power to show yourself love, to stay in a relationship or leave a relationship, to buy yourself flowers, or chocolate, or go to the movies. YOU can read a favorite book or take a nap or order in your favorite food or cook your favorite meal.
It's lovely to be in love and to enjoy things with another person. It's lovely to spend time with friends. It's also lovely when you learn to develop a 'relationship' with yourself. Trust yourself, get to know yourself. What do you actually want/need/like/dislike? Be kind to yourself. Listen to yourself.
It's not selfish to treat yourself well. It sets you free to give love unconditionally because you don't 'need' another person. Of course it's easier said than done, but it's worth working on. It also makes it easier for the other person.
Many times, and this still happens, I'll find myself 'picking a fight' with my boyfriend only to realize I have no idea what I'm actually upset about. Often in the end it seems to have more to do with me not knowing what I actually want or need. How can we ask other people to give us something when we don't even know what that something might be? The more I learn to depend on myself, the more I'm also able to let other people know the best way to give me what I need.
No comments:
Post a Comment