Onward!

The past couple of weeks I have been having a hard time emotionally. I have been anxious and moody. Up and down.

Many things are going wonderfully in my life. My plan to work part time and do some soul searching and write and enjoy summer and let myself grieve for my dad has been a good thing. On days were I feel terribly anxious I know it would be far worse if I had tried to keep my head above water while working full time in a position that wasn't right for me.

The first few months after a significant loss is in many ways the easiest time, at least in my experience.

It was difficult to see my dad die, of course, but we had problems to solve. You take it one problem at a time. I have heart wrenching memories from the week we spent at the hospital and then planning the funeral. I also have heart warming memories from the people who supported us.

So there are things to be done in the beginning. Arrangements to make, and things to plan and coordinate. Errands to run. People to see.

About 3 to 4 months later, things have calmed down. You have time to breathe. And that's when the real difficulty begins, because the rest of the grief path is not so clearly defined. The world starts moving again. In reality the world never stops moving, but at least you are given some level of understanding from people in the first month or so.

I am more prepared for this path of grief because I have been through grief before. This will not be the same path, but there are patterns, and I know myself better this time around.

Some days it is still difficult because grief comes unexpectedly, even when you have experienced it before. Now that it has been almost 6 months since my dad died, all I can do is take it one day at a time. I have never gone this long without visiting my dad or seeing him. So each day I miss him a little more. That's what is hard now. There isn't anything to do except to heal, and find balance between grieving, and remembering, and keeping him in my heart, and also still moving forward in my life.

I have been battling anxiety lately, too. The anxiety that more bad things might happen. My boyfriend had been having symptoms that correlated with his vasculitis, and he had to go to the ER because a nurse was concerned. Luckily it turned out that it was just a severe sinus infection, but all the same I could feel my body go into survival mode until I knew he was going to be o.k.

I haven't seen my sister since the funeral, and I miss her greatly, and I know that has been part of the difficulty and sadness I have been feeling lately, too. But, we now have plans to see each other in less than a month, and visit Wisconsin, and see my dad's fiance, and hopefully many of his friends.

So that warms my heart. I also have a vacation with my boyfriend's family to look forward to in only a couple of weeks, and more summer plans we want to fit in before summer is over.

Yesterday I got to see two of my good friends get married, and share in the joy of their wedding. It is all these little/big joys that make it feel worthwhile to go on.

I have learned a lot about myself in the last 10 years, and that's what being in your 20's is really about. This September I will be turning 27. It is incredible to think about the last 10 years, and how 10 years ago I was 17, and still in high school, not even out on my own yet.

It can be difficult to live in the present, not the past, and not in pining for the future. I am learning to live in the present more and more every day. I still plan for the future, but I have also learned that no amount of planning can fully prepare you for everything. I have also learned the opposite, where procrastinating causes you in many ways to be trapped.

When you know a course of action must be taken, you can delay it or improve your decision by gathering information, but in the end sometimes you still have to leap. I am spending a lot of time learning about the publishing industry, and entrepreneurship, and setting up my writing practice. I am enjoying working as an executive assistant more because it is on my terms, and I am happy to be useful because I believe in what I do.

I am still dreaming of travel plans and possibly going back to school and oh so many things.

I know this grief path will be bumpy, and there will be holes and darkness ahead, and times of great sadness, and pain, and there will be times I cannot move forward at all and must rest. I know that life is really the same, but I am going to keep onward.

Chi lar dura la vince – He that endureth overcomes

I have already been through this hole once and I escaped.  I wish it were a part of my distant past but unfortunately this horrific adventure is a part of my recent events.

It is my intangible enemy- time. 

Regardless, I am much more familiar with which routes lead to dead ends and which are paths that must be confronted head-on, although even I have my mishaps. 

            I joke around about becoming a spy or being chosen to be in some top-secret organization…truth is, it’s probably got something to do with my running away obsession.  Take a spy, for example; they finish a job and start a new one somewhere else.  Unfortunately, I am not a spy, and that is not how to get answers to your questions or learn who you are as a person. 

            I must take my path, no matter how many twists and turns, and I will take it to the very end.

 “One thing: you have to walk, and create the way by your walking; you will not find a ready-made path. It is not so cheap, to reach to the ultimate realization of truth. You will have to create the path by walking yourself; the path is not ready-made, lying there and waiting for you. It is just like the sky: the birds fly, but they don't leave any footprints. You cannot follow them; there are no footprints left behind.”
― Osho

“When you want to share something with another person more than anything, it is one of the most difficult things to realize that you can never have it. Accepting this realization is even more difficult. Loving someone does mean saying goodbye to them in some cases, though we will fight that until the oftentimes bitter end before doing the right thing.”
― Ashly Lorenzana

“We may seem fine, even when the pain remains right there beneath our surface.”
― Ashly Lorenzana

“The parts of me that hurt the worst want me to write something for them, but I can't. I don't know what to say. I'm lost in all this sadness, and so are they.”
― Ashly Lorenzana

            The road that I’m on through this path of grief is similar as the last, but not the same.  I almost feel like my whole life has been a series of unfortunate events…as if the book itself was based off of my sister and I.  There are memories from my past, which paralyze me, only momentarily until I pull myself back up to the surface, gasping for breath. Okay, okay, it isn’t that dramatic all the time, but sometimes it truly does feel that way.

I’ve been feeling good as far as my motivation and goals are concerned…my health isn’t the best but it’s been worse…. I suppose I just need to reacquaint myself with the deepest form of loneliness I know exists.

It is silly to think that this is a personal battle of which I fight on a daily basis, and I’m sure my sister does as well.   I’m just not sure I can find a way around it.  I hate to think of how many complexes I’ve developed over the years,  but I’m still moving along just fine, for the most part!

The sun was very bright and hot today, we played an interesting game called kubb? You really need to play it or look it up to understand what it is, but it is similar to a cross between horseshoes and bowling. Anyway, Britney and I beat Josh and Nick and so I should probably become really good at it….maybe there’s a team somewhere? Totally kidding, but it was fun.

Sooo sleepy!

“Our dreams are luminous, a cast fire upon the world.
Morning arrives and that's it.
Sunlight darkens the earth.”
― Charles Wright