Adapting

There are some traumas you can’t recover from, no matter the amount of therapy.  Ever since I was a child I have endured family disaster after family disaster.  My family is far from perfect, but sometimes I wonder how it would have been if things were different. If wishes were fishes, ya know?

What if mom had never gotten cancer?

What if I never found out about my ½ brother, Ryan?

What if mom didn’t have to fight depression?

I have so many questions, answers I’ll never know.

I remember the paper I wrote about the day I found out my mom had cancer. The teacher, who I don’t think liked me all that much, made a point about this paper and how it moved her to tears, and I was really proud of myself.  I didn’t know; back then, that less than ten years later I would write a paper about the day my mother died.  I am proud of these papers not only because I aced them, but because they really meant something to me.  Both of those papers moved people to tears, as my mother majestically moves my inspiration towards positivity.  

To me, writing is the most intimate way to emotionally move someone.  Literature.  It is so important to me, documentation.  Writing. Journals especially. Journals and diaries are tools some of us use to de-cloud our brains, very important.  We manipulate words into beautiful pieces of art.  I appreciate and value words and the way they fit together, depending on where you put them.  It’s all up to you.  You are an architect of a cathedral of words where you store secrets and desires and fears.  Once you put those words on paper you can manipulate them, and eventually you can teach yourself to not only manipulate your words but also manipulate your thoughts. 

It’s techniques such as these that allow writers to function. It’s a skill some people are born with and a skill some of us develop as a coping mechanism. The thoughts in my head are transported to paper, like musicians manipulate notes into beautiful music my ears eat up like a pastry from my favorite pastry shop.  If you don’t have a favorite pastry shop then you don’t know what I mean (and you should get one).  Everyone copes in different ways. I have found my passion and I enjoy indulging in the passions of others.

How long people wish to find a light in the darkness.  How difficult it can be with the past consistently looming in the corner, creeping in at night to suck away the light that lingers. 

“The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.”
― Jess C. Scott The Darker Side of Life

My mother was on the higher end of the brightness scale.

The brightest and darkest light signals the eye is capable of sensing span across nine orders of magnitude, a factor of roughly one billion apart. Because the eye can only sense a contrast ratio of one thousand it adapts its definition of what is black.  The light level that is considered “black” spans across six orders of magnitude, a factor of one million. 

~ Our eyes are capable of sensing light in almost complete darkness.  This is amazing.  We can adjust to extreme measures.

It takes approximately 20-30 minutes for eyes to adjust from bright sunlight to complete darkness, becoming ten thousand to one million times more sensitive than at full daylight.

~It takes time.  Adjusting from light to dark takes time.  It’s a process. You aren’t going to be able to see in the dark right away, you have to allow yourself time to adapt.

The Purkinje effect takes place during this process, changing the eye’s perception of color. 

~There is consequence to every action. We can’t just plunge into darkness without any consequence.  Something must be sacrificed, a little part of our reality, a little part of us. 

It only takes the eye approximately five minutes to adapt from darkness to bright sunlight. 

~Darkness is a slow, grueling process to adapt to, but we can adapt if we must.  Light is easier, sight is a sense we often take for granted.

I understand this is very basic. Maybe not even the entirely correct terminology or phrasing, but the general concept is here, and it’s an event that is systematic.

“…And when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt-this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty to find something beautiful within life no matter how slight.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

My sister and I, we will be okay.  Due to circumstance we have been given a unique view of the world. Together we will adapt and together we will grow.  Our scars will never fully heal, but we are true artists and will cover those scars with magnificent tattoos over time.  We are fighters. We have more love for each other than any depression could elude. We are completely judge free, for I can’t conceptualize a situation where I wouldn’t support my sister.

“I don't know how to stop the atrocities. I don't know how to make people care. But looking into my sister's eyes, we seem to have carved out something between us that none of the madness can touch. Invisible threads.”
― Lisa Shannon, A Thousand Sisters: My Journey into the Worst Place on Earth to Be a Woman

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown