Winter Skin

It feels like I have been shedding my winter skin. I have been worried that it might stay with me, but I can feel myself letting go a bit. I feel a bit lighter, and a bit brighter.

On Sunday, it was around 60 degrees outside, and the sun came out. A friend and I ran together to get in our long slow distance miles. We ran a little over 9 miles! It felt really good to get in that distance because the half marathon is only five weeks away. My troublesome knee only acted up towards the end, but I was still able to finish the run.

All winter being on treadmills it felt like my legs were lead. I tried to push myself, but I always felt so off kilter on them. One of the best mental pep talks I give myself while running is to think "This isn't so bad. This is just running. You can run. You've been through hell, and you couldn't do anything about it, but you can do this. Just run." Unfortunately for anyone who loves to run outside a treadmill actually does feel like hell. So then I'd pretend that the treadmill was my prison, and I'd tell myself that I couldn't stop running because otherwise I might be shot.

Training through the winter did make a difference though, and now that I am back to training outside I can feel the benefits. Yesterday I ran outside for my speed workout. I did timed miles, and the times were 10:09, 8:33, and 8:47. For me that is really good!

I like to consider myself a self-motivated person, but maybe it's just because I'm good at playing mental games and tricking myself into being productive. It's a different kind of challenge than just surviving something or getting through something. When someone dies you don't have much control over them dying, but you still have to control your own actions. Honestly I think most people do this quite well. In truth many around us are grieving in one way or another, and isn't it miraculous that they are doing so and still going about their lives?

I suppose you just put one foot in front of the other and somehow end up on the other side. I've been trying to get myself in that mindset in day to day life. If I know what I want, and if I know the steps to take, then I just have to put one foot in front of the other.

Grief. Depression. Anxiety. I have tried to explain these things to other people, and it can be difficult to do so when a person hasn't had much experience with those states of mind. They aren't tangible so even though a person may feel surrounded by a dark cloud no one else can see it. They might feel like someone is holding their heart in a vice. Their heart may be racing for no reason at all.

So when someone says that they are suffering from these things it's important to remember that for that person even though they might still look like the same person on the outside, on the inside they are struggling. Be kind. It might just be that getting out of bed that day was a major accomplishment.