Look to this day!

"Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life, 
In its brief course 
Lie all the verities and realities of your 
existence:
The bliss of growth, 
The glory of action,
The splendor of beauty,
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow only a vision,
But today well lived makes every yesterday 
a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day!
Such is the salutation of the dawn."
-Kalidasa (Sanskrit)

I am taking real ownership over my life. I do believe that every day has the potential to be a new beginning. There will always be outside forces that influence my decisions, but I am realizing how true the concept is that you are always the one who has the ability to control how you react to what life hands you.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Rooselvelt

There are many variations on that quote, but they all have the same idea. We allow ourselves to be valued by others based on how we value ourselves.

After my mom died, I tried to return to 'normal' so quickly. This year in dealing with the grief of losing my dad, I didn't want to force normal. I didn't want to pretend that life could be the same. I didn't want to pretend that I could be the same.

That has been one of the biggest challenges in losing my parents, but I also think that in many ways accepting your past, present, and future selves all at once is hard at any age, in any circumstance.

At the end of 2012, my boyfriend and I felt like we had been running a marathon on a rocky road. It felt like one family emergency after another had hit us. I ended the year feeling ready to take on 2013 because I just knew it was going to be an amazing year after all we had been through in 2012!

Then, my dad died! Some days it still feels unfathomable.

Somehow, it has still been a great year so far in so many ways. It doesn't make me less sad about my dad being gone. In fact, sometimes it makes me more sad because I just wish that he were here to enjoy the positives of this year.

Such is life though. We don't always get what we want. Death is just part of life. It's not that I feel blase about death. I am just more prepared with the feelings that come along with grief. Not only that, but I am accepting myself more. I am also learning what actually helps me when I start mentally slipping.

Quitting my job was a calculated leap of faith. It worked out in my favor because now I work as an independent contractor for one of the executives, and it has reminded me that I actually don't mind the administrative field. Over the summer it helped me realize that I am not ready to commit to an MFA program, at least not yet. I want to invest in the program for the right reasons at the right time. I was starting to feel like the main reason I wanted to go was so that I could fall back on teaching creative writing. I don't want to start a program as a safety net.

Fear of failure is normal. Everyone experiences it at some point, on some scale. I just don't want to let it dictate my choices. I don't need a program for credibility. I don't need to complete a degree right now so that I can teach.

I had a big 'AHA' moment:

How can I expect other people to take me seriously as a writer, if I refuse to take myself seriously? If I don't believe in myself, then how on earth can I ask other people to believe in me? What's more, how dare I even consider teaching if it is only because I am too afraid to put my own ideas into practice?! Someday I may want to teach, but first I want to experience!

Isn't it funny how sometimes you make a 'difficult' decision and it feels so right afterwards that you wonder how it could have been so difficult?

This fall I have given myself permission to be a writer without going back to school. It's still hard some days. I feel like I'm playing a a game. I'm 'pretending' to be a writer like playing pretend as a child. I log my hours, and I've created a 'writing project management spreadsheet' with goals and deadlines through December. I'm not focusing on money yet, but I do plan to submit a few pieces to literary journals or contests.

This week on Tuesday it was World Suicide Prevention Day and on Wednesday it was Patriot Day - remembering 9/11. Both of these days made me realize how lucky I am to be where I am. Life isn't perfect, but above all else, I have the luxury of dreaming. Funny how time and dreams can seem like luxuries, but I think as a nation we take them for granted sometimes.

On top of that I have a sister, and family, and friends who love and support me and accept me. Friends and family whether 'blood' or not who have been willing to let me be me. People who have been interested in me and who have let me into their lives.

On a last note, I have also given myself two fitness challenges to get me through the fall. I have found that exercising regularly really helps with my depression/anxiety and it has been a huge help in grieving.

1) I am going to run a cumulative 100 miles before the end of the year.

 2) I am going to go to LA Fitness an average of 3 times a week or 12 times a month, which will also be enough to receive the wellness reimbursement through my insurance plan.

Of course last week I pulled a calf muscle and had to stop one of my runs short...BUT I am still going to stick with my goals. I was able to make it to Zumba classes this week, and I am hoping that taking yesterday and today off will be the last bit of rest my leg needs in order to run again.

So the next four months will be good. Better than good. The holidays are coming up, and I know they will be hard this year. That's why I am focusing on what's important to me right now. I want to stay active, but I also want to make sure I continue to take care of myself.

Writing. Health & Fitness. Family & Friends.

Visit my sister. Celebrate our birthdays. Enjoy the holidays. Live simply, but fully.