Leaving the Pain Behind

“She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It's easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said.”

― Brian Andreas, Story People: Selected Stories & Drawings of Brian Andreas

It is essential that you leave pieces behind, a legacy; otherwise you would be so full of sorrow. There are dark hours in every life…death in every life.  You cannot appreciate one without appreciating the other, it is a law of nature, and nature does not answer to the demands of mortals. 

We, however, are so stuck in our ways, refusing to change or embrace other cultures.  We appreciate culture as a society but we don’t place ourselves in other cultures to learn, not like we could at least. 

How sad for those who don’t want to experience other culture, people who don’t appreciate traveling, enjoy different kinds of food? How much life are they missing out on, purposefully extracting themselves from educating themselves on how other people live so they can be grateful. Not that you can’t be grateful without experiencing these cultures but to stay stagnant for so long… how terrible. 

Change must be embraced.  Change is not always easy, but it can be exciting, it can be unpredictable and relentless, but change is inevitable.  If you can’t accept it, you will be left in the past, wondering what little part of you is missing, and asking why you don’t feel complete. 

I suppose it’s more important that you accept yourself for who you are…if you can do that then you can pretty much do whatever you want…although to be a good person you should always try to better yourself, because it is always possible.

Sometimes you leave pieces behind because they are too painful to hold onto…and eventually, sometimes, you will reach a point where picking them back up doesn’t seem so dark and dreary, but they will turn into the light you were so desperately holding onto when you let them go in the first place.

The hardest part of grief is the brief moments where you lose a part of yourself, one that you know in your heart of hearts cannot be retrieved. Those moments when you ask yourself,  "Can I really do this? Am I capable of recovering?" 

Sometimes I think I won't, and then I remember that my strength doesn't come from fighting the pain, it comes from embracing pain, and allowing it a little space in my soul, that I will guard just as closely as my happiness. It makes me who I am. 

When I am really unsure, I resort to my books.  Tricks and advice I have learned from reading. One of my favorites is from good ole' Katniss... My name is Holly Mueller. My mother committed suicide after surviving breast cancer. My grandmother died, not from lung cancer, but from old age.  My father....my dad, too, is dead.  I live in Kentucky. I have a sister named Heather who means more to me than life itself.  My life is not over.  Troy loves me. 

Whatever I need to do to get through those dark moments...I am willing to do whatever it takes, and it is this very uncommon character trait that reminds me I don't need to linger in the shadows... I just need to walk towards the light...and if I can't see it, I'll just have to find a candle, or some wood, a lighter or matches. Anything. Whatever it takes. For me, for her (my sister), and for my mom and dad, to honor them because that is what they deserve.