Recapping the year, it's laughable. Almost unbelievable. The start of 2012 began with a merger/sale of the company I worked at, so that has been a year long and still ongoing transitional phase. The year also started off with my dad's fiance, Gloria, falling and sustaining a leg injury.
In February, dad almost died. Hearing that the doctor wasn't sure if he would make it through the night, making it to the hospital after 4 hours in the car, seeing him unconscious and on a ventilator, then talking with the doctor about who was responsible for making "end of life" decisions "just in case", spending a week in the ICU worrying, sitting on the bed with him during kidney dialysis treatments, feeling helpless...
I am so thankful that he pulled through. Once they found the right treatment he made a seriously miraculous recovery and was making jokes and playing poker days after the scare. The experience encouraged me to make the effort to text my dad daily, and to visit home more often.
During the first half of the year, I was working two jobs, roughly 60 hours a week while Ryan went to school full time to try and raise his grades. Even though budgeting was hard, it was worth it because he got straight A's and we learned a lot about handling finances in difficult times.
Around Easter, Holly broke up with her boyfriend who she lived with, and was essentially "homeless" for a month, living in a hotel near her work trying to save money to get her car fixed and make it up to Minneapolis. Then she moved in with Ryan and I into our little studio apartment until we moved into our new one bedroom. I really feel like Holly and I reconnected during that time though. Before, we had done a lot of grieving on our own. We didn't keep in touch as much. Now, even though she is living in Kentucky, we have both made more of a regular effort to talk over Skype, text, blog, and keep in touch.
In May, my grandma died. Even though I thought I was prepared for it, it was still difficult. It was hard for my dad, and hard for Gloria. It was within the same month that my mom died (May) and only 3 years later. Of course it was hard after having a scare with Dad earlier that year. Again, it was nice that Holly and I were together to get through it.
Then there's also the family house which finally got foreclosed on because they refused to work with my dad after he lost his wife and got forced into retirement despite him being a United States veteran who should have qualified for assistance. It's an odd experience when you go to the house you grew up in and see a lock on the door, and basically break in through a window in order to try and gather photo albums and trinkets. In all honesty, I don't think any of us wanted the house much anyways. We did abandon it, because the tragedy of my mom killing herself in that house was too much for any of us to bear. We did save photo albums and get out what we could, but in the end we know that our memories are also safe inside of us.
In the summer, I left one of my jobs, which turned out to be the right decision as it helped my stress immensely. My sister moved down to Kentucky. Dad and Gloria were unable to get married, but we were able to visit them several times which was good.
Winding up the year, Ryan's dad, brother, and brother's girlfriend were all hit by a car in October while crossing the street, even though they had a walk sign. Again, so thankful that everyone ended up ok, even though Ryan's dad is still recovering. It was again, traumatic because it has only been a couple of years since Ryan's mom passed away.
This last week, two of my co-workers were let go, and I don't really understand why, which throws me into paranoia about my own position at the company. In addition, Ryan finally went to the doctor and found out that there is something off about his heart (he's been having a racing pulse and high blood pressure) so he's now on blood pressure medication and has to go back to get a heart monitor that he can wear for 24 hours to find out whether there is something to worry about.
Oh, and my car's at the auto shop. Again. I think those are the main events of 2012, but I know there are many other ups and downs that occurred. I guess the point of the recap is that it has been a crazy year for emergencies.
Despite all these traumatic events and emergencies, I am actually doing really well mentally. I have found a bit of a routine for myself. I have become much more proactive. I am taking a class. I spend lots of time at the library, and write more regularly. I get up earlier, I eat healthier, and am more motivated to be active and exercise. Nothing's perfect, and there are many more ways I want to grow, but I really feel like this year has been life changing. Over the year I have started to understand myself and accept myself more. I am becoming less afraid of failure, and of success. I have been more inspired, and more driven.
I have cared less about money. I have become a coupon queen (last time we went shopping for groceries and toiletries we spent $110 total at 3 stores and I saved us $90 by using coupons. When I did the math, we averaged about $1.50 per item (that includes a 20lb turkey). Learning about budgeting and personal finance has been challenging, but it also meant that we have been controlling our money and not letting money or materials control us.
I have let myself be sad when I feel sad. Cry when I need to cry. Wallow when I need to feel sorry for myself. I find that when I am feeling blue, if I let myself feel bad, turn on the Smiths, and be in that moment, it feels therapeutic. Even letting myself feel hopeless, or to be in despair. Giving myself a choice, which is sometimes "do I live or do I die" actually gives me the will to keep going, even when it feels like life is too overwhelming to bear.
I have been practicing the idea that planning is essential, but plans themselves are useless. I have to allow myself to continually change the plans to fit where I currently am, since the present is a constantly changing state of being. Everything that I truly need, I was born with.
2013 is going to be a good year.
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